If you think it would be "easier" for your kid if they were straight

[Anonymous]

I never really thought about how little sense this statement made, and I myself made it years ago giving it zero thought, which is not like me. But, I had not yet been given an incentive to reflect and rethink this silly idea.

My teen daughter has come out to me as pansexual. Its ok if you don't know what that means, as its not important.

It took me all of two weeks to adjust to this idea, only because I had to wait for her to tell me everything that led to her understanding, and that took about two weeks to gel.

Once it became clear, it was an easy adjustment for me to make. Why? Because it changed absolutely nothing about how I parent her and what my goals are for her.

First, she needs to know herself and accept herself fully so she knows how to expect that from a future bf/gf and ultimately life partner (she wants to marry and have kids)/

Second, she needs to know how it looks when someone accepts her fully, and thats my job to model for her, with of course the parenting parameters thrown in re: instilling the idea of healthy and positive choices.

Finally: she needs to actually figure out how to relate to a person and build a relationship, and experience is the only way that really happens.

So, none of the above are any different based on her orientation.

In conclusion: my being a heterosexual did not spare me any difficulty actually RELATING to a bf or partner. Had I known the things I am trying to teach my daughter, it sure would have spared me a lot of grief. But then, I wouldnt be who I was, and I probably would not even have her.

While the world is still hostile to LQBTG+ persons, the world is generally hostile and we have to learn to protect ourselves from harm. The troubles created for a person by identifying as LGBTQ+ are made by the hostile world, not the other way around.

So, for parents new to this my kid isnt straight thing, try not to freak out about the problems they will face. You can do a LOT to mitigate their fears (which set them up for danger later in life) by loving acceptance of their growth. And this of course applies to parents of straight kids too.

So, I feel stupid for ever thinking anything would be easier if someone was straight. Its an idea with no real basis in the actual challenges of life. I am not trying to diminish problems faced by the community, not at all. Rather, I invite parents new to all this to roll up their sleeves and just dive into being part of the solution and not adding to the problem. I mean, are you doing this life and parenting thing or aren't you? You didn't get to pick and choose the challenges in your life to date, did you?

Be willing to throw out ideas that don't help you OR your kid and settle into the deeper complex questions of life and happiness that apply to us all. I feel like settling this whole orientation thing really helped my daughter address her other issues that kind of were put on hold.

I told my daughter I would never want her to be any different than she is. And that is 100% true.

Long before I even had a kid, I saw this documentary that everyone should see, especially parents of children who have come out because its all about the experience of parents whose children have come out, and how they did or did not step up to the plate. Break out the tissue box because you will see people dig deep BECAUSE THIS IS THEIR CHILD, and others, well, not so much. Its inspiring. (Most stepped up to the plate and often the ones you would least expect!)
https://www.amazon.com/Anyone-Everyone-Susan-Polis-Schutz/dp/B000WGLADI

[Anonymous]

Definitely I think heterosexuals have it easier in this world, OP, by several degrees of magnitude! This is why parents may resist on some level when a child decides to live their true life.

Safe progressive bubbles are the exception, not the rule. People are harassed and die every day because of their "deviant" orientation in a lot of places in this world. As an international family with international friends, we are acutely aware of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Definitely I think heterosexuals have it easier in this world, OP, by several degrees of magnitude! This is why parents may resist on some level when a child decides to live their true life.

Safe progressive bubbles are the exception, not the rule. People are harassed and die every day because of their "deviant" orientation in a lot of places in this world. As an international family with international friends, we are acutely aware of this.

OP here. I am aware of many sorts of problems faced by people all over the world that have nothing to do with their orientation. The world is a hostile place, as I mentioned.

We cant change the world overnight with the love for our child, but its the best place to start. Safe Progressive Bubbles are the foundation of every bit of progress that has been made in the history of the movement, ever.

That is why I wrote this post.

[Anonymous]

No, not really. Honestly, part of me is relieved that she won’t have to decipher the words and actions of adolescent to 30 year old males the way her sister and I have. If I could recoup the time and energy spent on that, I would have accomplished so much more. Her sister has said the same thing. Heterosexual relationships can be a huge emotional vampire for straight women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not really. Honestly, part of me is relieved that she won’t have to decipher the words and actions of adolescent to 30 year old males the way her sister and I have. If I could recoup the time and energy spent on that, I would have accomplished so much more. Her sister has said the same thing. Heterosexual relationships can be a huge emotional vampire for straight women.

OP here. Agreed! THe fact that she is not totally male focused might vastly increase her odds of looking for (and finding) qualities in a person as a potential partner, rather than always having to decipher what women are always told is the "male version" of those qualities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Definitely I think heterosexuals have it easier in this world, OP, by several degrees of magnitude! This is why parents may resist on some level when a child decides to live their true life.

Safe progressive bubbles are the exception, not the rule. People are harassed and die every day because of their "deviant" orientation in a lot of places in this world. As an international family with international friends, we are acutely aware of this.

OP here. [b]I am aware of many sorts of problems faced by people all over the world that have nothing to do with their orientation. The world is a hostile place, as I mentioned.

We cant change the world overnight with the love for our child, but its the best place to start. Safe Progressive Bubbles are the foundation of every bit of progress that has been made in the history of the movement, ever.

That is why I wrote this post.

PP you replied to. The bolded is true, and one of them is skin color. We have lived this. When moving to a new area, in addition to researching commute, schools and neighborhoods, I have some additional criteria for racial tolerance, because I cannot put my family at high risk of discrimination or worse. Another one is special needs, which we also have in the family.

My point is that the accumulation of visible differences WILL make your life more difficult. People who are different cannot change that about themselves. They have to learn who to trust and they must stay vigilant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Definitely I think heterosexuals have it easier in this world, OP, by several degrees of magnitude! This is why parents may resist on some level when a child decides to live their true life.

Safe progressive bubbles are the exception, not the rule. People are harassed and die every day because of their "deviant" orientation in a lot of places in this world. As an international family with international friends, we are acutely aware of this.

OP here. [b]I am aware of many sorts of problems faced by people all over the world that have nothing to do with their orientation. The world is a hostile place, as I mentioned.

We cant change the world overnight with the love for our child, but its the best place to start. Safe Progressive Bubbles are the foundation of every bit of progress that has been made in the history of the movement, ever.

That is why I wrote this post.

PP you replied to. The bolded is true, and one of them is skin color. We have lived this. When moving to a new area, in addition to researching commute, schools and neighborhoods, I have some additional criteria for racial tolerance, because I cannot put my family at high risk of discrimination or worse. Another one is special needs, which we also have in the family.

My point is that the accumulation of visible differences WILL make your life more difficult. People who are different cannot change that about themselves. They have to learn who to trust and they must stay vigilant.

OP here. Ageed with you on all points.

However it might help to consider I posted this in a LGBTQ _relationship_ discussion for a reason. And if you read the post I focus on personal relationships for a reason.

My post is in large part about choosing a life partner, not facing the complexity of every challenge in the world. However I feel strongly that acceptance and love in your family of origin can set the ton
e for what a person chooses where they CAN choose. Like in who you marry. And I think we can all agree that the person you partner up with plays a huge role in how face challenges moving forward, like everything you have outlined.

So, I hoped it would be more clear that I was talking about relationships because of where I posted and how I structured the post.

Doesn't invalidate a single thing you said though.

International travel is definitely something I think about for her in the future. What will the world be like a few years from now? Where is it safe or safER for her to travel? She is also biracial. We have already dealt with all that goes with that just here locally and Im sure more is ahead since that change is slow as well.

My post was more meant to encourage parents who are new to a kid coming out and are thinking primarily of the challenges they will face finding a stable relationship to take heart and realize that the most important parameters they can affect positively by showing love and support and talking about what matters in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Odds are pretty good your daughter is just going through some self-identifying phase where she's making up identities for herself in an attempt to stand out. Lots of teens do this. They did this when I was in high school in the 1990s. And just about all of them are happily conventional straight people as adults. I would not dwell too much on your daughter's phase and let her grow out of it in due time. If she is genuinely of a different sexuality it will manifest itself differently than claims to be pansexual.

Regarding the premise of your title, yes, it is much easier for people to be straight than to have a different sexuality. The world is built for straight people. The cultural forces, no matter how tolerant or kind, is so strong that most straight people simply don't see how difficult it can be on many different levels for those who are not straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

However it might help to consider I posted this in a LGBTQ _relationship_ discussion for a reason. And if you read the post I focus on personal relationships for a reason.

OP, I enjoyed reading your post and I appreciate the spirit in which you wrote it. Sounds like your kids have a great parent! However, you are getting pushback because when people say it would be easier if you (or anybody) were straight, they are not talking about personal relationships. They are talking about the world at large and it's just a statement that acknowledges queer people have more obstacles.

[Anonymous]

37 year old lesbian here, and when I came out to my parents at age 16 they also were "afraid for me" because the world was a slightly different place then (hell, with a Trump presidency, we have kind of gone back there in some respects).

I hear a lot of what you're saying, OP - that it doesn't change your goals for your child and the way that you parent her - but fundamentally there are things that would've been easier for my wife and I had we been heterosexual. We got married at a time when same sex marriage wasn't yet federally legal - and there is always a deep down fear of those protections being rolled back. We had our names legally changed through the court system even after getting legally married because I was afraid a day would come when the marriage certificate may not hold up.

In addition, we've had to go through great lengths to have children. Yes, some couples we know have taken matters into their own hands and down artificial insemination at home, at no cost to them, and haven't done second parent adoptions - but this isn't smart at all. Having our two boys cost us tens of thousands of dollars between ART and legal stuff - and we started when my wife was relatively young (28).

There are also still states where one can be fired for being gay. There's no way around that kind of prejudice - it's real and it sucks.

I admire your optimism, OP. But I think it's important to be realistic too. And I'll say that by and large, DW and I have a dream life, certainly one I never thought I'd have when I was your daughter's age. But that isn't to say we haven't had our share of challenges along the way that were solely because we are a same sex couple.

[Anonymous]

That’s like saying, Do you think you would have it easier if you had Bill Gates checkbook...?

Simple question gets a simple answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:37 year old lesbian here, and when I came out to my parents at age 16 they also were "afraid for me" because the world was a slightly different place then (hell, with a Trump presidency, we have kind of gone back there in some respects).

I hear a lot of what you're saying, OP - that it doesn't change your goals for your child and the way that you parent her - but fundamentally there are things that would've been easier for my wife and I had we been heterosexual. We got married at a time when same sex marriage wasn't yet federally legal - and there is always a deep down fear of those protections being rolled back. We had our names legally changed through the court system even after getting legally married because I was afraid a day would come when the marriage certificate may not hold up.

In addition, we've had to go through great lengths to have children. Yes, some couples we know have taken matters into their own hands and down artificial insemination at home, at no cost to them, and haven't done second parent adoptions - but this isn't smart at all. Having our two boys cost us tens of thousands of dollars between ART and legal stuff - and we started when my wife was relatively young (28).

There are also still states where one can be fired for being gay. There's no way around that kind of prejudice - it's real and it sucks.

I admire your optimism, OP. But I think it's important to be realistic too. And I'll say that by and large, DW and I have a dream life, certainly one I never thought I'd have when I was your daughter's age. But that isn't to say we haven't had our share of challenges along the way that were solely because we are a same sex couple.

Slightly older lesbian here. I agree with all of this. My being a lesbian isn't a focal point in my life any more. I often forget that I am "different" simply because my wife and I aren't all that different from our straight friends (99% of our friends are straight.) We are all struggling with having high schoolers,dealing with aging parents, dealing with work woes, and carpooling kids. And at work, I've been out for the entire 20y I have worked here, and never had a single issue.

But I do realize that this is due to where we live/work (DMV) and should we live in another area, our lives wouldn't be as seamless. I also realize that it is because I 'pass' - people wouldn't automatically assume I was gay by looking at me.