Help me troubleshoot this issue with my son...

[Anonymous]

DS (10) and I generally have a great relationship. We talk often and he shares a lot with me. When he has a success, he's excited to share with me first. When he has a problem, he comes to me and not his dad. However, he also can be so emotional with me in a way that he never is with my husband.

For example, whenever DH takes him to school, he is absolutely fine. No drama. Anytime I take him to school, he complains the entire time about some school issue and half the time is almost in tears by the time we get there. I'm not bringing up hard topics or asking him questions. I have honestly stopped engaging him on even positive/fun topics on the ride in, because he somehow turns it into a negative. I know mornings are hard, but I don't get why he is so different with each of us.

It is similar at other times - no drama for dad, but so so much for me. Is that just him blowing off steam when he feels most comfortable? I am just trying to figure out what role I play in this. I do want him to share and be comfortable, but maybe I'm babying him in some way where he acts so different in engaging with both his parents? I don't think I do, but it must be something, since he can act like a big kid and does regularly with his dad. Anyone have similar dynamics and can help? TIA.

[Anonymous]

He sees you as safe. I am in the same position.

I think you two need to have a talk about deescalating the school ride so the day starts well, but other than that, this is your family's division of labor.

[Anonymous]

This is a hard one... because unless you have a camera in dads car, there’s no way of really knowing what that commute is like.

Also I’d venture to say that older kids tend to tear up when they feel dismissed or berated or humiliated in some way

If he truly initiates the conversation , are you at some point humiliating him eventhough you don’t intend to?

[Anonymous]

You're the person he feels he can talk to and let his emotions out, so that's what he does. I would not be eager to shut him down. It's good that he shares with you. Is it just the timing that bothers you or the whole interaction? If it's the timing, can you say something along the lines that you understand he wants to talk about x, and you want to listen to what he is saying about x, too, but let's talk after school when I'm not driving so I can really pay attention to what you are saying.

[Anonymous]

With older kids , sometimes it’s ok to just listen , ask clarifying questions, and to not give prescriptive advice in the response. Sometimes all they want to hear is something to the extent of “I hear you, and I support your choice to ——“. And the occasional “I love you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sees you as safe. I am in the same position.

I think you two need to have a talk about deescalating the school ride so the day starts well, but other than that, this is your family's division of labor.

This. I'm also the "safe" one. I handle everything emotional and I am somehow in charge of "the talk", which is ongoing. I thought dh could handle that, but my ds is more comfortable discussing things with me. I'm happy he feels he can talk to me, but it can be draining at times.

[Anonymous]

How are you responding to the things he brings up? Listening and validating his feelings but leaving the problem-solving to him? Or solving and fixing? Or trying to minimize his distress by telling him what he's worried about isn't such a big deal?
When a kid just wants to vent, the latter two can work to increase his negative emotions. It's more important for him to feel heard and understood than it is to have "answers." Forgive me if I am off the mark--but I learned this lesson the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sees you as safe. I am in the same position.

I think you two need to have a talk about deescalating the school ride so the day starts well, but other than that, this is your family's division of labor.

Yes, the morning rides bother me the most, because I feel like it starts his day off so badly. I want him to be open and don't want to shut that down; happy to talk at other times. But this seems like the flip side of what I always try not to do, which is bring up negative topics or lecture before sending a kid off to school. Instead, he does it, which still has the same effect for his day, I would think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you responding to the things he brings up? Listening and validating his feelings but leaving the problem-solving to him? Or solving and fixing? Or trying to minimize his distress by telling him what he's worried about isn't such a big deal?
When a kid just wants to vent, the latter two can work to increase his negative emotions. It's more important for him to feel heard and understood than it is to have "answers." Forgive me if I am off the mark--but I learned this lesson the hard way.

OP here (last post too, forgot to ID). Those are good points. I absolutely do not minimize his issues because I remember how that felt. I probably do try to help in problem solving or rather providing some options and maybe I need to do less of that. The ride to school is not long and the issue is really that we don't have time to talk through complicated things then, but he seems to want to and then gets upset. But these things never bubble up with dad. (e.g., band day with me - he was in full-on tears yesterday because he doesn't like the teacher; band day with dad - gets his instrument out of the car and heads to school, no discussion at all).

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering if he’s getting so emotional because he doesn’t know when he will get a chance to talk more with you. If he brings something up on the ride to school, try responding with something like: “So you’re bothered by how Ms. Crabtree doesn’t always explain the assignment. That sounds really frustrating. Let’s make a plan to talk about it tonight and we can come up with some solutions for you to try. In the meantime, just try your best for today. We’ll come back to it tonight.”

[Anonymous]

I think you should ask your son to trouble-shoot this with you.

"Jake, I think it would be nice for you to start your school day happy and in a good mood. What kind of mood do you wish you could start your day with? __________ Okay. What do you think we could do to help you achieve your goal?"

Maybe that means driving with all the windows down, or blasting his favorite song (that you hate) or letting him bring his secret stuffed bunny in the car to hold on the way to school. Ask him.

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old son is the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask your son to trouble-shoot this with you.

"Jake, I think it would be nice for you to start your school day happy and in a good mood. What kind of mood do you wish you could start your day with? __________ Okay. What do you think we could do to help you achieve your goal?"

Maybe that means driving with all the windows down, or blasting his favorite song (that you hate) or letting him bring his secret stuffed bunny in the car to hold on the way to school. Ask him.

Good idea. You could also try to talk to him at night, maybe walk the dog together or lie down on his bed in the dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if he’s getting so emotional because he doesn’t know when he will get a chance to talk more with you. If he brings something up on the ride to school, try responding with something like: “So you’re bothered by how Ms. Crabtree doesn’t always explain the assignment. That sounds really frustrating. Let’s make a plan to talk about it tonight and we can come up with some solutions for you to try. In the meantime, just try your best for today. We’ll come back to it tonight.”

I wonder if the stress of the morning routine is also making his emotions more raw. Maybe brainstorm with him about how to make the ride calmer so that he can have a nice start to the day. Classical music, waking up 10 minutes earlier, a little meditation exercise etc. Also make sure you're not giving him tooo much attention to his negativitiess and feeding any tendency he might have to dwell or ruminate on negativity. After acknowledging his feelings maybe you ask him if he wants help brainstorming a solution or not. If not, have him pick another topic to discuss or exchange jokes or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sees you as safe. I am in the same position.

I think you two need to have a talk about deescalating the school ride so the day starts well, but other than that, this is your family's division of labor.

Yes, the morning rides bother me the most, because I feel like it starts his day off so badly. I want him to be open and don't want to shut that down; happy to talk at other times. But this seems like the flip side of what I always try not to do, which is bring up negative topics or lecture before sending a kid off to school. Instead, he does it, which still has the same effect for his day, I would think.

Hi OP - I'm the PP.

If you bring this up one evening when things are calm and homework is done and simply say "Our school rides are leaving you upset, which is a hard way to start the day and not my intent. I hate starting to talk about something serious and then have to cut you off when we pull in to the kiss and drop. You know I don't want to shut you down when you bring up important or tough topics, but I wonder if we can come up with some ideas to keep the mornings easier without making you feel like I don't care."

In our family, we'd banned talk of school in the car. We stuck to politics, believe it or not.