How to be a good wife?

[Anonymous]

I am not kidding. I just got married and I am realizing I suck at the wife thing as I am naturally selfish and it is hard for me to put others first. My husband is a lovely and considerate man. What kinds of things does he expect of me?

[Anonymous]

Don't become DCUM women. Get off DCUM. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Don't use your teeth. We hate that.

[Anonymous]

https://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620

[Anonymous]

You have a great example in your husband. Model his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Read Dr. Laura.

[Anonymous]

1. Don’t nag
2. Be nice to him. Treat him like a friend.
3. Ask what he wants from you.

You didn’t become his wife by following others advice, so keep doing what’s good and works for you two.

And yes, stay off of DCUM lots of jaded and heavily biased people post here.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if he married you maybe he's fine with the way you are. My sister can be a selfish B. She has the type of husband who likes catering to that personality. I don't get it, I could never be married to either of them. But their marriage works.


Does your husband view you as selfish?

[Anonymous]

Full stomach
Empty balls

We're not that complicated

[Anonymous]

You can't go far wrong being good at sex. If you've got that squared away, you'll have a lot of room for error in other areas.

[Anonymous]

Compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not kidding. I just got married and I am realizing I suck at the wife thing as I am naturally selfish and it is hard for me to put others first. My husband is a lovely and considerate man. What kinds of things does he expect of me?

Was this an arranged marriage? For most people I know, these things usually got worked out while dating, before deciding to marry.

[Anonymous]

Ok, here's an easy one.

You and your husband ARE A TEAM. When one wins, you both win. When one loses, you both lose. One of your biggest jobs as teammate is to help your teammate be the best DH he can be. This means you want him to succeed at work and life, and have standards for him, but you are positive and supportive and interact in way designed to build confidence and foster personal growth. You expect him to do the same for you, and you expect that he will also have standards for you, while treating you fairly.

I see all these posts where women are like "blah blah blah DH is such a man baby and can't do X, Y, Z." I don't understand it at all. First of all, I can do all those things, I don't know who can hold down a professional job and can't but I guess I'll take your word for it because I see it posted so much. But, second of all, why on earth would you marry a loser who can't accomplish these basic tasks? What did you even see in him to begin with and what does that say about you? Third of all, what does it say about you that you treat him and talk about him like that and what does it say about him that he puts up with it? Fourth of all, have you ever tried strategically to change the dynamic by encouraging positive behavior and trying to build your husband's confidence and competence, instead of actually tearing it down and making things worse but feeling good in the process?

I think a lot of what goes on is the DW will say "honey can you load the dishwasher" and then the DH will do it and then the DW will come over and find five things wrong with the way it was loaded (whether that's right or not, who knows) and then the DH will just think "screw that" and won't load the dishwasher the next time. Meanwhile, those same DW's would be mortally offended if anyone ever told them THEY were loading the dishwasher wrong. So this "not taking responsibility" of the DH is in part a learned behavior based on not wanting to put up with someone's repellent personality. It's a vicious cycle, because women with these repellent personality types typically only attract losers, and losers are typically the only ones that will put up with them. So it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you are a type-A feminist that thinks of males as incompetent losers to be bossed around, that's exactly the man you are going to get and the only one you will get. That does not at all mean that all (or most) men are like that. Just that the the ones who are competent learned long ago to stay away from women like this.

Mercifully DW and I have a great relationship and if anything one of my flaws is that I am too Type A and neurotic, so I am just posting based on dynamics I have seen with friends and on this board.

[Anonymous]

It would be great if you made a pile of money. Seriously, we're OK with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ok, here's an easy one.

You and your husband ARE A TEAM. When one wins, you both win. When one loses, you both lose. One of your biggest jobs as teammate is to help your teammate be the best DH he can be. This means you want him to succeed at work and life, and have standards for him, but you are positive and supportive and interact in way designed to build confidence and foster personal growth. You expect him to do the same for you, and you expect that he will also have standards for you, while treating you fairly.

I see all these posts where women are like "blah blah blah DH is such a man baby and can't do X, Y, Z." I don't understand it at all. First of all, I can do all those things, I don't know who can hold down a professional job and can't but I guess I'll take your word for it because I see it posted so much. But, second of all, why on earth would you marry a loser who can't accomplish these basic tasks? What did you even see in him to begin with and what does that say about you? Third of all, what does it say about you that you treat him and talk about him like that and what does it say about him that he puts up with it? Fourth of all, have you ever tried strategically to change the dynamic by encouraging positive behavior and trying to build your husband's confidence and competence, instead of actually tearing it down and making things worse but feeling good in the process?

I think a lot of what goes on is the DW will say "honey can you load the dishwasher" and then the DH will do it and then the DW will come over and find five things wrong with the way it was loaded (whether that's right or not, who knows) and then the DH will just think "screw that" and won't load the dishwasher the next time. Meanwhile, those same DW's would be mortally offended if anyone ever told them THEY were loading the dishwasher wrong. So this "not taking responsibility" of the DH is in part a learned behavior based on not wanting to put up with someone's repellent personality. It's a vicious cycle, because women with these repellent personality types typically only attract losers, and losers are typically the only ones that will put up with them. So it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you are a type-A feminist that thinks of males as incompetent losers to be bossed around, that's exactly the man you are going to get and the only one you will get. That does not at all mean that all (or most) men are like that. Just that the the ones who are competent learned long ago to stay away from women like this.

Mercifully DW and I have a great relationship and if anything one of my flaws is that I am too Type A and neurotic, so I am just posting based on dynamics I have seen with friends and on this board.

Going to slightly elaborate so it's clear what I am getting at.

DH: Please load dishwasher
DW: *Loads dishwasher*
DH: OMG, you idiot, you loaded the cups the wrong way. (note overreaction and rude tone).
DW: *Gets offended, looks hurt*
**FIGHT where DW gets mad at DH and DH has to soothe DW and calm her down and compliment her bruised ego**
Next time cups are loaded correctly.

DW: Please load dishwasher
DH: *Loads dishwasher*
DW: OMG, you idiot, you loaded the cups the wrong way. (note overreaction and rude tone).
DH: *Acts nonchalant, pretends is not offended or hurt* Ok, fine. *Fixes cups*
Next time DH does not load dishwasher.

In both circumstances we have rudeness and communication issues. In both circumstances, the problem could be solved by simply being more polite and supportive. (Thank you for loading the dishes -- say, I usually do the cups this way. *Fix it yourself and show partner* Do you want to go watch some TV now?)

But in the first scenario the DW flushes the issue out up front by creating drama and demanding her hurt feelings will be soothed. DH typically WILL NOT DO THAT. But their feelings will be hurt just the same. They will just disengage.

Then the DWs come on this site ranting about how they are always the ones unloading the dishwasher and never put two and two together.