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Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
"So you only have the one child?"
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Anonymous
| I agree -- I think those who have never dealt with infertility or pregnancy loss are WAY less sensitive about this subject. I've dealt with both -- IVF resulting in a pregnancy loss at 20 weeks, and after two more IVF attempts gave birth to a wonderful daughter. I feel blessed to have her and would like to have another, but am also of "advanced maternal age" and am not optimistic about our chances for having another child. Even after all we've been through, I still get the question, "so when do you think you'll start trying?" -- even from some of my friends who KNOW what I went through to have one child! "Start trying" is WAY different for someone who has to do IVF, but not everyone is aware of what a long, hard road it is. To those of you out there who think it's an innocent enough question to ask someone about plans for more children, please think about asking if you don't know the person well. Perhaps you'll get to know them through other topics and then find out what their story is on their terms. I am much more apt to offer up my personal story after I've developed a connection with someone. |
Anonymous
| If you want to try to start a conversation about whether someone intends to add to her family, how about starting it by talking about your plans? I've found that most people who want to talk about it will jump in. If not, best not to ask. |
Anonymous
|
Oh no, PP. Ix-nay to the talking about babies and family AT ALL, from what I'm hearing. We're just supposed to talk about the weather, and sports. Someone experiencing infertility might be offended if I mention that I'm having a second baby. In fact, even when talking to your best friend, best not to discuss this stuff, because someone might overhear it, and it will ruin her day.
For that matter, please don't talk about the weather. My granny died when a hurricane hit Florida. I'm extra-sensitive to anything related to the weather. |
Anonymous
|
I think people are totally missing the original post. OP said she was asked if her child was her only child. That is NOT the same thing as asking her if/when she is "trying" for more.
People should stop looking for reasons to be offended. There are plenty of people out there who try to be offensive/obnoxious on purpose. But don't try to "read into" innocent comments made by people who are just trying to be friendly. |
Anonymous
| Having a bad day, 16:35? I hope you're not as mean as your sarcasm makes you sound. |
Anonymous
| "So, you only have the one child?" does not sound friendly. It sounds judgmental. |
Anonymous
How very cruel. |
Anonymous
Talk about reading into an innocous statement. |
Anonymous
| Good heavens - if I run into 16:35 - I just hope she doesn't talk at all. Wow! |
Anonymous
Actually I think the poster makes her point. The original post is not about asking about fertility issues. It's about asking a basic question. There is something that offends just about everyone. Where does it end? |
Anonymous
|
Some questions I consider to be in the same realm as "So, you only have one child":
"So, you have a blue car?" "So, you're left-handed?" The poster who recommended that talk of family and children in casual conversation was somehow "too personal" needed a reality check. My child is almost ALL I talk about with people I don't know well. It's safe territory. Or so I thought. If kid conversations are verboten, what do I have permission to talk about? The 16:35 poster was trying to be funny. I smiled. And, I knew a woman who freaked out if anyone mentioned volcanoes, because her cousin was killed when Mt. St. Helens erupted. Upon hearing that the earrings a colleague was wearing were made of volcanic obsidian, she requested (publicly) that the woman no longer wear them to the office. They were "just too painful a reminder". Let's all say it together: crazy! And, in my mind, not too far off from folks who want to ban talk of family size based on their own personal disappointments. Some of these skins are so thin, I'm amazed people aren't springing leaks. Well, I guess they are. Here on DCUM. |
Anonymous
As someone has an "only" one child I can say that 99% of the time that I am asked "so you only have one child" - which might seem innocent enough. But when I answer "yes" - the person will almost always follow up with "are you going to have more" or something along those lines. I realize these people are trying to just make casual conversation but I think what many of us are saying is - find something else to talk about. There's lots of options - especially in this area .
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Anonymous
| What a tough town. You can't even suggest people be nicer to each other without getting made fun of. |
Anonymous
Making fun of someone else's pain is not necessary to make a point. Even if you do not agree with the OP surely you recognize that her post stems from pain. Is it so hard to respect that and not make fun of it? Those of us who have lost close members of our families - brothers, sisters, children, parents do find talking about it raw and painful. My brother was murdered and whenever I hear the name of the city he was murdered in it sends shivers down my spine. I may not ask people not to mention the name but it still stings and if I were to ask people not to mention the name (which I will not do), making fun is hardly a humane response. I am in the OP's situation. I have one child, another died at 28 weeks and I suffered a recent miscarriage and I am also of AMA. In the weeks and months after the events it IS very painful hear the comments she mentioned especially as one is aware that with age conception becomes harder and harder and one is wrestling with the idea that number two may never come. She is human and human beings hurt. How we express our pain differs from person to person and not everyone may identify with the way she has expressed her pain but for goodness sake, gave her a break and try, if you can to not poke fun at such a painful topic. Until you walk in someone else's shoes, be very careful before judging their reactions. If you do not agree with her, in this situation at least, if you cannot beg to differ respectfully then at least try not to comment. |
Anonymous
| OP again. I didn't anticipate this post would bring out such bitterness. Or defensiveness. I don't see why it should. No one is suggesting that you shouldn't talk about your kids to other people. I do this all the time. But I don't comment on the number of kids or ask about pregnancy plans as an ice-breaker with virtual strangers. Feel free to do that if you like, but given the rates of miscarriage and infertility you ought to know that you're treading on painful territory for a substantial proportion of the people you're ostensibly trying to befriend. You can dismiss this as oversensitive - I'd just call it basic human decency and consideration toward others. |