Would you open a poison pen letter?

[Anonymous]

As background, my mom went off on me a few weeks ago on the phone saying she feels taken advantage of and that she was too angry to talk, then hanging up the phone. I sent an emailing saying I was sorry she feels that way, wished she had spoken up earlier, and would like to talk through her feelings when she’s ready. I sent two more follow up emails with zero acknowledgment. (Before I get attacked, my parents watch my kids on Wednesday after school — by their own request. They asked this summer if they could, I said yes. We did the same thing last year. My kids are in aftercare until 6, so this essentially means my parents pick them up at 530, I’d meet them at my house and then we’d all go out to dinner, which I pay for). This is it. They do no other babysitting. They live 1.5 hours away, so when I say none, I mean none.

I just found out my sister just got a poison pen letter in snail mail today (I was told to pass along my mother’s angry words to my sister during that first call). I’m sure mine is in my mailbox.

I feel this is so immature. I’m thinking of just ignoring it’s arrival and never reading it.

We have a family event on Saturday so I will see my mother soon.

So, looking for a reality check - am I comply off-base by simply ignoring the letter?

[Anonymous]

I'd read it, but probably not respond to it. Probably burn it with my citronella candle as I drink wine on the patio.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd read it, but probably not respond to it. Probably burn it with my citronella candle as I drink wine on the patio.

Lol. Maybe I will ask my sister over and we can burn them together as we drink wine.

[Anonymous]

I assume the poison pen letter means a letter when your mother vents her feelings. I have never heard that term before.

That is an odd situation you are in because it has never occurred to me. however, I would acknowledge that I received a letter. And saybthat I can see that you are very upset. In the meantime maybe you need to reconsider your childcare arrangement.

[Anonymous]

What is a poison pen letter?

[Anonymous]

I would probably hold on to it but not open it and give mom a chance to cool down and decide whether she really wants me to read it.

Hearing certain things is like ringing a bell that can’t be unrung.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I think since you asked to talk through her feelings when she feels ready it's not really good form to ignore her feelings when she makes them known.

Now, she may have no basis to feel upset, and she may be irrational, so the contents of the letter may be better left unaddressed. But in my reading of your OP, you sent 3 emails asking for her to talk to you. Now she's sent you a letter and your reaction is exasperation and you're considering not even opening it. That feels manipulative on your end.

[Anonymous]

Did I miss something? Why is your mom angry with you? Is she also angry at your sister? And why? And is she the one who sent you the letter? And what in the world is a poison pen letter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a poison pen letter?

‘A poison pen letter is a letter or note containing unpleasant, abusive, or malicious statements or accusations about the recipient or a third party. It is usually sent anonymously. In the term "poison pen", the word poison is used figuratively, rather than literally.’

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poison_pen_letter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I think since you asked to talk through her feelings when she feels ready it's not really good form to ignore her feelings when she makes them known.

Now, she may have no basis to feel upset, and she may be irrational, so the contents of the letter may be better left unaddressed. But in my reading of your OP, you sent 3 emails asking for her to talk to you. Now she's sent you a letter and your reaction is exasperation and you're considering not even opening it. That feels manipulative on your end.

Thanks. I should’ve clarified- all my communications indicated that I’d be calling her so we could talk about them. My mother is notorious for sending these types of missives out.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I’d be able to resist opening it, so....yes. But do.not.respond. No matter what it says!!! Do.Not.!! Not only will it encourage more of the same “letters” but no good will come of it anyway. Ignore like you would a child’s tantrum.

IMHO people who send letters rather than discussing like an adult (ideally in person) are total cowards.

[Anonymous]

Hold on, your parents drive 3 hours simply to have dinner with the grandkids? Is it possible that they volunteered to do this because it’s the only way to see the grandkids? That might be the source of the frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold on, your parents drive 3 hours simply to have dinner with the grandkids? Is it possible that they volunteered to do this because it’s the only way to see the grandkids? That might be the source of the frustration.

Yeah, that's a long drive just for dinner. Almost as much driving time as hanging out time assuming the kids go to bed around 8:30. Do you guys ever go to their house to see them on weekends?

[Anonymous]

Oh, hell no. I don't have time for that kind of foolishness. If family has something to say, they can say it in a reasonably civil way, to my face.

[Anonymous]

Have a trusted friend and ally read it first. If the friend determines that there is no "need to know" info in the letter, (disowning you from the will, you're adopted confession, etc.) have them burn it up.