Rabbi/rebbetzin making parents feel bad about bar/bat mitzvah parties

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had just asked about attaching balloons to the synagogue sign so that our guests could find the right place.

Your guests need help finding the synagogue? Even if they are not members, I've always found them easy to find and well marked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you switch congregations or is it too late? Very surprised to hear that the rabbi’s wife is so involved in a reform congregation. Please bring this up to your board President. I’m on the board of my temple. We do not put balloons on our building but your temple staff should be working with you in other ways to accommodate you if your building doesn’t have signage that makes it easy for your guests to find. Our former rabbi would act like it was just a regular service that happened to include a bar/bat mitzvah rather than the family’s special day. It was very annoying. Please advocate with others for what you need and hopefully you can find a compromise.

A) I don’t see what the problem is— certainly a rabbi should be encouraging and congratulatory but not to the point of making the day about the bar mitzvah and B) at some larger congregations there are bar mitzvahs every week (or even two) so it is literally true that a shabbat with a bar mitzvah is like every other week

at my small shul, we didn't even own the bm day. some of the aliyot were reserved for other people and their events (namings, ufrufs, whatever).

I certainly don't like complaining bitter rabbis, but it really isn't only your day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you switch congregations or is it too late? Very surprised to hear that the rabbi’s wife is so involved in a reform congregation. Please bring this up to your board President. I’m on the board of my temple. We do not put balloons on our building but your temple staff should be working with you in other ways to accommodate you if your building doesn’t have signage that makes it easy for your guests to find. Our former rabbi would act like it was just a regular service that happened to include a bar/bat mitzvah rather than the family’s special day. It was very annoying. Please advocate with others for what you need and hopefully you can find a compromise.

A) I don’t see what the problem is— certainly a rabbi should be encouraging and congratulatory but not to the point of making the day about the bar mitzvah and B) at some larger congregations there are bar mitzvahs every week (or even two) so it is literally true that a shabbat with a bar mitzvah is like every other week

at my small shul, we didn't even own the bm day. some of the aliyot were reserved for other people and their events (namings, ufrufs, whatever).

I certainly don't like complaining bitter rabbis, but it really isn't only your day.

If you are spending over $30,000 on the celebration, event, guests and cost of school included, then whose day is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you switch congregations or is it too late? Very surprised to hear that the rabbi’s wife is so involved in a reform congregation. Please bring this up to your board President. I’m on the board of my temple. We do not put balloons on our building but your temple staff should be working with you in other ways to accommodate you if your building doesn’t have signage that makes it easy for your guests to find. Our former rabbi would act like it was just a regular service that happened to include a bar/bat mitzvah rather than the family’s special day. It was very annoying. Please advocate with others for what you need and hopefully you can find a compromise.

A) I don’t see what the problem is— certainly a rabbi should be encouraging and congratulatory but not to the point of making the day about the bar mitzvah and B) at some larger congregations there are bar mitzvahs every week (or even two) so it is literally true that a shabbat with a bar mitzvah is like every other week

at my small shul, we didn't even own the bm day. some of the aliyot were reserved for other people and their events (namings, ufrufs, whatever).

I certainly don't like complaining bitter rabbis, but it really isn't only your day.

If you are spending over $30,000 on the celebration, event, guests and cost of school included, then whose day is it?

Well, shabbat is shabbat. And the people not invited don't really care what you spent.

I went to a bat mitzvah recently where they had to "share" with a naming and it was lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you switch congregations or is it too late? Very surprised to hear that the rabbi’s wife is so involved in a reform congregation. Please bring this up to your board President. I’m on the board of my temple. We do not put balloons on our building but your temple staff should be working with you in other ways to accommodate you if your building doesn’t have signage that makes it easy for your guests to find. Our former rabbi would act like it was just a regular service that happened to include a bar/bat mitzvah rather than the family’s special day. It was very annoying. Please advocate with others for what you need and hopefully you can find a compromise.

A) I don’t see what the problem is— certainly a rabbi should be encouraging and congratulatory but not to the point of making the day about the bar mitzvah and B) at some larger congregations there are bar mitzvahs every week (or even two) so it is literally true that a shabbat with a bar mitzvah is like every other week

at my small shul, we didn't even own the bm day. some of the aliyot were reserved for other people and their events (namings, ufrufs, whatever).

I certainly don't like complaining bitter rabbis, but it really isn't only your day.

If you are spending over $30,000 on the celebration, event, guests and cost of school included, then whose day is it?

Disgusting! You cannot buy Shabbat. Is your son more important than the widow saying Kaddish for his wife? The disabled octogenarian whose one day out is Saturday with his shul friends? The baby naming of a baby girl born to parents who went through 100 cycles of IF to conceive her? Please check your extreme privilege.

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling that the rabbi was truly offended by balloons being associated with the synagogue. He should have been polite, but balloons and solemn ceremonies don't mix. I have on rare occasion seen white balloons inside churches for First Communion and they are TACKY. Sorry.

Now, if someone wants to have a balloon at a First Communion party at home, fine.

[Anonymous]

Here's a phrase I don't often use--I'm a rebbetzin (I really don't think of myself that way but technically it's accurate). My husband left the bima a few years ago for a different flavor of rabbinate but in our congregational days I cannot imagine a scenario where I would have had this kind of role in the congregation, especially outside of the Orthodox world. Regardless of where I personally come down on "owning the day" or parties of any size or price tag, I can't imagine being a part of a community where the rabbi and his spouse feel empowered to make open judgments like this. There's a difference between finding the right time and space to have genuine conversation about the big picture of what the Bar/Bat Mitzvah experience means to both your family and the larger community vs. shaming folks for how they celebrate with language that insults them.

[Anonymous]

You can own your party (which hopefully starts after shabbat ends) but you don't "own" the service. Part of what I like about temple services (vs services that are done independently using a freelance rabbi) is that the BM is part of the overall service and it doesn't revolve around him/her.

I'm also not sure why you would need balloons. Pretty much everyone has GPS and temples usually have signs and are not hard to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a phrase I don't often use--I'm a rebbetzin (I really don't think of myself that way but technically it's accurate). My husband left the bima a few years ago for a different flavor of rabbinate but in our congregational days I cannot imagine a scenario where I would have had this kind of role in the congregation, especially outside of the Orthodox world. Regardless of where I personally come down on "owning the day" or parties of any size or price tag, I can't imagine being a part of a community where the rabbi and his spouse feel empowered to make open judgments like this. There's a difference between finding the right time and space to have genuine conversation about the big picture of what the Bar/Bat Mitzvah experience means to both your family and the larger community vs. shaming folks for how they celebrate with language that insults them. [


Well, maybe the rabbi has tried several times to have genuine conversations and failed to get the message through the thick heads. ..

OP when you are considering moving your child's BM out of country to save money on the party, you need a rude awakening. You got one.

[Anonymous]

Can we stop with the abbreviation BM, it sounds like you are talking about poop.

[Anonymous]

Well the parties are out of control. His comment to you may have been misplaced, but I get the sentiment.

[Anonymous]

A Rabbi is not there to serve you and just perform ceremonies, a rabbi is a spiritual advisor. He is well within his rights to have an opinion about the state of bar/bat mitzvahs today (which I agree is way too materialistic — although this was also the case when I had mine 20 years ago)

Of course he should communicate this with compassion but he’s right. Also the bar/t mitzvah isn't your kids “day”, it’s when they join the community, which means sharing the day with any other celebration going on that Shabbat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: But I also disagree that it is the reasonable for the rabbi to be constantly expressing his opinion on parties and Jewish celebrations. He is vocal about disapproving about parties and all sorts of public things, including when we wanted to visit our child's classroom to teach about Hanukkah, but he is pushing away many congregants. Personally we had asked our child about doing the ceremony in Israel to save a lot of money, including the expected high "contribution" to the rabbinical discretionary fund, and our child's motivation for making this commitment was the party. As a reform Jew (with a reform rabbi) I am fine with it and don't want my teenage child harshly criticized here.

Your individual child doesn't need to be criticized and I don't agree with the manner in which this rabbi is going about expressing his opinions. But being Reform doesn't preclude a rabbi from offering moral, ethical, or spiritual guidance. The question of how lavish is too lavish and the proper focus during religious celebrations is addressed by Reform congregations too.

A quick example from Google, from a Reform temple:

Certain principles should be kept in mind as your prepare for your simcha. The service and the child should be the focus of preparations. Extravagant decorations and / or lavish cuisine are inappropriate and detract from the Shabbat mood.

Accordingly, we offer the following guidelines:

On Friday evening, we suggest a simple Oneg Shabbat consisting of a sweets table, fruit, punch, coffee, and tea.

On Saturday morning, we recommend at least a simple Kiddush with wine and challah.

I'm not saying you have to agree with the rabbi's positions or that I agree with it. Just that it's within the realm of opinions that exist and are somewhat defensible.

Exactly.