"So you only have the one child?"

[Anonymous]

The next time someone makes comments that I should give my child a sibling or invades my privacy, I will ask if they are taking a survey or simply say that I had to have my ovaries removed after my last pregnancy and can no longer have children, thanks for reminding me of my condition!!!!

[Anonymous]

Here are some possible responses:

"Oh, thank you for asking." Followed by no answer.

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, my God, I left the other one at the gas station!"

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. I had to deal wtih secondary infertility, and it was just so painful to deal with these comments. Some of them were meant as jokes (well, it is time for another...) and some as conversation starters, but they all just jabbed straight into my heart. I would just smile and not respond at all. That would usually do the trick. Nobody's business to know what the situation is. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Not to diminish the OP's situation, but the truth is that most of the time it is a pretty innocent question. I ask (and get asked) some variety of this all the time. At playgroups, at the playground, at church, at the library....wherever we are with groups of kids and moms. Of course I'm sure there are judgemental people out there (who could be judgemental about ANY topic) but I think the vast majority of the time, it is simply a "get to know you" kind of question. As in, "Wow, look at all the kids running around, these two are mine, my friend Jen over there has that one, and is this sweetie here your only one or do you have another one running around too?" In fact, there are so many women that have fertility issues and/or miscarriages, that I really don't think it hurts to answer honestly if it is a genuinely asked question. "We have one and just lost one and really hope to have another" and you might very well find that the woman who is asking has been in the exact same situation.

I don't know why we get all hung up about privacy when it comes to basic issues like having children. It's easy to forget that there's a ton of people out there in very similar situations. Me, personally, I have two and would love a third but it isn't working. So when someone asks me how many kids I have, I usually say something pretty basic like "well, we want a third but it's not working too well!" and next thing I know I have plenty of sympathy, and sometimes some interesting advice or stories of other women's experiences. I don't know, maybe I just have more of a sense that "we're all in this together" than other people, or maybe I'm just a tad less private. Anyway, OP, if you don't want to answer, don't. If you think someone is being snotty, use a snotty comeback. But I also think it wouldn't hurt to just see it as the low-key get-to-know-you kind of question that it probably was meant to be. And, I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I don't get: Americans are increasingly alienated and alone, and we all admit it freely. Loneliness is rampant, isolation is one of the top causes of depression (and it seems like everyone's on something for depression), and when asked, most people say that they wish they had more friends.

YET! If someone dares to try to make a connection by asking about our family, we get our backs up and cry "invasion of privacy!"

I wish I had more friends. But whaddaya know, too often when I try to connect with another mom, I get one of these cold stares (as is so often recommended on these boards).

I'll keep trying, though. So please, if I meet you at a party, and I ask about your kids, please don't assume I'm being nosy, or that I lack manners. I'm trying to be your friend. I'll be as sensitive as I can to your cues, but if you shut me down at the first semi-personal question, we don't have a chance.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP - thanks for all the comments. I realize that most of the time these sorts of questions aren't meant to be hurtful, and I also realize I've probably said a lot of annoying things myself. I'm totally open to befriending parents of kids at my son's school or on the playground, and I'm not trying to smack people down for being friendly or trying to make a connection.

But to me it's common sense not to ask a woman I don't know really, really well why she doesn't have kids, or why she doesn't have more kids, or when she's going to have them. I get why that's not cool because I have friends and family who struggled with infertility, or who just don't want to go the parenthood route and don't feel the need to debate that question with every third person on the street. So I don't think it's oversensitive to be bugged by the mom of 2 at a birthday party this weekend who doesn't even know my son's name but feels obliged to question why I don't have a second as a conversation-opener. That actually happened AFTER I posted this query; it was the third time in the weekend someone asked. I actually don't terribly mind saying that I had a miscarriage - it was a huge life event for me - but you'd be surprised at how uncomfortable people get when you say that word.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for your experience OP. I would point out that your initial post was about people asking _whether_ you had another child, not _why_ you don't have another child. These seem like very very different things.

[Anonymous]

I'm also not offended at all when people ask. Really, how are people supposed to know you have fertility problems? My dad is an alcoholic, but doesn't get upset when a stranger at a party unknowingly asks him if he needs a drink!

I have 1 child - by choice - and I am usually flattered when they ask if we're having more because when I say no - they always comment that we're such a great family and would be great parents to more kids. It's just a conversation starter!! What wuld be a better one? "So, is your 2 yr old potty trained yet?" "Do you use all organic food in your house?"

Who cares?

[Anonymous]

Here is another angle to this question. I am now pregnant at 40 but...prior to my pregnancy when I was walking around with my toddler I would get the-so you guys are only having one..i.e. I must be too old to consider another. ahhh wrong..in fact no problems getting pregnant thank you very much. I would generally answer..one so far..the look of surprise really annoyed me, cmon woman over 35 are one of the largest growing areas of age where people are having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm also not offended at all when people ask. Really, how are people supposed to know you have fertility problems? My dad is an alcoholic, but doesn't get upset when a stranger at a party unknowingly asks him if he needs a drink!

I have 1 child - by choice - and I am usually flattered when they ask if we're having more because when I say no - they always comment that we're such a great family and would be great parents to more kids. It's just a conversation starter!! What wuld be a better one? "So, is your 2 yr old potty trained yet?" "Do you use all organic food in your house?"

Who cares?

Maybe a person who just miscarried cares. (I am not the OP). Have you ever considered that? Obviously not. There are so many more conversation starters - weather, sports, houses, gardens, sports. Why would you have to start with something you know may hurt the other person.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 16:59. Seems most sensible to start conversations with non-personal subjects if you don't know the person you're talking to. I think we should view this thread as consciousness raising, similar to the one about the child with special needs who was not included in birthday parties. Let's just all be more sensitive and kind instead of defending the use of personal questions posed to people with whom we are not already close friends.

[Anonymous]

I can see both sides of the argument here. The question about any other children can be a way to get to know one another better. But it can also be perceived as personal or sensitive for some. Another example of a question which may seem very innocuous to some - but is really sensitive to me - "so do you have any brothers or sisters?" And when I answer no, I usually get a comment about being an only child. But the truth is that I had a sister, who was my very best friend, who died in a car accident 3 years ago. I get that the person who is asking is just making conversation and in no way trying to be nosy or insensitive. How could they know my tragedy? Why would I expect them to? Are fatal car accidents more or less common than miscarriages? Should we stop asking any questions about each other's lives so as not to offend? I think it's best to view these types of personal questions in the context that they were posed. Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I am in the "this is a harmless question" camp. I think the poster with an alcholic father made a great point. I agree that why/why not questions regarding child bearing are out of line, but simply asking if you have children?/how many? does not seem that personal to me. Its no different then asking where someone is from or where they went to college, etc. People are just looking for common ground. Cut them a little slack.

[Anonymous]

I can completely understand why someone could see this question as harmless. But as someone who went through 4 IVFs to conceive my first child and am in the middle of my 4th IVF to try and conceive a second child - this question is extremely painful. We have endured 4 years of testing, shots, miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy - we've traveled a very long and difficult road to try and build our family. When I am asked this question - I do usually pick one of the lines many referred to previously - sometimes it stops the questions and other times people feel compelled to delve further into our situation. Regardless - it still stings. If you want to try and get to know someone - please pick a different question. You'll eventually figure out if she only has one child and there are so many other questions you can ask. It seems like something so small but you would truly being doing women battling infertilty a HUGE favor if you would just ask her something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with 16:59. Seems most sensible to start conversations with non-personal subjects if you don't know the person you're talking to. I think we should view this thread as consciousness raising, similar to the one about the child with special needs who was not included in birthday parties. Let's just all be more sensitive and kind instead of defending the use of personal questions posed to people with whom we are not already close friends.

Excellent point! And a great example to set for children: try to be polite and sensitive to others.

That said, if I'm itching to open a conversation about childrearing with a stranger, I try to just state "what an adorable child! I love that sweater!" or something positive focused on the child and leave it at that. If the person WANTS to talk, the door is clearly open. If not, hopefully they feel it's an easy out to simply say "thanks".

I've heard EVERY dumb, insensitive, hostile comment you can imagine. I'm 35+, fraternal twins, boys, multiracial family, I "look like a nanny", yadda yadda yadda.

Whether people mean to be insenstive or not, we all have a right to feel upset when boundaries get crossed.

OP- I hear you.