Sharing night duties/sleep shifts

[Anonymous]

So my husband is refusing to help out at night with baby and says since he has work (during my maternity leave) he needs sleep. We have had a number of conversations and he refuses to take one feeding shift (like 1am or 2am) he said he will do the morning (5am) but I'm an early riser and that will not help relieve the sleepless nights. Our son is pretty nocturnal still and is up the majority of the night.

How did you split your feeding shifts? I'm sleep deprived and need a solution. I am definitely starting to resent him sleeping through my sleeplessness nights which is not good for our relationship.

[Anonymous]

We usually split that my dh got everything before 12 (i still got up to feed) and he would change and rock her and I'd get everything after since dh has to get up at 4:30 to go to work. But right now our 6 week old has been up since 2:15 and does not want to fall asleep and I did an hour if walking with her crying and upset for no reason and dh couldn't listen to it any more and came into the nursery and now he's rocking her. He's oddly better at it and more patient. So I'm online and will pass out in a minute. And he'll still go to work at 4:30 and be very tired and pound coffee all day. But it is what it is at this age. We have an older child too. All hands on deck for three months at least for us.
Thankfully the baby is decent more nights than not now (3-4 hr stretches) And we also go to bed at 9 to get some sleep early in the night.

[Anonymous]

During maternity leave I tool Sunday through Thursday nights and he took weekends. When I went back to work we split the night in half.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but this is why you’re home on maternity leave. If he’s going to handle a shift it should be day earlier than midnight or 5 AM. He needs rest to go to work. You need to nap when the baby sleeps during the day.

[Anonymous]

Dh took the 11pm feeding. I went to bed by 8 or 9. So with baby up at 1?still got a stretch of 4 or 5 hours of sleep.

[Anonymous]

In theory DW did the 11pm ish feeding, I did the 5amish feeding and we took turns with the one in the middle if there was one.
Sleep deprivation is hard. We did CIO at 4.5 mos because we couldnt take it anymore.

[Anonymous]

I did all night feedings. DH helped out other ways but he needs to be rested for work and I would sneak in sleep during the day. We were both exhausted, but that’s just life with a newborn. It will pass.

[Anonymous]

I did all night feedings as well. I was breastfeeding and there wasn’t much for DH to do. Plus I can wake up, feed in 30 mins and go back to sleep easily. Dh isn’t able to fall back asleep once he is woken up. Fwiw this only lasted a few months until our kids were sleeping through the night. If it went on in perpetuity I would probably ask dh to start waking up for one of the feedings.

[Anonymous]

We split the night always, even when I was on leave and DH was working. He took everything until 2am, I took everything after.

You're sounding a bit obstinate about the 5am shift though - he's offering to help, you just don't want him to help at that time because you're an early riser? Beggars can't be choosers... if you're that tired, get some blackout curtains and learn to sleep then.

[Anonymous]

I did it all because I was breastfeeding and because I had a hard time listening to the baby scream or cry so I couldn’t sleep even if he had her. I would sometimes tap him in if I had been fighting with her for more than 30’min and couldn’t figure out what to do next but that was rare. BUT, you are not helping yourself. He is offering to help. Let him get the 5am, which will get you sleep until about 7 or 8. That is a solid stretch of time. It may not be your preferred time but it will take the edge off and allow you downtime. Don’t be a martyr and don’t be annoying that he should do it a certain way. If he is willing to take the 11 or 12 am, even better (my husband does not go to bed until 12 and I go much earlier) so it would work for us to let me sleep 8-12 at night. But if that did not any port in a storm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but this is why you’re home on maternity leave. If he’s going to handle a shift it should be day earlier than midnight or 5 AM. He needs rest to go to work. You need to nap when the baby sleeps during the day.

I disagree. You're home on maternity leave because your body is also recovering and you also need rest to function.

You deserve an equal partner in this journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but this is why you’re home on maternity leave. If he’s going to handle a shift it should be day earlier than midnight or 5 AM. He needs rest to go to work. You need to nap when the baby sleeps during the day.

I strongly disagree. Staying home, whether on leave or permanently, is just as hard as working out of the home. I say this as a WOHM. You should be well rested if you are staying home with a newborn so that you can concentrate and care for the baby and yourself during the day. I don't agree that partners should get a full night of sleep because they leave the house each day to work.

OP - you need to divide and conquer and I'm sorry your DH is not pulling his weight at night. For us with DD1, it worked best for one person to be responsible for her from 8P-1A and the other from 1A-6A. This guaranteed we were both getting a solid 5+hrs of sleep per night. DD2 slept through the night on her own fairly quickly so we kept our daytime duties overnight which were that I was responsible for all "input" and DH was responsible for all "output". He'd get up and change her and then I'd feed and put her back down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh took the 11pm feeding. I went to bed by 8 or 9. So with baby up at 1?still got a stretch of 4 or 5 hours of sleep.

This. You go to bed when baby "goes" to bed, around 8 or 9pm. DH can do whatever he wants (go to bed too or stay up) but he does anything beore midnight. After midnight, it's your shift again.

[Anonymous]

Side DH. He has to be fresh for work. It’s nice of him to offer to take 5 am. My DH has a super stressful job for which he needs to be alert for and wouldn’t do any of the night wakings.
I think that you need to sleep during the day whenever your baby sleeps. I know easier said that done, but it is what it is while you are on leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Side DH. He has to be fresh for work. It’s nice of him to offer to take 5 am. My DH has a super stressful job for which he needs to be alert for and wouldn’t do any of the night wakings.
I think that you need to sleep during the day whenever your baby sleeps. I know easier said that done, but it is what it is while you are on leave.

So then when she goes back to work... what happens? It's his turn to be tired and she gets to rest because she needs to be fresh?

She has done all of the work for 9 months plus and has a physical recovery to get through. They are both busy during the day, they should be sharing the disruption during the night.

I genuinely don't understand why women accept this BS.