How to decide how strict/lenient to be?

[Anonymous]

OP, I keep hearing from my 13 y.o. that I am too strict too (we have to approve the apps, we follow and friend on social media accounts, the off the phone/computer time is 8:30 pm, etc). I just keep explaining that I hate to be controlling and that I would rather not have any electronic devices for minors at my house. If the child prefer that, than I will be less controlling. Otherwise, they have to deal with my rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So the lenient parents don’t have a methodology, they’ve just given up?

My DD is 11. She still watches Disney junior with her sister and complains about needing to bathe, trim her nails and eat vegetables. No I don’t think she’s mature enough for Snapchat or Instagram.

You can forbid social media, and she will still have it without your knowledge, or you can allow it on your own terms and supervise and help her navigate. Up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From 6th grade on, much of a girls social status revolves around social media. Sad but true. You can forbid it, but it really will hold her back socially and she will resent you for it. I hate that this is the world we’re living in, but it is, and it’s not changing anytime soon.

I hate this excuse, it always comes up on these threads. If more parents would stick to their guns and not just fall for the "everyone else is doing it" or "but my daughter will be unpopular!" when it comes to social media, maybe it WOULD change.

[Anonymous]

I think birth order is really important. I have found that kids who are later in the birth order have parents who are less strict. I don't know if it is fatigue, or the fact that the younger kids are just exposed to things from older siblings or just they figure out which battles they want to fight but it can be hard for a first born to sometimes manage friendships with #4 of 4.

I do think that banning things only make it more appealing and if your child has earned your trust you should let them have privileges that come with that with the understanding that the privilege can be revoked if they abuse it. What's the point of being good if you never get anything for it?

Also did you never sneak the phone into your room to talk with a friend on a school night when you were young?

[Anonymous]

We allow Instagram for our tween daughter. I have her password and follow her. In some ways it’s turned into a weird bonding experience- she often shows me something silly a friend has posted and we laugh together. It has also had the added benefit of being a nice way for her to keep in touch with friends who have moved away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From 6th grade on, much of a girls social status revolves around social media. Sad but true. You can forbid it, but it really will hold her back socially and she will resent you for it. I hate that this is the world we’re living in, but it is, and it’s not changing anytime soon.

I hate this excuse, it always comes up on these threads. If more parents would stick to their guns and not just fall for the "everyone else is doing it" or "but my daughter will be unpopular!" when it comes to social media, maybe it WOULD change.

That's really funny! It's not going to change, at least not through parental rules. Like it always does, it will evolve to something else.

[Anonymous]

I'm fairly lenient (trying to create independent teens here) but I did not give up.

My rules have been

I approve and friend you on social media

yes to facebook and instagram first - no to snaptchat until proven ok

I read texts, have access to your phone (although I truthfully don't check that much - only sporadically and more when needed)

Phone plugged in downstairs at night, no phone at dinner, no phone at family ties.

(senior in high school is no longer subject to these rules- not my problem anymore and he has proven trustworthy).

I trust but verify.