How to be a good wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not kidding. I just got married and I am realizing I suck at the wife thing as I am naturally selfish and it is hard for me to put others first. My husband is a lovely and considerate man. What kinds of things does he expect of me?

Get that selfish thing in check before you have kids. Never be selfish with sex. Just need to rock his world in the bedroom, selflessly. The rest will follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not kidding. I just got married and I am realizing I suck at the wife thing as I am naturally selfish and it is hard for me to put others first. My husband is a lovely and considerate man. What kinds of things does he expect of me?

He expects you to be the naturally selfish woman he married BUT he’d like you take his thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs into consideration sometimes.
He expects you to be the naturally selfish woman he married BUT he’d like you to be selfless once in a while and let him have a say, let him have some support, let him be the center of importance in your life periodically so he doesn’t feel like he’s being neglected or taken for granted.

[Anonymous]

Op, take out your choice of the word, "wife" and instead insert "spouse".

Your word choice is revealing a less than modern mindset. That is only going to harm your journey, your future together.

[Anonymous]

It’s an unpopular opinion, but yes, read Dr. Laura. Also, men really aren’t complicated. As someone else mentioned, food and sex. But the book changed my marriage. Men are easy.

[Anonymous]

He expects or hopes that you will be like him. Either follow his lead or he will eventually leave you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Don’t nag
2. Be nice to him. Treat him like a friend.
3. Ask what he wants from you.

You didn’t become his wife by following others advice, so keep doing what’s good and works for you two.

And yes, stay off of DCUM lots of jaded and heavily biased people post here.

Don’t treat me (DH) like a friend, don’t do that. I could have a million females friends. I don’t want that, I want a wife that is why I got married, because I wanted a WIFE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ok, here's an easy one.

You and your husband ARE A TEAM. When one wins, you both win. When one loses, you both lose. One of your biggest jobs as teammate is to help your teammate be the best DH he can be. This means you want him to succeed at work and life, and have standards for him, but you are positive and supportive and interact in way designed to build confidence and foster personal growth. You expect him to do the same for you, and you expect that he will also have standards for you, while treating you fairly.

I see all these posts where women are like "blah blah blah DH is such a man baby and can't do X, Y, Z." I don't understand it at all. First of all, I can do all those things, I don't know who can hold down a professional job and can't but I guess I'll take your word for it because I see it posted so much. But, second of all, why on earth would you marry a loser who can't accomplish these basic tasks? What did you even see in him to begin with and what does that say about you? Third of all, what does it say about you that you treat him and talk about him like that and what does it say about him that he puts up with it? Fourth of all, have you ever tried strategically to change the dynamic by encouraging positive behavior and trying to build your husband's confidence and competence, instead of actually tearing it down and making things worse but feeling good in the process?

I think a lot of what goes on is the DW will say "honey can you load the dishwasher" and then the DH will do it and then the DW will come over and find five things wrong with the way it was loaded (whether that's right or not, who knows) and then the DH will just think "screw that" and won't load the dishwasher the next time. Meanwhile, those same DW's would be mortally offended if anyone ever told them THEY were loading the dishwasher wrong. So this "not taking responsibility" of the DH is in part a learned behavior based on not wanting to put up with someone's repellent personality. It's a vicious cycle, because women with these repellent personality types typically only attract losers, and losers are typically the only ones that will put up with them. So it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you are a type-A feminist that thinks of males as incompetent losers to be bossed around, that's exactly the man you are going to get and the only one you will get. That does not at all mean that all (or most) men are like that. Just that the the ones who are competent learned long ago to stay away from women like this.

Mercifully DW and I have a great relationship and if anything one of my flaws is that I am too Type A and neurotic, so I am just posting based on dynamics I have seen with friends and on this board.

Going to slightly elaborate so it's clear what I am getting at.

DH: Please load dishwasher
DW: *Loads dishwasher*
DH: OMG, you idiot, you loaded the cups the wrong way. (note overreaction and rude tone).
DW: *Gets offended, looks hurt*
**FIGHT where DW gets mad at DH and DH has to soothe DW and calm her down and compliment her bruised ego**
Next time cups are loaded correctly.

DW: Please load dishwasher
DH: *Loads dishwasher*
DW: OMG, you idiot, you loaded the cups the wrong way. (note overreaction and rude tone).
DH: *Acts nonchalant, pretends is not offended or hurt* Ok, fine. *Fixes cups*
Next time DH does not load dishwasher.

In both circumstances we have rudeness and communication issues. In both circumstances, the problem could be solved by simply being more polite and supportive. (Thank you for loading the dishes -- say, I usually do the cups this way. *Fix it yourself and show partner* Do you want to go watch some TV now?)

But in the first scenario the DW flushes the issue out up front by creating drama and demanding her hurt feelings will be soothed. DH typically WILL NOT DO THAT. But their feelings will be hurt just the same. They will just disengage.

Then the DWs come on this site ranting about how they are always the ones unloading the dishwasher and never put two and two together.

Haha! Perfection

[Anonymous]

Initiate BJs frequently-don't make him ask
Have his back
Don't talk so much
Cook his favorite foods once in a while
Don't be predictable
Don't put on weight or let yourself go

It's pretty simple really

[Anonymous]

Blow
Job
Daily

[Anonymous]

I agree to use the word spouse, instead of wife. I am the wife, happily married 30 years. It's my DH that rearranges the dishwasher after I load it. I don't let it bother me any more. Hardly a fatal flaw. He is a tad OCD and likes to tidy.

So OP I think besides sex and money -- it's important to be nice to each other and help each other as much as possible. Communication and compromise are cornerstones of a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Initiate BJs frequently-don't make him ask
Have his back
Don't talk so much
Cook his favorite foods once in a while
Don't be predictable
Don't put on weight or let yourself go

It's pretty simple really

Got it. So simple. Thanks.

Now I realize how so many women focus on the lower important things like cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, socializing, and mental load of all of those items. As long as men take care of those items in the marriage, your list is good to go.

[Anonymous]

Communicate your feelings clearly to him. Ask him what he like you to do in and out of bed. Do those that are within your comfort zone. He won’t believe his luck and will worship you forever. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, take out your choice of the word, "wife" and instead insert "spouse".

Your word choice is revealing a less than modern mindset. That is only going to harm your journey, your future together.

Since when is “wife” not synonymous with “spouse”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s an unpopular opinion, but yes, read Dr. Laura. Also, men really aren’t complicated. As someone else mentioned, food and sex. But the book changed my marriage. Men are easy.

This stuff always makes me feel so terrible. Mine doesn't give a rats ass about either food or sex. If I can't meet an incredibly high level of constant emotional needs both food and sex aren't even on the table.

People are different OP. Hopefully at this stage you have figured out your balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, take out your choice of the word, "wife" and instead insert "spouse".

Your word choice is revealing a less than modern mindset. That is only going to harm your journey, your future together.

Viewing yourself as a wife to your husband is not going to harm your future together.