Child lying and sneaking stuff

[Pennywoloz]

I have a 12 year old girl and she is constantly getting into snacks. For instance yesterday I went grocery shopping and bought groceries for the week and I forgot to hide the snacks when I got home. I went to get ready for bed and noticed one of the snack boxes open and the whole box is gone. I look in her room and under her bed are all the wrappers. She was already asleep, so I asked her about it this morning and she literally looked at me and said that she didn't do it. This happens all the time. If I don't lock up the snacks, she'll get into them. And she is not snack deprived. She gets a snack to take to school, one after school, and one before bed. I don't know if this means anything to what she is doing, but she does have high functioning autism and ADHD.
Please no bashing. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Anonymous]

Try involving her in making some snacks. Like baking stuff with her. The lying is odd given you caught her. That part need to address, but maybe the other part can be redirected.

[Anonymous]

I would post this in the special needs forum OP. But a few things - any history of trauma, adoption etc? Either way, just generally I would recommend trying to take the power away from this interaction by 1. don't ask her any questions you already know the answer to. She will probably not tell the truth the first time and then that just leads to more frustration for both of you. She lies because she feels shame. Shame can make us do all sorts of things so I would try to address that - does she have a therapist? 2. Can you try a snack basket of things you all pick out together that she has access to at any time? Try grocery shopping together and coming up with a plan for snacks together.

Also, I would try talking with her about it, asking if she's hungry? Since the hiding and sneaking tells you she feels ashamed, try connecting with her when this happens. "Were you hungry last night? Maybe we need to think about snacks that will fill you up more." Is it possibles she is having snacks at those times but they aren't particularly filling? It's so hard to know from your post because it could be related to the ADHD, or if there is past trauma it could be related to that, but otherwise sneaking and seeking "fast" carbs often means our body isn't getting what we need, so it seeks the fastest way to get energy - simple carbs. So to rectify this you could try more filling snacks - snacks that include a carb, protein, veggie/fruit. Maybe a banana peanut butter smoothie for the bedtime snack with plenty of good stuff in it, something that will really meet her nutritional needs.

Also I'm not sure you're going to get very well informed answers here to be honest, so I would tread lightly. If you're worried about weight and that's why you're limiting snacking you could try the book "How to help without hurting" by Ellyn Satter. If you think it's trauma, adoption or even ADHD related - you could try the book Beyond Logic, Consequences and Control. It's geared towards kids with attachment difficulties but there is a chapter on sneaking food that might have helpful ideas.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it sounds like an eating disorder. I did stuff like that when I was that age and I still have to fight urges to binge all the snacks and junk food. I wish I’d had a therapist to talk to when I was young, since it’s not a fun cycle to be in.

[Anonymous]

As someone who had an eating disorder, this is not about the snacks. This is disordered eating that you should talk to a therapist and get to the root of the problem. Do it now before she gets to HS.

[Anonymous]

I know this is kind of like chicken and the egg, but it is possible she is sneaking them beacuse they are usually hidden. She has not learned self restraint. Or it just feels fun to get your own snack. Have you always hid them? Or did you have to start because of her eating?

[Anonymous]

It’s ADHD. Only another parent of a kid with ADHD will understand.

[Anonymous]

I had an eating disorder and this is the age when I started hiding food. Get your daughter therapy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to stop regulating the snacks. I know about this from having been your kid to trying to raise a daughter with similar problems. You could try a snack basket, if she agrees, but she will probably feel pressure to agree and then feel pressure to sneak around to avoid the snack basket and eat what she really wants. I agree that you shouldn't ask her questions that you know she will lie to -- again, too much pressure, leads to her feeling forced to lie, and then since she is now a liar she feels more free to lie and sneak the next time. My teen DD handles her food and weight pretty well now -- she's not skinny, but she's healthy. Also, add in a bunch of family exercise -- family walks and hikes

And finally, you may want to ask the moderator to make your initial post anonymous. Almost everyone on DCUM is anonymous and it gives your daughter more privacy, since she didn't pose this question herself.

[Anonymous]

She probably feels ashamed because you are dictating exactly how much she is allowed to eat and when she is allowed to eat it. Anything more than the exact snacks you give at the time you give them seems forbidden. Also, if she's medicated for ADHD, she might not be eating much during the school day. My son would usually take maybe one bite of his lunch at that age.

I have raised a boy and a girl and the period of time when I had to buy the most food was when my daughter was in middle school. Her friends would come over and devour absolutely everything. She may just be hungrier than you think she ought to be. It's also normal for tween girls to gain a little weight and then thin out again.

[Anonymous]

Kids lie. Might also be ADHD leading to thoughtless grazing, followed by shame. Try to let her gain responsibility and eliminate judgment - Buy limited snacks for the week, let her know she can eat them whenever she wants, but if she eats them all the first night there won’t be any more until next week. If she’s still hungry, have fruit or carrot sticks available.

[Anonymous]

We no longer have cookies, chips, or candy. No one binges apples and yogurt. I still think DD’s doctor is going to be alarmed at her lack of progress because this girl must be swapping at school.

[Anonymous]

I did this at that age. Unfortunately I never grew out of it, and still do it as a 40 year old. I’m not overweight and my binges don’t catch up to me because I’m active, but it’s definitely an eating disorder. It started when I was a 10 or 11 and my parents separated and my mom sort of gave up and I had to be responsible for a lot of stuff. There was never enough packable food for me to make a hearty lunch, and I was starving after school and would eat whatever the quickest, easiest food was. My mom often restricted anything snackable because of her own weight struggles so I would sometimes eat a huge stack of plain slices of bread or undercooked plain pasta that is microwave in a mug because I wasn’t allowed to use the stove. I had an underweight sibling who was always being pushed to eat more, and nothing was said to me, so I think I internalized it as a message about me weighing too much. I definitely snacked in secret in the hopes of also being perceived as being “cute” and “tiny” when I didn’t ask for seconds at actual meals. Then I had some social failures in middle school, so eating lunch alone and in secret (in the bathroom or library) escalated my already weird eating habits.

I tell you all of this, OP, bc I think that there is probably more than one reason for this and they all feed each other so it’s tough to unwind. I wish someone had noticed my distress and how it expresses itself. You are a good mother for noticing and caring and trying to help.

[Anonymous]

OP- with her diagnoses, both the sneaking and lying are related, impulsive behavior. My DS does the same thing with screen time- sneaks the video games, then lies about it, then gets caught/apologizes, rinse repeat.

In our case we lock down the computers so there is no opportunity to sneak, and dole out the screen time after it's earned with respectful behavior and finishing homework/chores. DS is slowing reaching the conclusion that earned screen time that he can enjoy out in the open is better than sneaking and lying.

With snacks, you need to keep only healthy food in the house and let your DD eat what she wants to. If she wants snacks, keep cut veggies, fruit, wheat crackers, etc. The more you control it, the more you will contribute to this compulsive cops and robbers thing you have going.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I think you are a bit over controlling with the snacks. My kids are younger and have generally free access to the snacks BUT when the snacks are gone, they are gone. So- only apples, clementines, string cheese etc to take for snacks until I go to the store again. If I’d bought enough for a week then they aren’t relaxed until next week as planned. They’ve learned, for the most part.