Is it too late for my 13 YO boy?
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Anonymous
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We have a full-time housekeeper. She works at the house every day and primarily cleans up after us.
I recently noticed (don't flame me for not noticing earlier) but I recently noticed that my son is a huge slob. He literally drops whatever item on the floor wherever he is standing/sitting when he's done with it and walks away. So, if he's changing clothes, he'll take his socks off in the rec room - leave them on the floor in the rec room; shirt off on his way to his room - drop it on the hallway floor; pants off - dropped on bedroom floor. I could go on with more examples: towel after shower - on the floor from bathroom to bedroom. Empty glasses - left whenever last drop of drink was drunk. And what caught my attention that made me start noticing - he was opening a package he got in the mail and simply dropped the trash on the floor.  
I am mortified and obviously I told him to pick up his trash and throw in the garbage, but since then I noticed all these other things (clothes, shoes, glassware, etc.) and I realized that he's never had to pick up after himself because of our housekeeper. Is it too late at this point to train him to pick up after himself? |
Anonymous
| You need to get on this OP. There's no excuse for YOU to have let him act like Little Lord Fauntleroy due to the daily housekeeper. How rude of you. While you're at it, teach him how to do laundry and clean his bathroom. Future roommates will be thankful. |
Anonymous
+1 I don't know about it being too late, but at least while he is living at home under your supervision, you still have time to parent. Word of warning.. I have *always* taught my children to pick up after themselves, but the 11 yr old is till a slob. I find one sock everywhere (don't know why DC always takes just one off); candy wrappers in the drawers even though there is a trash bin in DC's room. Some kids are just more slobs than others, and it takes more effort to get them to clean up after themselves. But DC does most of the time take DC's own dirty dishes to the dishwasher. It will take a lot of training and reminders. |
Anonymous
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OP, mom of a 16 y.o. DD here and she is a complete slob. I have no housekeeper so I've been working on this issue with her for years. (My younger DD has always been neat which in a way, rubs salt in this as I know it can't be an age issue)
Over half of our interaction was me getting on her to clean up, her saying, "I WIIIIIILLLLL!" and not doing it and me getting on her to do it. It was a non-stop battle and really wrecking the relationship AND, I was angry all.the.time. About 3 years ago now, thanks to DCUM, I read "Yes your teen is crazy!" and revised my approach. I stopped, just stopped, and decided I only had a few years left with the kid in the house and I would just be the maid--this was for my own sanity; to decide not to care and be at peace. This really helped both me, and the relationship, but of course at the cost of teaching her how to be neat--or so I thought. And I might say, really nicely, "if you could pick up your towel" (clean up the bathroom) that would be great. And not ask again. And she started doing it. She's still deficient at it, but it's not a battle. So, I know you are not in a battle with your boy about this, but just want to encourage you not to turn it into a battle. Second, I heard a lecture once from a doctor who specializes in adolescence, and she said, "kids don't actually know what "clean" looks like." So for their room, for example you: 1) Clean up their room, exactly how you would like it. 2) Take a picture of their clean room. Tape the picture outside their room in the doorway area. 3) Then say, "That's your room when it's clean. When I say, 'clean your room,' I want your room to look like that." 4) Then later on, when you've asked them to clean their room and they say their room is clean, don't argue. Just smile and point to the picture. (but in your situation, OP, I wouldn't start with his room; start with the living room) Good luck, OP! |
Anonymous
Excuse me, I have to step in here and correct your facts. Little Lord Fauntleroy was actually the (unrealistic) epitome of courtesy and thoughtfulness. He would never do that. If you had actually read Frances Hodgson Burnett's book, you would know. To OP, You have to talk to the housekeeper and your son to arrange something. When you are teaching him to pick up after himself, there will be times he won't, and then what happens? Should the housekeeper leave the stuff on the floor, but then she won't be able to clean that area? Will everyone have to point DS to his messes, to keep the house on the same cleaning schedule? |
Anonymous
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This is OP and thanks for the feedback and encouragement.
I have since started telling him to pick up his mess when I see it. 10:39 - thanks for your post - I might pick up that book and I appreciate your words of wisdom about it not becoming a constant battle. 10:38 - thanks. I am changing and telling him to clean up after himself. I'm just hoping it's not too late and I didn't raise someone who can live in filth. |
Anonymous
| It's gonna be you or eventually, his wife (if he gets married). |
Anonymous
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You still have time to teach him, and please do! Otherwise he'll end up a man like my DH and a wife who hates it. DH's family did not have a housekeeper, but he had a mother who was obsessively neat. You'd think this would teach him to be neat too, but no, she didn't mind picking up things dropped and messes wherever they were found, either she enjoyed it or she was so obsessive she could not stand anyone else doing it or doing it wrong.
So DH still does that thing of just dropping things wherever he happens to be. He just never had to think about what happened to the object after he was done with it. Trash just disppeared, glasses somehow made their way back to the kitchen, clothes to the hamper. I don't pick up after him like his mom, and he still expresses surprise at how quickly our place gets messy. That's what happens when you don't put anything away! You need to teach him better habits -- that if you open something, the wrapper/package goes into the garbage. Same for clothes -- into the hamper. It is automatic for me, it is not for DH. |
Anonymous
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Not your fault, OP. Also not too late, but don't expect overnight miracles. Some kids are naturally type A neat freaks and most are not.
We've never had a house cleaner, and I do not cater to or pick up after my teen boys. But they leave socks literally everywhere! They put things down in random places and forget they exist. They take clothes off and set them on the floor NEXT TO the hamper. It is constant skill building, habit forming, repeat, repeat, repeat. Agree that you should start with any and all shared spaces. It is one thing to have a bad habit of a messy room, but it is a whole other thing to be rude in shared spaces. |
Anonymous
We have always called my kid "One Sock D---." Since he was a baby, he takes one sock off. Nice to know he isn't the only one. He also has ADHD so I think he probably gets distracted halfway through taking his socks off and forgets what he's doing. 
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Anonymous
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OP- my son does this and we do not have a full time housekeeper. Here's what you do, and get ready, it's mean. No matter what he is doing (unless he's at school or something he can't leave), he has to come and pick it up.
Middle of the video game, stop, pick it up Hanging out with friends in the neighborhood, text him to come home and pick it up (turn off his phone remotely until he does) Watching tv, stop and pick it up and so on... it really works and rather quickly if you're absolutely consistent. Imagine having to halt your video game to pick up dirty socks or flush the toilet? |
Anonymous
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No it is not.
I would start with a calm discussion of the new regime. After that I would crack down quickly and harshly. You can confiscate all things he leaves around, you can force him to deal with them immediately. You should get him a hamper so that you can stop doing his laundry/stop the housekeeper until he is forced to wear dirty smelly clothes. Please be sure to discuss with the housekeeper so she backs you up. You can talk to him about the mess, but also about the disregard. She is hired to clean, not to tidy is what I always would say, but then I only had 4 hours of cleaning a week. |
Anonymous
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So glad to see my DD isn't the only sock shedder! Our house is full of "sock graveyards," as we call the spots where she tends to take them off and leave them. One used to be next to the stairs, because when she was little and still unsteady we had her take her socks off before she played on the uncarpeted stairs. Now, sometimes I'll find two or three pairs in front of the PlayStation.
It's been like this as long as I can remember, and it hasn't gotten any better as a tween. She's actually very responsible with most other things at this point, she just takes off her socks while she's in the middle of something else and fails to think about them any more. I did have good luck a few years ago charging her a quarter every time she left a wet towel on the bathroom floor. Guess I need to institute that with the socks. |
Anonymous
| It's not too late to train him. In addition to catching him in the act, you can institute a 5-minute pick-up for him every day. He goes through the public rooms in the house, picking up after himself. Make it 10 if 5 isn't enough! |
Anonymous
We all do the five-minute pickup at our house. It's great for all of us, since I tend to be sort of clutter blind myself. Our son just turned 11 and he's cooperative but it seems he needs more and more reminders. I have been meaning to read the brain book because there is definitely something going on there@ |