Is my anxiety ruining my kids?

[Anonymous]

I had my kids parent-teacher conferences this week. I was told that both of them are always rushing and can’t settle down. Both teachers asked if I might know why they operate that way. And then it dawned on me that I am always rushing them to get ready in the am, rush8mg for them to eat breakfast, telling them to hurry up as soon as after school teachers tell them I’ve arrived (because we are rushing to get to an evening activity). Same goes for the weekends. Sometimes I find myself rushing them to move even though we are not on a schedule! I would say I have some anxiety: I am worried about being late to work even though there is a 30-minute flex of employees’ start times. I worry about getting to practices, games early enough so we can find parking (!) and/or they have appropriate time to warm up/get ready. I worry about flying. I worry about anything and everything happening to my kids. ...... all in a vacuum don’t seem out of the ordinary. I have a checklist on my phone of everyday tasks because I’m worried I’ll forget something. I have mild social anxiety....but nothing like when I was younger. Could all this anxiety and worry be shaping my kids into anxious, rush through life little people? Or is this just the life of a family with two working parents (One of which that is only around 30 minutes during bedtime), no local family support, no real extra funds to throw at outsourcing? any advice would be great.

[Anonymous]

Nah, they are just that way.
I don’t think it is even something that the teachers should have commented on, just a personal trait.

[Anonymous]

I would say yes. I have a friend like this and her kids are definitely impacted by her anxiety. I had to work really hard to get over my anxiety I never knew I had. It took years of therapy for me to realize my mom was always in an anxious state and it made me think that was how people typically operated so I was always in an anxious state. It was a very familiar feeling to me so I didn’t realize how much it was impacting me. I still get anxious sometimes like when we travel and I have to work very hard to reframe my thoughts so that I don’t rile up my son since he’s taking my cues. My friend is highly anxious and her kids have gotten progressively so but she doesn’t see it since it’s her comfortable place to be. Good for you for reflecting on yourself. That’s not always easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say yes. I have a friend like this and her kids are definitely impacted by her anxiety. I had to work really hard to get over my anxiety I never knew I had. It took years of therapy for me to realize my mom was always in an anxious state and it made me think that was how people typically operated so I was always in an anxious state. It was a very familiar feeling to me so I didn’t realize how much it was impacting me. I still get anxious sometimes like when we travel and I have to work very hard to reframe my thoughts so that I don’t rile up my son since he’s taking my cues. My friend is highly anxious and her kids have gotten progressively so but she doesn’t see it since it’s her comfortable place to be. Good for you for reflecting on yourself. That’s not always easy.

I just read your title question and I didn’t mean to respond “yes” in an absolute way like that. Just saying your own anxiety is something to think about and it may be impacting your kids. It’s not ruining your kids. -PP

[Anonymous]

I have to keep mine in check too - and those days when my kids burst into tears I realize I’ve let it creep up - I do give us an incredible amount of time in the morning so we don’t have to rush much - I also get them to school when the doors open so they can have 30 mins to settle in, socialize, and play with friends ...so I guess I’ve engineered things to try to give them more time so they don’t feel rushed

[Anonymous]

Yes I think it can impact kids, but we are in the same boat so no good answers. It’s the nature of modern life. I would say try to be conscious about building in some rituals to slow down time. Nice bath time with candles, dinner (same food as usual) with nice music and a candle. Take time to point out the colors in the sky as you drive. Give them a hug in the morning and some time to wake up before starting. I also purposefully picked after school activities that are more low key for some days, like yoga or art or just digging in a sandbox. I think it’s about the overall flavor of things and not the inevitable moments of stress. Remember that some stress is healthy and builds resilience.

I don’t know, I have also just embraced being late sometimes.

[Anonymous]

If both kids' teachers made this comment separately (and you don't indicate their ages, but it's unusual to see this trait in young kids), then yes, you have instilled or modeled this trait for them.

[Anonymous]

Instead of worrying about whether or not your ways are “ruining” them, why not try to take up something to help combat some of the potential anxiety for the family, like some kid meditations (Spotify has them) or cosmic kids yoga videos? Or some good old hygge on weekends. (Google it if unfamiliar.) Even if it doesn’t help, it can’t hurt. I feel ya with the need to be out the door and the anxiety around being too stagnant, and if it matters, my DD is like a bump on a log when it’s time to go anywhere or do anything, DS is like a whirling dervish, but at school, both are measured and focused. So I don’t know if how yours are at school is because of your actions—perhaps it’s just a trait they’ve inherited. Either way, if it’s a concern, don’t try to change or worry over it, just see if you can introduce some ways to alleviate it. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

It could be partially genetic. I’d say it’s probably being used to rushing all the time and inheriting whichever personality traits that cause anxiety. Is your husband anxious as well?
My mother is/was like you and we were always rushing no matter what the situation was but my father is a really chill person. I’m more like my mother and my sister is more like my father although she does get anxious about certain things. I’ve toned it down a bit, but I can see my mother in me when it’s time to get to the airport or if there’s homework to be done.

[Anonymous]

I coach kindergarten soccer and there is a little boy whose first words every practice and game are to walk up to me and say “am I late?” and it breaks my heart.

I have 2 small kids with lots of activities, 2 pick ups and a husband who works late - so I am on my own to wrangle my 3yr old so my 5yr old isn’t late to things. I plan ahead, pack the night before, open snacks before I get the kids so the get in and eat on the way. I make moving with purpose (I don’t call it hurrying) a game and I make sure to allow them time to dawdle when it’s not necessary to rush. I hate being late. We are almost always one of the first families to arrive at activities, but I don’t stress my kids out about it.

My 5yr old understands things start at a specific time. We talk about his day in the morning and I remind him then when everything is calm - Today is Wednesday. When I get to after school care, I won’t be be able to let you finish your game. I plan a fun snack those days because it’s an incentive to get to the car quickly.

[Anonymous]

I think another way to look at it is that anxiety is hereditary. Because you have anxiety, your children are more likely to have it as well. So if you’re anxiety is causing you to rush yourself and rush them, that’s how you’re teaching them to cope with anxiety.

Think about how you want to feel, if you’re really comfortable with your anxiety levels or if you wish you were less anxious, and how you’d like to treat your anxiety. Then take a moment to think about those same questions for your children. How do they feel, how much anxiety is acceptable for them, how do you want to teach them to cope? Then make a plan and follow through. It might mean you need medical advice or a therapist for CBT, it might mean you need to make time to work out and meditate, maybe you need to eat healthier with less sugar and alcohol, or it might mean you need to cut back on activities if you’re so rushed you can’t get to them without your anxiety spiking. There are a lot of choices to help you deal with anxiety, but usually a healthy/healthier lifestyle and removing unnecessary sources of stress is a good place to start.

[Anonymous]

Being in a constant state of stress and unable to settle down or calm down is very unhealthy. Brain development happens different when the brain is in a state of stress. It is either your anxiety or their own anxiety but either way it needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

You're not ruining your kids. You may be over scheduled and/or have poor time management skills.

Plan with them and have them help with tasks that need to get done the next day, eg picking out next day's school clothes, making lunch, having backpacks ready by the door.

Check yourself, which it sounds like you're doing. Do you use phrases like, "hurry up" a lot. For kids that doesn't mean much. Putting a sticky on the clock of it's this time now and we need to leave by x time may help them and you visualize passage of time better. 10 minute, 5 minute, 2 minute warnings might limit filler phrases from you and actually help kids learn time management skills.

Pace yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think if you can find some ways to help manage your own anxiety, they will also reap the benefits.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I have the same problem OP and my kids inherit it from me via both nature and nurture. What has helped me is living for the now and accepting what happens. Read a book called "a new earth" bu Eckert Tolle, it helped. DBT therapy also helped.