Sisters with totally different body types

[Anonymous]

We have two daughters who are 8 and 5. The older one is a gangly string bean and the younger one is tall for her age and built like a tank. We never talk about their body types, but other people (grandparents, friends' parents) are always commenting. None of it is ill-intentioned--talking about how skinny the big one is, saying "well she can afford to have ice cream every day," or calling the little one stocky, etc.... I try to cut off the commentary by saying that we don't talk about people's bodies and have directly asked the grandparents to stop, but it keeps coming back. I'm not sure if I have a specific question, but I worry about how this plays out going forward as the girls get older and become more body-conscious. What can I say to instill confidence and have them appreciate their own bodies?

[Anonymous]

We have that in our family too, ages 13 & 11. I had the same worry when they were younger so we put the taller, more muscular DD in a sport where being tall and strong is admired and valued (tennis), and she's excelled at it. She's leaned out as she's gotten older and she is fast and incredibly strong for her age. Her smaller, more petite older sister is also in a sport that matches her body type, but she's had to work to put on muscle, so in some ways the jealousy is the opposite of what I was expecting.

[Anonymous]

This was me and my sister (she was the tall thin one).

I don’t know if you currently do a lot of hand-me-downs, but that was the part that was always hardest on me— I knew my sister was thin, and the fact that her pants didn’t fit me meant I must be “fat”. (In reality she was chronically underweight and had to drink high calorie shakes every day to try to stay at a healthy weight)

It wasn’t great for my self esteem, but like the Pp, I found my unique niche (thanks, theater nerds) and that helped. IDK if my parents handled it perfectly- I definitely still had some body issues in my teen years— but now in our mid/late 30s my sister and I are very close and both relatively well adjusted adults

[Anonymous]

This is tough.

I have two boys but with opposite builds. What the parents say is the most important thing IMO. And, if you can shield them from it somewhat, then that helps too. Saying we don't talk about people's bodies, also saying, well we all need to eat a healthy diet (when someone says X can afford to have ice cream. The approach you take is really the most important, and if you shut down that conversation then your kids will pick up on that.

You can also choose to avoid situations where you know there will be comments and no good will come from it. It is okay to avoid those situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two daughters who are 8 and 5. The older one is a gangly string bean and the younger one is tall for her age and built like a tank. We never talk about their body types, but other people (grandparents, friends' parents) are always commenting. None of it is ill-intentioned--talking about how skinny the big one is, saying "well she can afford to have ice cream every day," or calling the little one stocky, etc.... I try to cut off the commentary by saying that we don't talk about people's bodies and have directly asked the grandparents to stop, but it keeps coming back. I'm not sure if I have a specific question, but I worry about how this plays out going forward as the girls get older and become more body-conscious. What can I say to instill confidence and have them appreciate their own bodies?

Stop the conversations when they start, in front of your daughters. Ice cream is a sometimes food, and not “afforded” by some people because of their shape.

And believe it or not.. is IS ill intentioned. Every little girl can afford ice cream, when warranted, despite their shape. Whoever is commenting is already telling your “stocky” daughter that she cannot enjoy things as much as your “beanpole” kid can.

My advice.. protect your kids from even what you don’t think is I’ll intentioned. For me, if it because repetitive, it would be a relationship breaker. Remind your daughters that they BOTH are strong, capable, kind, resourceful, helpful, etc. You may need to spend more time with your DD that you describe “built as a tank” in order to reassure her that her body is beautiful, because it the “beanpole” will get plenty of assurances from your family of how acceptable she is, at least sometimes. She’ll get told to “eat a sandwich” etc. as she gets older, and you’ll need to support her more then.

Support them. Let them talk. Be an open space. Offer positive things about their bodies. I don’t think it’s always great to deflect from body to something else, especially as they get older. I’ve been both skinny and now, overweight after having health problems after having DD. I have things to celebrate about

[Anonymous]

My 2 sisters and I all have different body types. I was the one built like a tank, the second sister was willowy, and the third petite. It helped a lot that I was the oldest daughter, which you can't do anything about. However, my parents never emphasized looks in any way and instead focused on intelligence, kindness, conscientiousness, etc as important traits. I think that does help.

As an adult it really doesn't matter. I am still built like a tank, but a reasonably attractive one. Aging doesn't phase me and I weigh the same as I did in high school so nothing to stress about there.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who stressed that you need to shut the down NOW. I have the same issue you do, and people have made negative comments about both of them - how the more muscular one is too thick and how the leaner one is too thin. We tell them all the time that NO ONE gets to comment on someone else's body, so if someone does it to them, I tell them the same thing I tell my kids. If grandparents did it after being told not to, I would tell them they won't see the kids anymore until they shape up. I don't really care what their intentions are, but I think there is so much out there regarding body issues that I refuse to let them hear that stuff if I can help it. I also don't ever want them thinking that they can say those things about anyone else. Maybe it's because I only have daughters, but this is always on my radar so I care about it a lot.

[Anonymous]

Both my mother and my MIL are commenting on how chubby my 2.5 month old baby is. She's 90th percentile for height and 75th for weight, and the pediatrician says she's perfect. I really worry about the world she has entered.

I agree also that you need to shut it down. I'm trying to do the same.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really have an answer but my girls are the same. My 9 year old is 90th percentile for height and weight and my almost 6 year old is 26th percentile for height and weight. Most people don’t say anything to the 9 year old but everyone is always saying how little the almost 6 year old is.

[Anonymous]

I would shut down any comparisons pretty quick. But comments about food in general do not bother me.

My younger sister(younger by a year) has always been thin, and I have usually been on the stocky side.

While family members commented on our food intake, the comments were never comparative.

They would worry about how skinny she was. On a completely different occasion, they would worry that I ate too much(I did, I love food). It never bothered me. It was just a fact that I ate too much.

We are both adults now, and we are very close. I still eat too much even though I am normal weight(size 10). My sister is still thin.

[Anonymous]

My sister is about 4 inches taller than I am and prob weighs the same or less. She is very very fit and always has been. I’m a bit soft. She wears a padded a cup bra and I wear a 34DDD.

She is much more fashionable than I am but is really lovely about complementing my clothes or suggesting things she’d wear if she had boobs (her words). More importantly she is an amazing mother and lovely source of support in my own parenting, gives great career advice, and has always been an advocate. I tend to be passionate and easily emotional. I cry more than weekly. She is stoic and I’ve seen her cry at funerals and her wedding and that’s about it.

Anyway, there are so many ways to be different and embrace it. I don’t now how we did okay on the body types without being competitive - my mom is very anti fat, comments on our bodies and those of our children (to us, not to them), at times has seemed like she may have an eating disorder, and told my pregnant sister in law how fat she looked. Anyhow, you can get really terrible messages - even from your mom- and still not be body type rivals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my mother and my MIL are commenting on how chubby my 2.5 month old baby is. She's 90th percentile for height and 75th for weight, and the pediatrician says she's perfect. I really worry about the world she has entered.

I agree also that you need to shut it down. I'm trying to do the same.

The number of facebook posts I had about my sons chubby thighs and cheeks is too high to count. Lots of people comment about chubby babies, chubby babies are cute and that baby fat is going to become an active toddler soon enough. It is the one time in a persons life that chubby is not said in. Negative context. At least, that is my experience. DS has always been in the 95% to 99% .

[Anonymous]

My girls are like this too. Both of the grandmas are obsessed with weight (their own and other people's) and I shut them down early and often when they discussed weight/dieting in front of the kids. My go to line was “We’re trying to raise healthy girls, so please don’t discuss this in front of them.” Kids are now tweens and the grands have gotten much butter, but of course they’re now getting more messages from people outside the family and from media. To combat that, we’ve had age-appropriate discussions from early elementary on about the messages girls and boys get about how they should look / act / be. If I read a book or article, I’ll summarize it and we’ll discuss. Or we’ll talk about movies / books / billboards / commercials, etc. that we see together. So far, they seem to have pretty healthy attitudes, although I worry about how hard it will be for the older (shorter & stockier) one as they move into their teens.

[Anonymous]

do they have same father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do they have same father?

What an idiotic, ignorant question.

My sisters and I are all 100% genetically related, and have different body types.

One is willowy and very petite, a size 2-4. I'm a size 4-6. We're the same short height, but I probably weigh 25lbs more than her, due to being more athletic and having more muscle mass and carrying more weight in my thighs/butt. This is normal in families.