s/o no family nearby/giving birth alone
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Anonymous
| So there are frequently threads like the current one running about giving birth alone and how do people manage when there are no relatives nearby. The standard DCUM answer is you have to build your village. Yet right now there are also threads running about neighbors who don't want to have ANY interaction or people who refuse to chitchat at the bus stop. So how exactly are you supposed to build your network if neighbors don't want to engage and neither do parents of kids at your school or anyone else you frequently find yourself in proximity with? Asking for a friend... |
Anonymous
I think it takes awhile to find your village. We aren't close with our neighbors and there are really only two parents I've met through DS that I'd consider part of my village. But dh, ds, and I joined a dojo to do jiu jitsu and boxing (not like in the ring boxing). There are about 20 others that belong there that are now part of our village. It's been truly amazing. Last year, we had a medical emergency with DD and DH and I both had to be at the hospital for a couple of days. The support we had from our dojo friends was remarkable. |
Anonymous
Sometimes you have to buy your village. Or join a church  . Seriously though, your friend should look into hiring a doula to help her through the birthing process.
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Anonymous
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Yeah. The only solution is to buy a village...
Or move. Lately the later is looking more and more attractive. |
Anonymous
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Is the baby's father not in the picture?
Or does your friend need help with watching older children while she is giving birth? It sucks, but a woman CAN go to the hospital and give birth without a support person. When my dh was active duty military I met a few moms who had done it. Their husband was deployed, their family couldn't come out in time for the birth, they had only recently moved to that base and hadn't got close to any new friends yet, etc. |
Anonymous
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We found our village when our child was about 4 and we could schedule more play dates. We did not have a lot of help during the baby/toddler years. We were just fine and so was our son. DS is in second grade now and we have 4-5 families that I would call for help in a heart beat. Neither one of us is a huge joiner or are overly religious so we had not built a huge community. We had some friends from softball that I am pretty sure would have been there if I had put out a call for help but we never tested that.
If there had been a serious problem when DS was a baby/toddler, his Grandparents would have come to help. This is less of an option now as one is no longer able to travel easily and one passed away. But now we have the group of people from Cub Scouts and other kids he has made friends with. We have a group that goes camping together and a good number of fall back positions. |
Anonymous
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I think just because ONE person at the bus stop doesn't want to chat, doesn't mean every parent at the school is uninterested.
I am lucky to have lots of local friends. I've lived here a long time, so I have friends from childhood, high school, college and from my roaring 20s. I am not always seeking out MORE friends, just because I feel like I barely see my current friends enough. BUT. Now that my oldest is in school, I feel like I'm really part of a new community. I am really interested in forging family connections with other people who have similar aged children. The perspective of seeing what's normal, what traits in my DD that other kids her age also have, being able to trade some tips and information is really valuable. Also, these people all live really close to me! Unlike some of my other local friends (who are in DC, outside the beltway etc). You just have to work at it. I think it's hard with babies and young toddlers. But we really started making other family friends once my oldest was about 3.5 and in full time preschool. Be open to people, put yourself out there, don't be afraid to ask for someone's number or for a play date. It'll come. |
Anonymous
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It's also where you move. We moved to a kid friendly area. We saw tons of people walking dogs, kids playing in the street and neighbors chatting at mailboxes. Not like a few cold neighborhoods we toured in Mclean.
I've found a great community in moms groups, but you also have to be an active participant. I have an acquaintance who whines nonstop that no one invites her to anything, except we have! But in 4 years she has never once hosted moms night out at her house, planned a playdate or invited anyone over. |
Anonymous
There are a lot of situations designed to have people talking and getting to know each other: events a libraries and museums, cooking classes, cooperative extension courses, neighborhood block parties, church events, common interest groups, volunteering at animal shelters or Habit for Humanity, table game nights at local game store, local slow food restaurant tasting parties or, or, or … Sure, not all of them are going to be available to everyone in all areas, and not all are free, but there is always something. It takes effort, though, even if not much. It's not fair to present yourself as lonely and needy to people who are not involved in a group event, and then just expect them to drop their own projects and fix you. |
Anonymous
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I had both sets of grandparents standing by as well as close friends, but I didn't want any of them around me while I was giving birth. They were just extremely unhelpful to me at that time (why be in pain? Get an epidural. I don't know why you're bothering to push, just get a csection, etc). I did have DH, but he was on work travel until week 38 all 3 times so I was prepared to go alone. I had worked out the scenarios (calling an uber if I was in labor, dropping my kids at my friend's house). The nurses and your OB are your best friends while giving birth.
I know a few 2nd time moms who hired babysitters while they were in labor. Bringing your kids to the hospital is unacceptable. |
Anonymous
The thing is, not everyone is going to be your village. It takes work to build a village, and a lot of putting yourself out there. Often, you have to seek out places or activities where other people are also looking for villages eg. Meetup groups, religious groups, volunteer organizations, etc. And, like it or not, yu have to be the one to build it and ask for the help you need. Everyone is, in general, looking after their own life and individual challenges. I’ve seen people who are building good networks get bent out of shape about reciprocity or dinner invites... while the other family is doing things in other ways like helping with school or club pickups, etc. You really need to get into the mind set of “other people do things differently” when you are developing adult friendships. |
Anonymous
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It takes work and a lot of reaching out. When we moved to a new city, I had cards made with my name, number, and email on them so I could easily share with someone I met how to contact me.
It was well received, and I was able to connect with a few people that way and develop a friendship that would otherwise stopped at our one time library story time chat. Go to baby and me classes, sign up for stuff, talk to other parents as much as you can. Invite people over that you think you would click with. |
Anonymous
Take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself why nobody wants to interact with you? We are friendly with a few neighbors but in a thousand years i would never want or ask them to attend my birth. what purpose would they have there? tell me to push, push? take photos? seriously? If you feel someone other than you needs to advocate for you - hire a doula. |
Anonymous
I don't think OP (and the OP of the other thread that this spun off of) is wanting some random friend/neighbor at the birth. If I remember correctly, the original thread was about OP needing to labor/deliver alone, because her DH would need to stay home with their 2 older children. Our DD is nearly 4. We moved to a community 2 years ago that seemed to be full of families with preschool/elementary age children, only to discover that most of the families are very insular. There's little to no actual socializing amongst neighbors, even with those who have children the same age. Everyone is involved in their own activities/jobs/lives/whatever. The two families we were close to in the neighborhood have both recently relocated out of the area. I have exactly one local friend I could call on and trust enough to watch my child in an emergency, and we have a babysitter we've used on occasion who might be available in a pinch. I get where the OP is coming from with this. I think it would be easier to build a village if I was a SAHM, but I'm not, so there's that complication, too. |
Anonymous
| I would have happily labored and delivered alone. My labors were very fast and so painful--I just wanted to focus on what I was doing. |