How to decide how strict/lenient to be?

[Anonymous]

My oldest is 11/in 6th grade. When she was younger I do not think I was strict - pretty middle of the road. But in the last year or so it seems many/most of her friends parents have moved to an “anything goes” model. This is not just my tween telling me this, I’ve heard/observed it myself. They all have phones, but her 11 yo friends can download any apps they want, watch anything they want and seem to have little to no restrictions on screen time. Based on the hours of the day/night these kids text, they are clearly not giving up the phones at bedtime, if they even have a bedtime.

This has caused a lot of tension with my teen and I. She is a good kid and I want to be reasonable but am not comfortable with the lack of structure these friends have. I’ve twice now caught my child sneaking electronics in her room past bedtime.

How do I maintain a good relationship with her, giving her some of the independence she craves, while still being true to what’s important to me? (Not too much screentime and age appropriate content.)

[Anonymous]

Rules for the sake of rules will cause conflict and unnecessary drama. I'd encourage you to think about what kinds of values you're trying to develop in your family and in your children. Rules should flow from that and support values and goals for the child and for the family. That will give you a credible framework to speak from when setting rules and enforcing them. For example, you don't want electronics in the room past bedtime because good sleep habits are healthy for everyone. (You may need to forego electronics in your room to set the example here.) You want limits on screen time because it is important to truly be present for each other when in the house, and to model what it looks like to be present to friends in a real way and not always mediated through a screen. Again, if there are limits, it usually works better if they apply to the whole family.

[Anonymous]

I've told my 12 year old son, more than once:
I'm not everyone else's mom. I'm your mom, and my job is to set the rules I think are right for you.

In other words, I do not care what the other kids are doing. We have a good relationship, even though I hear, "It's NOT fair."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rules for the sake of rules will cause conflict and unnecessary drama. I'd encourage you to think about what kinds of values you're trying to develop in your family and in your children. Rules should flow from that and support values and goals for the child and for the family. That will give you a credible framework to speak from when setting rules and enforcing them. For example, you don't want electronics in the room past bedtime because good sleep habits are healthy for everyone. (You may need to forego electronics in your room to set the example here.) You want limits on screen time because it is important to truly be present for each other when in the house, and to model what it looks like to be present to friends in a real way and not always mediated through a screen. Again, if there are limits, it usually works better if they apply to the whole family.

I do not think rules/limits need to apply to the whole family. For example, it's fine for different people to have different bedtimes. My oldest has a phone, the youngest does not. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rules for the sake of rules will cause conflict and unnecessary drama. I'd encourage you to think about what kinds of values you're trying to develop in your family and in your children. Rules should flow from that and support values and goals for the child and for the family. That will give you a credible framework to speak from when setting rules and enforcing them. For example, you don't want electronics in the room past bedtime because good sleep habits are healthy for everyone. (You may need to forego electronics in your room to set the example here.) You want limits on screen time because it is important to truly be present for each other when in the house, and to model what it looks like to be present to friends in a real way and not always mediated through a screen. Again, if there are limits, it usually works better if they apply to the whole family.

The bolded has been an important thing for me to remember. I found myself wanting to seriously limit screen time for no other reason than to limit it, and be able to say I did. Then I thought it through...my kids get enough sleep (most of the time), finish their homework on time without any prodding from me, maintain good grades, stay physically active, and participate in school activities. The older one even has a part time job. If they want to spend their down time outside of those things watching videos or playing games within certain parameters (we do monitor any apps downloaded and limit social media, no electronics at the table, wifi cuts off at 9:30PM and they have extremely limited data plans), is that really the worst thing? Turns out that, in our household at least, it's not...things are a lot more pleasant around here since we switched to that model and the kids are still thriving. I don't agree with limits applying to the whole family, though. My kids currently do have the same limits based on their ages, but things were absolutely different when one was in HS with a phone and the other was in ES without a phone, for example.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Most of the tension lately involves desire for social media. That is a hard no from me and she will not accept it.

[Anonymous]

From 6th grade on, much of a girls social status revolves around social media. Sad but true. You can forbid it, but it really will hold her back socially and she will resent you for it. I hate that this is the world we’re living in, but it is, and it’s not changing anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

My dd is the same age. She has a phone, but no social media. Her phone is quite restricted, too, just calls. It’s not “rules just because I said so”, my spouse and I have talked over what we value and find an important use of time at this age. We will change the rules as our kids get older. I do not feel bad being strict. My kids are thriving, too. There will be plenty of time I. The future for them to be addicted to their phones, no need to allow it now because they need to learn to manage it someday. By that logic, we should let 6 year olds have phoebe and social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Most of the tension lately involves desire for social media. That is a hard no from me and she will not accept it.

I have a mildly inappropriate crush on Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles, and therefore follow a slew of teenage girls on Instagram. I can assure you that even when their parents take away their phones, they are still maintaining their accounts.

When my DD wanted Facebook, I told her no. When she wanted Instagram, I said yes, but only if she was friends with me on it. We agreed that I can like but not comment, and I wouldn't like until several of her friends liked, so my name wouldn't show up. When I saw she'd set up a second account, I confronted her about it and told her what bothered me about why most kids do it. I do not follow that one, but I check it every so often.

You will not win, on keeping her off social media. Even if her account is on a different friend's phone. So I rather have transparency and discuss the issues that can come up and work with DD to find solutions. She is in 11th grade and still follows certain rules - no phone during meals, no phones a half hour before bed and through the night, etc.

[Anonymous]

No way. All apps have to be approved especially at that age with supervision. If they break the rule, they lose the phone. Simple. I don't care how others parent (or lack there of). You are my child and I'm teaching you how to be a good person and future parent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So the lenient parents don’t have a methodology, they’ve just given up?

My DD is 11. She still watches Disney junior with her sister and complains about needing to bathe, trim her nails and eat vegetables. No I don’t think she’s mature enough for Snapchat or Instagram.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Most of the tension lately involves desire for social media. That is a hard no from me and she will not accept it.

I have a mildly inappropriate crush on Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles, and therefore follow a slew of teenage girls on Instagram. I can assure you that even when their parents take away their phones, they are still maintaining their accounts.

When my DD wanted Facebook, I told her no. When she wanted Instagram, I said yes, but only if she was friends with me on it. We agreed that I can like but not comment, and I wouldn't like until several of her friends liked, so my name wouldn't show up. When I saw she'd set up a second account, I confronted her about it and told her what bothered me about why most kids do it. I do not follow that one, but I check it every so often.

You will not win, on keeping her off social media. Even if her account is on a different friend's phone. So I rather have transparency and discuss the issues that can come up and work with DD to find solutions. She is in 11th grade and still follows certain rules - no phone during meals, no phones a half hour before bed and through the night, etc.

How did you find out she'd set up a second account?

[Anonymous]

Its much easier to be strict now and lessen up as they get older than be lenient now and strict later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Most of the tension lately involves desire for social media. That is a hard no from me and she will not accept it.

I have a mildly inappropriate crush on Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles, and therefore follow a slew of teenage girls on Instagram. I can assure you that even when their parents take away their phones, they are still maintaining their accounts.

When my DD wanted Facebook, I told her no. When she wanted Instagram, I said yes, but only if she was friends with me on it. We agreed that I can like but not comment, and I wouldn't like until several of her friends liked, so my name wouldn't show up. When I saw she'd set up a second account, I confronted her about it and told her what bothered me about why most kids do it. I do not follow that one, but I check it every so often.

You will not win, on keeping her off social media. Even if her account is on a different friend's phone. So I rather have transparency and discuss the issues that can come up and work with DD to find solutions. She is in 11th grade and still follows certain rules - no phone during meals, no phones a half hour before bed and through the night, etc.

How did you find out she'd set up a second account?

I follow a bunch of her friends, who follow me back. I did a little poking around. Someone also made a fan account of DD, which I find hilarious (it's a teen girl who just REALLY likes DD's Tik Toks).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So the lenient parents don’t have a methodology, they’ve just given up?

My DD is 11. She still watches Disney junior with her sister and complains about needing to bathe, trim her nails and eat vegetables. No I don’t think she’s mature enough for Snapchat or Instagram.

Yes, they gave up years ago.