how can I stop being mean to my 13 year old?

[Anonymous]

My teenager is awful. Just awful. She has taken to having a wretched attitude with me and her father. I get it I get it -- you're meanest to the ones you love and trust.

Problem is I find it hard to fight back getting upset. And when she's really pushing my buttons I find myself being mean to her. I know it's wrong but her disrespect, lying, today's realization that she ran up a $101 lunch food bill with her pin even though we send lunch every day because she didn't like what we packed -- and we don't have the $101 to pay it -- I am done.

Can you please help me with a mantra or something to help me not lash out?

We are seeing a therapist together and separately and are all on SSRI meds. But I am seriously wondering if she would be better off at boarding school because it's growing to a place where I just don't even want to be around her anymore. I am just that fed up with her. It's not fair to her and maybe the separation would be what's best.

[Anonymous]

What consequences do you give her when she does something like run up a $101 lunch bill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What consequences do you give her when she does something like run up a $101 lunch bill?

She already doesn't have a cellphone. She doesn't seem to care when she loses anything. I'm not sure what the consequences can really be? We told her her chore money would go to paying it off but she's so deeply in debt from all the other things like taking my debit card to cvs and buying things, going through my wallet and taking $5 and lying about it, taking the case off her kindle and taking it to school without permission and dropping the screen so we told her she had to pay to get it fixed and wouldn't be able to use it again...

Open to other suggestions because she doesn't have screens and she's already doing chores without pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What consequences do you give her when she does something like run up a $101 lunch bill?

She already doesn't have a cellphone. She doesn't seem to care when she loses anything. I'm not sure what the consequences can really be? We told her her chore money would go to paying it off but she's so deeply in debt from all the other things like taking my debit card to cvs and buying things, going through my wallet and taking $5 and lying about it, taking the case off her kindle and taking it to school without permission and dropping the screen so we told her she had to pay to get it fixed and wouldn't be able to use it again...

Open to other suggestions because she doesn't have screens and she's already doing chores without pay.

I’m sorry OP. There is a lot to unpack here. The stealing is beyond typical bad teen behavior. What has the therapist said about consequences and general behavior management? Has your daughter been diagnosed with ODD?

[Anonymous]

I've got teeangers, including 2 (and a DH) with ADHD. The emotional dysregulation and reactivity you and your DD are experiencing are probably rooted in the same issues and, in her case, are exacerbated by teenage hormones. None of these are excuses, they are explanations. As the adult, you need to be more aware and in control of your emotions. It appears you demonstrate some of the same behaviors you find, rightly, unacceptable in her.

How long have you been in counseling? Do you think it's helping? One of the foundational principles is that you never want a kid to feel they have nothing left to lose. It appears you have punished your DD to that point - she's got no cell phone, no ability to keep money she's earned, etc. Are you doing anything to incentive her for the behaviors you want?

Did you ever take a positive discipline class? I find my teenagers very similar to toddlers in terms of their emotionality and irrationality. I use many of the same techniques now that I did when they were toddlers.

Finally, I suggest you get "Yes, Your Teen IS Crazy". There's a lot of good information in it (but I had to get through the fluff first). However, it all starts with you being in control of yourself. Stop taking things personally and stop trying to make/control your teen. You can't. Hugs.

https://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Teen-Crazy-Without/dp/0936197447

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What consequences do you give her when she does something like run up a $101 lunch bill?

She already doesn't have a cellphone. She doesn't seem to care when she loses anything. I'm not sure what the consequences can really be? We told her her chore money would go to paying it off but she's so deeply in debt from all the other things like taking my debit card to cvs and buying things, going through my wallet and taking $5 and lying about it, taking the case off her kindle and taking it to school without permission and dropping the screen so we told her she had to pay to get it fixed and wouldn't be able to use it again...

Open to other suggestions because she doesn't have screens and she's already doing chores without pay.

Time for some therapy. This is not normal. How did she run up a lunch bill like that? Can't you put money on her account and have it deducted? Once my son runs out of the $50/month I put on his debit card, he has to pack a lunch. If he doesn't, he is hungry.

[Anonymous]

OP boarding school may not be such a bad idea but I cannot believe you can't afford a $101 food bill if you can afford the $60k it costs to board.

You need to stop yourself before you even start being mean, if you want any hope of a future relationship with your child.

Its not personal, her behavior, its normal and its a search for independence. Let more go and it will be easier for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP boarding school may not be such a bad idea but I cannot believe you can't afford a $101 food bill if you can afford the $60k it costs to board.

You need to stop yourself before you even start being mean, if you want any hope of a future relationship with your child.

Its not personal, her behavior, its normal and its a search for independence. Let more go and it will be easier for everyone.

No. Stealing is most definitely not normal, especially not at 13. And stealing - and using - her mother’s debit card is illegal. There is something serious going on here and trying to portray this child’s issues as normal gaslights the OP’s concerns and most importantly doesn’t get her child the help that she so clearly needs.

[Anonymous]

OP how often are the therapy appointments?

[Anonymous]

I forced myself to focus on the longer game. Every time I got more upset than I intended it undermined my own parenting goals. That's what I noticed and that is why I worked on changing my own behavior.

"I am the grownup, I am the grown up. When his language is irrational or mean, it reflects his own feelings of inadequacy, so I should respond to his need for love and validation and ignore the crap coming out of his mouth"

[Anonymous]

+1 that this doesn’t sound normal at all. I’d be upset too.

I would go to several therapists ASAP to find a good one. There’s obviously something going on. Better resolve it now before drugs, pregnancy, criminal record.

[Anonymous]

You posted here looking for help. You stated your 13 year old is stealing from you. Clearly there is more going on here than normal teenage behavior.

How about a new Therapist? This one is not working or possibly not good for whole family to be seeing same person.

As for boarding school. How will you pay? You clearly stated that a $101 for lunch is a bill you can not afford to pay.

Obviously she is getting tons of negative attention. Lunch is simple she's 13 why can't she go to the grocery store with you make a lunch plan for the week and she make her own lunches?

13 year old girls are hard. Hormones, middle school etc all difficult. Given what you posted there are more underlying issues that need to be addressed. Taking away screen time and chore money is not going to make a dent. You are just making it harder on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Do the opposite of what you normally do. Don't threaten, yell scream, etc. Hug, be understanding, etc. No this reaction won't solve your problem but it will stop you from a negative cycle of behavior this one time to give yourself a reprieve if only for a short while.

On the lying, I have read the advice of don't put your child in the position that they have to lie meaning if you know they stole money from your purse don't ask "did you steal money from my purse?" You both already know the answer and your child is going to lie anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP boarding school may not be such a bad idea but I cannot believe you can't afford a $101 food bill if you can afford the $60k it costs to board.

You need to stop yourself before you even start being mean, if you want any hope of a future relationship with your child.

Its not personal, her behavior, its normal and its a search for independence. Let more go and it will be easier for everyone.

I was just about to say the same thing. Boarding school costs $$$$.
I'm sorry, OP, this situation must be tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP boarding school may not be such a bad idea but I cannot believe you can't afford a $101 food bill if you can afford the $60k it costs to board.

You need to stop yourself before you even start being mean, if you want any hope of a future relationship with your child.

Its not personal, her behavior, its normal and its a search for independence. Let more go and it will be easier for everyone.

No. Stealing is most definitely not normal, especially not at 13. And stealing - and using - her mother’s debit card is illegal. There is something serious going on here and trying to portray this child’s issues as normal gaslights the OP’s concerns and most importantly doesn’t get her child the help that she so clearly needs.

Fuxk you that is not the right term to be throwing around here. I am not an emotional abuser and you are clearly a bit of an idiot.. I think this kid is seeking attention and that, however it manifests itself is 100% NORMAL.

Wow. Re-read your post. And get meds. Seriously. Your extreme anger here just screams how unstable you are, and that you are in no position to give advice.

And btw, check out a dictionary. You are 100% gaslighting the OP.