"So you only have the one child?"

[Anonymous]

Why do people say things like this? I totally realize that it's not meant in a bad way but it is inadvertently painful for those of us who aren't as lucky in the fertility lottery, particularly when asked in a pitying tone by all the upper-middle-class mothers-of-two who seem to inhabit NW DC and the suburbs.

I have one child and had a miscarriage not too long ago; I'm in "advanced maternal age" category so no matter how much I may want to have another, the odds get a little slimmer each month. I'm coping reasonably well with that reality - a whole lot better now then in the immediate aftermath of the miscarriage - but I still really really wish that people would think a bit more before inquiring into questions that involve fertility except with close friends and family. Can anyone recommend a good response? Sometimes I actually tell the truth, thinking that if people realize what the answer might be, they might stop asking this question to others. But if the miscarriage rates are as high as the doctors say, then why don't people realize that they may be talking to someone who just lost a pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

I have no advice - I'm just sorry that people don't think before they speak. I lost a twin a few years back and I'm constantly amazed at how even my close friends make insensitive comments about it.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. People don't always seem to think of how things might come across and don't stop to consider they may be hitting a sensitive spot.

I have three kids and constantly get, "So are you done yet?" As if it's any of their business.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. I know how that feels. There's a great deal of insensitivity around this subject and I think most people who haven't been there have no idea of the higher miscarriage rates among women our age. Perhaps you could simply say "Yes, we have one child right now" and if pressed, say something like, "You know, this is a painful subject for me and I'd rather not talk about it." Unfortunately, there's no real way to keep people from asking.

[Anonymous]

You know, I think I may have asked that question recently myself. It wasn't meant in a sooooo you only have one child. Sometimes at various events i.e. the park or a class, or something at a library, someone has another child at home or with the other spouse etc. and I may be trying to figure out if the person may have other children close the the same age as my children (I keep having this hope of my children saying they knew their BFF since diapers but the only people I know with kids the same age are all boys and my children are getting close to being potty trained). In this case, one of my daughters was in daycare and I took my other daughter to preschool observation/tour and decided to make a day of hanging out with her. Other times, if someone says they have for example a 5 year old, or a child slightly older than my children, I may ask about schools or things to do for that age range or in a mom's group, how did you handle when your daughter/son did X? Now, I will admit, sometimes if the child is 2-3 years olds, I may be wondering if the person is pregnant or planning another - but this is usually not a perfect stranger off the street that I am wondering that about nor will I bust out with such a direct question. Now I do get the question - oh are you going for the boy - because I have two girls. I remember perfect strangers yelling out to my mom when I was 10 or so "maybe the next one is a boy" when she used to walk down the street with my younger sister and I, pregnant with what would be another girl. All the possible reasons aside on the context of the question, people are nosy. When I was pregnant but under 12 weeks and thought I was possibly having a miscarriage I had people trying to figure out if I was pregnant at work and trying to force me "out" so to speak and I thought it was an understood rule you NEVER EVER ask a woman if she is pregnant. But the bottom line is as you said, you are dealing with a very difficult painful situation. Take it at face value for the initial question and say yes and don't expand. If someone follows up with if you plan more, give a very vague answer and stay vague, most people will get the hint if you don't expand on your answer and are vague about any future plans and will not ask a followup question. And the people that press despite vague answers, I doubt this is someone you would want to hang out with and they deserve the direct "this is really sort of personal and not something I want to talk about".

[Anonymous]

I do feel bad and am sorry for your loss. I disagree with a lot of the posters about the best response. There's no need to be so truthful, because the question shouldn't be asked. I'd say something like...

"Well, we're very happy with the one we have. How about those Mets?"

Now they can't gossip about how you are probably infertile, in a sexless marriage, suffering from early menopause or whatever else they might want to chit chat about.

[Anonymous]

ugh.... get this...

I am a single working mother (by choice) with an almost 10 month old daughter. I was standing in line at the grocery store and one lady as to me, "You should give her a rother or sister." ??????? WTF? Than another gal in line says, "How old is she?" I tell her she is almost 10 months old. She replies, "Oh my, It's past overdue!!" WTF kind of comments are these? These people do not know my life situation or anything!! Talk about assinine comments!!!

[Anonymous]

sorry i had a bunch of typos!!! My daughter is on my lap!! hehehe

[Anonymous]

I have two, who are very close in age, and after the initial "you have your hands full, don't you?" remark, I am always asked if we are done. I always tell the truth, that we wanted two, close in age, and that we lucked out to have one of each. If they push it, I will tell them about my painful, problematic pregnancies, and they will know exactly why I got the child bearing over as quickly as possible.

I think people are curious, and I have nothing to hide, so if they really want to know, I will tell them.

[Anonymous]

sorry people offend you. honestly, i think some people are just making conversation at times and have no clue what to say. i put my foot in my mouth at times without meaning to, then i will rethink it later and think "oh shoot, why did i say that?!" i'd just brush it off with vague answers...."yes, she is really special," then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

there are other things that you can say to make converstation but some of the things people say or just uncalled for no matter what the situation!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:there are other things that you can say to make converstation but some of the things people say or just uncalled for no matter what the situation!!

Agreed that some things are uncalled for - but is asking whether someone has more children really one of them?

[Anonymous]

It never ceases to amaze me how many people think they have the right to comment about your reproductive status. We also "only" have one child, but it is because we chose not to have any more. However, everyone we meet seems to think they have the right to ask when we are going to have the next one (some even before we got DS out of the hospital!).

I know how annoyed I get, and I can't imagine the pain you must feel because you wanted another child. Unfortunately, I have no good advice that won't result in TMI for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people say things like this? I totally realize that it's not meant in a bad way but it is inadvertently painful for those of us who aren't as lucky in the fertility lottery, particularly when asked in a pitying tone by all the upper-middle-class mothers-of-two who seem to inhabit NW DC and the suburbs.

I have one child and had a miscarriage not too long ago; I'm in "advanced maternal age" category so no matter how much I may want to have another, the odds get a little slimmer each month. I'm coping reasonably well with that reality - a whole lot better now then in the immediate aftermath of the miscarriage - but I still really really wish that people would think a bit more before inquiring into questions that involve fertility except with close friends and family. Can anyone recommend a good response? Sometimes I actually tell the truth, thinking that if people realize what the answer might be, they might stop asking this question to others. But if the miscarriage rates are as high as the doctors say, then why don't people realize that they may be talking to someone who just lost a pregnancy?

I am in exactly the same situation - one child and recent miscarriage and desperate for another. I am also of advanced maternal age and the older I am getting the more painful comments like that become. Strangely I was just about coping until I had the miscarriage and now I am a mess and to make matters more difficult I have about 5 friends who are pregnant right now and one just gave birth. I am really happy for them but they are a constant reminder. It's tough. Wish you the best and I hope you realize your dream.

[Anonymous]

OP, I suspect people ask this question in a generic getting to know you sort of way. Perhaps they thought it was presumptous to say, "do you have other kids?" It's only through hearing comments like this that people, me included, become more sensitive in conversation.

As for a response, it depends on your objective (and how blind sided you are at the time the question is asked). If you are comfortable telling the truth including telling them how the question pains you, then maybe you are already taking the best approach to educate people. But if you are looking to cut off the discussion, just say yes and something about how wondeful your child is. Then firmly change the subject. (Sorry I can't think of a response that educates without telling your story).