Rabbi/rebbetzin making parents feel bad about bar/bat mitzvah parties

[Anonymous]

We are having an issue with the rabbi and his wife making parents, including us and the others in our class, feel bad about planning big parties after the ceremony, saying quite strong criticisms about "just being after public recognition" and "taking the meaning out of the day" and other nasty statements.

When it happened to me, I had just asked about attaching balloons to the synagogue sign so that our guests could find the right place. I was taken aback since our party is much less elaborate and we have gone out of our way to include all the congregants who want to attend. The comment felt hurtful. I didn't respond except to say okay and that I understood the point of view, but now I feel shaken up and put down when I am trying to support my child who has dedicated so much time to this event, missing out on recitals and sports meets for the past couple years, and skipping out on the school play since it conflicted with Hebrew school. If the intent was to push us out as soon as the ceremony is over, it is working.

[Anonymous]

We had opposite issue. My daughter wanted to learn more Hebrew for her service. Rabbi said no. He didn't want to do anymore work. Left that temple after that. She went on to be fluent in a few languages, obviously it was important to my child.

I'm sorry about your situation. It's not right.

[Anonymous]

The thing that really jumps out at me is that the rabbi and his wife are verbally making ad hoc passive aggressive remarks to individual congregants regarding something that is really a broader policy issue. I think that is improper.

IMO it's well within the reasonable rabbinical range of opinion to disapprove of certain styles or degrees of parties, but such opinions should be carefully considered, thoughtfully articulated, carefully qualified, and tactfully communicated. If a policy is established (e.g. maximum number of guests), same goes for the policy. The rabbi and his wife should not be making the issue personal by reacting grumpily to individual congregants' celebrations.

Is this issue representative of the Rabbi's approach to other issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing that really jumps out at me is that the rabbi and his wife are verbally making ad hoc passive aggressive remarks to individual congregants regarding something that is really a broader policy issue. I think that is improper.

IMO it's well within the reasonable rabbinical range of opinion to disapprove of certain styles or degrees of parties, but such opinions should be carefully considered, thoughtfully articulated, carefully qualified, and tactfully communicated. If a policy is established (e.g. maximum number of guests), same goes for the policy. The rabbi and his wife should not be making the issue personal by reacting grumpily to individual congregants' celebrations.

Is this issue representative of the Rabbi's approach to other issues?

OP back. Yes, it is. Rabbi's contract is over in so many years and clearly is ready to retire and feeling disenchanted and so is his wife. Anyway, I emailed the wife already saying that I am sorry that it is viewed as a sign of egotism when I didn't view the Rabbi's efforts to get more people to Rosh Hashanah with signage inside and out in the same way. It was passive aggressive.

But I also disagree that it is the reasonable for the rabbi to be constantly expressing his opinion on parties and Jewish celebrations. He is vocal about disapproving about parties and all sorts of public things, including when we wanted to visit our child's classroom to teach about Hanukkah, but he is pushing away many congregants. Personally we had asked our child about doing the ceremony in Israel to save a lot of money, including the expected high "contribution" to the rabbinical discretionary fund, and our child's motivation for making this commitment was the party. As a reform Jew (with a reform rabbi) I am fine with it and don't want my teenage child harshly criticized here.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I just wanted to say that I do understand that my response was a little harsh. All I can say is that I'm a bad person and I'm under a lot of stress already from this event and didn't need to be shat on right now.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a Jew, but if you believe this elderly Rabbi is fatigued and disenchanted after long years of service, then hopefully you can let go of his recent comments. Don't let it get to you. Don't take it personally. Your child will be recognized in the synagogue as well as outside of it! Win-win for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I just wanted to say that I do understand that my response was a little harsh. All I can say is that I'm a bad person and I'm under a lot of stress already from this event and didn't need to be shat on right now.

Hugs. Hang in there, more kind people will show up and I am sure someone will give you a useful and helpful guidance. I don't have anything specific but I am sorry for the situation you are in because it does not seem neither fair nor easy.

[Anonymous]

Op, can you switch congregations or is it too late? Very surprised to hear that the rabbi’s wife is so involved in a reform congregation. Please bring this up to your board President. I’m on the board of my temple. We do not put balloons on our building but your temple staff should be working with you in other ways to accommodate you if your building doesn’t have signage that makes it easy for your guests to find. Our former rabbi would act like it was just a regular service that happened to include a bar/bat mitzvah rather than the family’s special day. It was very annoying. Please advocate with others for what you need and hopefully you can find a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: But I also disagree that it is the reasonable for the rabbi to be constantly expressing his opinion on parties and Jewish celebrations. He is vocal about disapproving about parties and all sorts of public things, including when we wanted to visit our child's classroom to teach about Hanukkah, but he is pushing away many congregants. Personally we had asked our child about doing the ceremony in Israel to save a lot of money, including the expected high "contribution" to the rabbinical discretionary fund, and our child's motivation for making this commitment was the party. As a reform Jew (with a reform rabbi) I am fine with it and don't want my teenage child harshly criticized here.

Your individual child doesn't need to be criticized and I don't agree with the manner in which this rabbi is going about expressing his opinions. But being Reform doesn't preclude a rabbi from offering moral, ethical, or spiritual guidance. The question of how lavish is too lavish and the proper focus during religious celebrations is addressed by Reform congregations too.

A quick example from Google, from a Reform temple:

Certain principles should be kept in mind as your prepare for your simcha. The service and the child should be the focus of preparations. Extravagant decorations and / or lavish cuisine are inappropriate and detract from the Shabbat mood.

Accordingly, we offer the following guidelines:

On Friday evening, we suggest a simple Oneg Shabbat consisting of a sweets table, fruit, punch, coffee, and tea.

On Saturday morning, we recommend at least a simple Kiddush with wine and challah.

I'm not saying you have to agree with the rabbi's positions or that I agree with it. Just that it's within the realm of opinions that exist and are somewhat defensible.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that that the rabbi wasn’t talking about you, specifically. He was probably making a general statement because he has experience with families that throw over the top parties. I know our rabbi doesn’t want bar mitzvah parties to be like weddings. He wants the occasion to be meaningful and feels that a big, over the top party takes away from this.

[Anonymous]

I know one story, a rabbi announced that that they food was not kosher during his bar mitzvah
Parents paid a bribe, perhaps he went home happy
Young Man got a burning desire to get away from the hypocrisy of religion

[Anonymous]

If the pair are old and grumpy, I’m sure you are right it is time to retire. Or maybe they are out of sinc with the congregation. This happens. I hope the contract doesn’t go on for too many years.

Get on the search committee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you switch congregations or is it too late? Very surprised to hear that the rabbi’s wife is so involved in a reform congregation. Please bring this up to your board President. I’m on the board of my temple. We do not put balloons on our building but your temple staff should be working with you in other ways to accommodate you if your building doesn’t have signage that makes it easy for your guests to find. Our former rabbi would act like it was just a regular service that happened to include a bar/bat mitzvah rather than the family’s special day. It was very annoying. Please advocate with others for what you need and hopefully you can find a compromise.

A) I don’t see what the problem is— certainly a rabbi should be encouraging and congratulatory but not to the point of making the day about the bar mitzvah and B) at some larger congregations there are bar mitzvahs every week (or even two) so it is literally true that a shabbat with a bar mitzvah is like every other week

[Anonymous]

Honestly many rabbis are turned off by the sheer materialism/narcissism of the BM factory approach. Who can really blame them? They are literate Jews watching entitled UMC kids take the easy way out by memorizing MP3s instead of learning to read Hebrew, focusing on elaborate party themes instead of divining meaning from the ceremony, creating swag bags instead of spiritual connection. Many of us parents are sick of this, too.

[Anonymous]

Do you go to temple to hear what you want to hear or to get the guidance and teachings of the Rabbi? If it the former than you would probably be better suited to whatever the Jewish version of a megachurch would be.