Dealing with an anxious spouse

[Anonymous]

My spouse has extreme anxiety, both in general and in regard to our marriage. It’s now gotten to the point where we have “relationship talks” multiple times a day. It’s stressing me TF out and now I just avoid spouse because I’m so tired of hearing how I fall short, which of course leads to....more talks. I’m starting to have trouble controlling my own anxiety around this and am falling into depression. I’ve never cheated or done anything that warrants this.

How on earth do I get this to stop?

[Anonymous]

By encouraging your husband to talk to a professional therapist and hopefully getting on some anti-anxiety meds.

There is only so much that you can do for him.

[Anonymous]

I love you more than anything. And I’m not going to live like this. It’s unhealthy. Either you get an appointment to a psychiatrist today to deal with this anxiety or I’m gone. Here are the names of 3 doctors. Pick one.”

[Anonymous]

Get him CBT therapy and medication. Take care your yourself too because you can "catch" it

[Anonymous]

As someone who suffers from anxiety, can I just tell you how much it sucks. If it's truly anxiety and not just old fashion insecurity, then think of it as a medical issue. If your spouse were sick, would you withdraw and let them fend for themselve? Anxiety is no different. Be there for your spouse, be understanding, and reassuring. Get your spouse professional help and have empathy, don't withdrawal, your spouse needs your support. On he other hand, if your spouse is just insecure, tell him/her to back the eff off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love you more than anything. And I’m not going to live like this. It’s unhealthy. Either you get an appointment to a psychiatrist today to deal with this anxiety or I’m gone. Here are the names of 3 doctors. Pick one.”

Don’t threaten someone with relationships anxiety with leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love you more than anything. And I’m not going to live like this. It’s unhealthy. Either you get an appointment to a psychiatrist today to deal with this anxiety or I’m gone. Here are the names of 3 doctors. Pick one.”

Don’t threaten someone with relationships anxiety with leaving

Well, don't start there, obviously. But if they dig in their heels and absolutely refuse to get help, and it's tanking the OP's mental health, then something has to change. Sometimes people need to hear that there is a limit.

My ex-husband had anxiety and depression and threatened suicide. He'd leave and be gone all night, and he was extraordinarily verbally abusive. I was feeling myself start to get suicidal, and I so I restarted therapy (but he refused to go and refused to hear anything about how to potentially make it better). I told him flat out that I could not survive like this, but when I finally left, he was flat out astonished. He also got into therapy again shortly after that and is fully functional now, years later -- holding a job, enjoying life -- but he burned out any potential to stay with me.

I think if I had been more clear sooner, maybe the change could have happened while we were still together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who suffers from anxiety, can I just tell you how much it sucks. If it's truly anxiety and not just old fashion insecurity, then think of it as a medical issue. If your spouse were sick, would you withdraw and let them fend for themselve? Anxiety is no different. Be there for your spouse, be understanding, and reassuring. Get your spouse professional help and have empathy, don't withdrawal, your spouse needs your support. On he other hand, if your spouse is just insecure, tell him/her to back the eff off.

People who have extreme anxiety cannot think of anyone else's needs except their own, which this post demonstrates perfectly.

It is not the spouse's responsibility to forgo their own happiness and sanity because their spouse refuses help. She has every right to withdraw if he doesn't get help, just as she would have every right to withdraw if he had a medical condition (to use your example) and was refusing treatment.

He can decide not to get help and she can decide to divorce him if he doesn't. Why should his rights usurp hers? He has the power to actually do something about it!

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been the spouse in your situation. Anxiety is crippling and hard to fully understand when you are in the midst of things. For me things changed after DH set a firm limit and said he would not tolerate me not consistently seeking professional help. I'm so glad he set a limit, and I got help. I am soooooo much better now.

[Anonymous]

Compassionate but firm and realistic limits are a good thing. Marriage isn't an excuse or crutch to avoid addressing problems, especially when you are making things dangerous for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has extreme anxiety, both in general and in regard to our marriage. It’s now gotten to the point where we have “relationship talks” multiple times a day. It’s stressing me TF out and now I just avoid spouse because I’m so tired of hearing how I fall short, which of course leads to....more talks. I’m starting to have trouble controlling my own anxiety around this and am falling into depression. I’ve never cheated or done anything that warrants this.

How on earth do I get this to stop?

First do what you can in your power.
What does “fall short” mean? Try to fix that first, if it’s reasonable like not making messes, not forgetting things, getting organizing, changing your routine up so it’s better for the family.
If it’s unreasonable stuff, then yes this anxiety should be treated. So should both of your communication methods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who suffers from anxiety, can I just tell you how much it sucks. If it's truly anxiety and not just old fashion insecurity, then think of it as a medical issue. If your spouse were sick, would you withdraw and let them fend for themselve? Anxiety is no different. Be there for your spouse, be understanding, and reassuring. Get your spouse professional help and have empathy, don't withdrawal, your spouse needs your support. On he other hand, if your spouse is just insecure, tell him/her to back the eff off.

People who have extreme anxiety cannot think of anyone else's needs except their own, which this post demonstrates perfectly.

It is not the spouse's responsibility to forgo their own happiness and sanity because their spouse refuses help. She has every right to withdraw if he doesn't get help, just as she would have every right to withdraw if he had a medical condition (to use your example) and was refusing treatment.

He can decide not to get help and she can decide to divorce him if he doesn't. Why should his rights usurp hers? He has the power to actually do something about it!

Such a dumb, uninformed statement. Plus OP never said DH refused to get treatment. Obviously if DH doesn't get help, OP can't be expected to unequivocally continue to her support. Of course, there are limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such a dumb, uninformed statement. Plus OP never said DH refused to get treatment. Obviously if DH doesn't get help, OP can't be expected to unequivocally continue to her support. Of course, there are limits.

If it's " extreme anxiety, both in general and in regard to our marriage. It’s now gotten to the point where we have “relationship talks” multiple times a day," then obviously whatever treatment DH is getting is far from enough, and DH needs to address that. It's not sustainable at the current level.

[Anonymous]

I assume that OP is a man since he used "spouse" and didn't say "him" or "her".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume that OP is a man since he used "spouse" and didn't say "him" or "her".

Could go either way, or could be same sex partner.