Is it too late for my 13 YO boy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it is not.

I would start with a calm discussion of the new regime. After that I would crack down quickly and harshly.

You can confiscate all things he leaves around, you can force him to deal with them immediately.

You should get him a hamper so that you can stop doing his laundry/stop the housekeeper until he is forced to wear dirty smelly clothes.

Please be sure to discuss with the housekeeper so she backs you up.

You can talk to him about the mess, but also about the disregard. She is hired to clean, not to tidy is what I always would say, but then I only had 4 hours of cleaning a week.

I think this is what I would emphasize. No teen wants to clean but if you point out that it's very rude to your housekeeper to just drop trash and expect her to come get it hopefully he will be ashamed. My mom never even let us leave a napkin on the table at a fast food restaurant for workers to have to come clean up - it's just rude to leave a mess and make it someone else's problem. And in my experience kids are blase about it when it's their mom cleaning up behind them but more able to be shamed when it's someone else.

[Anonymous]

He's probably just a clueless teenage boy. He's always had someone else to pick up after him, so he doesn't care. Tell your housekeeper to stop picking up his messes. From now on, he puts his trash in the trash, clothes in hamper dishes in dishwasher if it's dirty or sink if it's clean.

[Anonymous]

My boys --11 and 14--are not allowed to leave clothes on floor. It's a battle but always tell them to go put them in dirty clothes hamper. The trash they leave around I also remind them. They have gotten much better over time.

I worried about this as well because I did not grow up with a cleaning person/housekeeper.

Though we all clean up especially good the day before the cleaning lady arrives weekly--because I tell my kids I don't want her spending her time clearing clutter, picking stuff up off the floor, etc. I always say 'how can so and so vacuum with your cr*p all over the floor?' and they scurry. My husband also threatens to throw it out.

My boys have chores of sorting laundry and putting their own stuff away. They take out trash/recycling and empty dishwasher. My husband is getting them started on doing laundry. My older one also mows our lawn--plus a few customers in the neighborhood.

Their wives can thank me. I grew up in a house where my dad cooked and pitched in. My brother had the same chores as my sister and I---no 'girl' or 'boy' chores.

They all need to learn this stuff. The WORST roommates I ever had were the ones that grew up with a full-time staff or mother who did everything for them ----filthy slobs.

[Anonymous]

Sit down with your son and explain that he is approaching adult age and that it's time for him to learn picking up after himself and doing his own laundry, that when he goes to college he won't have a housekeeper.
Tell your housekeeper to stop picking up clothes and trash off the floor of his bedroom. He may not mind his bedroom being a mess, but he will notice when he's run out of clean clothes to wear because everything is on the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with your son and explain that he is approaching adult age and that it's time for him to learn picking up after himself and doing his own laundry, that when he goes to college he won't have a housekeeper.
Tell your housekeeper to stop picking up clothes and trash off the floor of his bedroom. He may not mind his bedroom being a mess, but he will notice when he's run out of clean clothes to wear because everything is on the floor.

This. "Honey, we have a housekeeper. You do not. And you will not have one when you leave here either."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- my son does this and we do not have a full time housekeeper. Here's what you do, and get ready, it's mean. No matter what he is doing (unless he's at school or something he can't leave), he has to come and pick it up.

Middle of the video game, stop, pick it up
Hanging out with friends in the neighborhood, text him to come home and pick it up (turn off his phone remotely until he does)
Watching tv, stop and pick it up

and so on... it really works and rather quickly if you're absolutely consistent. Imagine having to halt your video game to pick up dirty socks or flush the toilet?

This is what we do and it is amazingly effective. We have slip-ups from time to time - but by no means are they slobs.

[Anonymous]

What kind of example does your husband set? Does he clean up?

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who grew up very wealthy. She had maids that would unpack her suitcase after she returned from travel, sweep up all of her crumbs, fold and put away her laundry. You'd think she'd become a total, lazy slob. It actually had the opposite effect. She can't stand mess. Now that she's an adult and on her own (with much scaled down domestic help), she has a spotless house. She's constantly sweeping and tidying. Her house was spotless growing up and that's the way she thinks houses need to be. So, all is not lost.

[Anonymous]

We now live overseas in a flat with just one bathroom. So, if 14yo DS leaves his stuff everywhere, it impacts everyone in the family. I have a once/week housekeeper & have her clean everything including his room. It’s for my sanity, not his. DH & I are quite neat with our things & the house is clean most of the time, save for DS’s room and the bathroom after he uses it.

One very recent change that we have implemented was well-received and is starting to work: We’ve increased his overall chore requirements.

Until now, he’s largely gotten a pass on chores during the week, on account of heavy workload and other obligations. But we realized that this has created a really toxic dynamic where he felt entitled to have everyone pick up after him.

We assembled a list of all normal daily chores and basically told him he’s old enough to contribute to the functioning of the house and that we expect him to shoulder his weight as a member of the family. He gets first dibs at the list each week, but has to sign up for at least 2 daily things, one of which is tidying his room. If it’s critical (ie feeding the cats) & he doesn’t get to it, DH & I will do it for him & give him an extra task (whatever we don’t feel like doing) that must be done the next day. If that means he has to plead for an assignment extension or skip sports, so be it.

Somehow this has helped him feel like he’s part of a team and less ‘picked on’, and therefore less resistant to participating.

[Anonymous]

It’s not too late but it will be an adjustment and he will not be perfect. We don’t have a housekeeper but weekly cleaners. I’ve told my kids from day one the cleaners job is general house cleaning and not to pick up after them. They clean whenever they are coming and must pick up on a daily basis or I’m not bringing them to practice or wherever they need to go. Right now it’s 5:55 and DS wants a ride to meet friends at 6. His bathroom still looks like a war zone with towels and clothes. The kitchen has food and dishes out from when he made a snack. I’m not yelling, just not driving anywhere until all is picked up and the stuff is at least in a hamper, the counters are wiped and his dishes are in the dishwasher. He’s not moving to pick up so we aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

It’s not too late. Set expectations. Have a transition period. Then have consequences. Those consequences might be that the clothing and garbage get dropped on his bed. There should also be an apology of action that he directs toward the housekeeper; no one should be treated this disrespectfully.

[Anonymous]

Too late based on my own experience with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get on this OP. There's no excuse for YOU to have let him act like Little Lord Fauntleroy due to the daily housekeeper. How rude of you. While you're at it, teach him how to do laundry and clean his bathroom. Future roommates will be thankful.

Excuse me, I have to step in here and correct your facts. Little Lord Fauntleroy was actually the (unrealistic) epitome of courtesy and thoughtfulness. He would never do that. If you had actually read Frances Hodgson Burnett's book, you would know.

To OP,

You have to talk to the housekeeper and your son to arrange something. When you are teaching him to pick up after himself, there will be times he won't, and then what happens? Should the housekeeper leave the stuff on the floor, but then she won't be able to clean that area? Will everyone have to point DS to his messes, to keep the house on the same cleaning schedule?

not the poster who mentioned little lord F but in England we use this as an expression for "little perfect prince who does no wrong in the eyes of his mother" I suspect the poster is a brit, (as am I)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend who grew up very wealthy. She had maids that would unpack her suitcase after she returned from travel, sweep up all of her crumbs, fold and put away her laundry. You'd think she'd become a total, lazy slob. It actually had the opposite effect. She can't stand mess. Now that she's an adult and on her own (with much scaled down domestic help), she has a spotless house. She's constantly sweeping and tidying. Her house was spotless growing up and that's the way she thinks houses need to be. So, all is not lost.

She sounds fascinating too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and thanks for the feedback and encouragement.

I have since started telling him to pick up his mess when I see it.

10:39 - thanks for your post - I might pick up that book and I appreciate your words of wisdom about it not becoming a constant battle.

10:38 - thanks. I am changing and telling him to clean up after himself. I'm just hoping it's not too late and I didn't raise someone who can live in filth.

He isn’t living in filth now so I’m sure that even if there is a huge learning curve later in he won’t be comfortable with filth then either. I speak from personal experience as a girl who grew up with s house keeper. I did learn how to do my own laundry and knew how to go to the grocery store and pump gas etc. More than some people I knew!
He will be fine, OP!