How to keep DW in a positive mindset in the event that we have trouble conceiving?

[Anonymous]

DW and I have been married for almost two years, and we've decided to start TTC sometime before the end of 2019. Earlier this summer, SIL (DH's sister) and BIL got married. As they are older (35 and 39), SIL told DW that they'd be TTC themselves shortly after their wedding. Well, you can guess how this story goes; SIL and BIL announced that they are pregnant, and due in March.

While DW is very happy for them, she's become increasingly worried about us TTC, saying things like "lightning won't strike twice. We're going to have a lot of trouble getting pregnant." To be honest, DW can be a bit of a pessimist at times, so I'm worried that if we have trouble TTC in the short run (say 3-4 months), she'll get very down about our situation, especially as SIL's pregnancy progresses. For those who have been there before, what are some good ways to help keep DW positive in the event that we have trouble TTC?

[Anonymous]

If she's a pessimist by nature I'm not sure there is much you can do. What I'd do if I were you is agree going in that if you haven't conceived after 6 months of timed/planned/charted intercourse you'll both get tested. That way you can have a "plan" for if things don't go well right away, and maybe give her a window of not worrying before that.

[Anonymous]

You can't. Infertility is a tough thing emotionally. You can't just steel yourself for difficult emotions.

The best thing to do is use facts. 3-4 months is hardly a long time to try. But if she's being so dramatic before you've even started, I'd suggest doing some reading on conception etc. For both of you. Knowing more can only help.

[Anonymous]

How about you give it a try first? Lightning doesn't strike twice is for unlucky events. Most people don't have trouble conceiving.

[Anonymous]

How old are you guys?

Getting pregnant is not lightening striking. Getting pregnant for most people is really quite easy. It's a common occurrence happening all around us every single day. I say this as someone who had trouble getting pregnant. This is not something to worry about until it's a problem for you, which it most likely will not be.

I am also a worrier by nature, but she needs to work to get that under control and I've worked with a therapist to do so. "Sport worrying" as my spouse calls it, really does steal the joy from your life. Spending mental and emotional energy worrying about things that have not happened and may never happen is draining for her and draining for you as her spouse.

[Anonymous]

Have a plan that includes when you'll seek out help at the next level and when you start trying use real science to help you out.

By that I mean use ovulation prediction sticks.

I have a friend who it took more than a year to conceive and she was so depressed but wouldn't use OPKs because her husband told her THAT would make her stressed. But who knows if they were even DTD at the right time? Drove me nuts.

If you want to get pregnant and don't want to swim around in questioning feelings then approach it with a method with a high level of success (OPKs!!!) and make an appointment to see an RE if nothing has happened at 6 months. And don't be a lame jerk about refusing to get your semen tested if it gets to that point. Not saying you're that kind of guy but ALSO know women that went thorough all kinds of tests while their DH's refused and in the end it ended up being them that was the problem!

[Anonymous]

Sorry. You sound lovely, but you can't head off pessimism. Get ready for some tough parenting times.

[Anonymous]

I definitely think you and she can inform yourself about the basics of how to tell when she is ovulating (not at all hard) and make sure you're having sex during those times. That's all I would be planning for at this point.

The vast majority of people do not have fertility issues. Steeling yourself or planning for some infertility journey shouldn't even be on your or her radar at this point.

[Anonymous]

I've been going though fertility treatments and miscarried at 12 weeks and I'm trying again. It is so very difficult to have a positive mindset. My husband has been great but I've really been leaning on my mom for someone to speak with. What was really nice was a letter I got from my Dad who is likely clueless about all of IVF but who sure made me feel good about the life I have and will have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about you give it a try first? Lightning doesn't strike twice is for unlucky events. Most people don't have trouble conceiving.

I agree. Conceiving is not difficult for the VAST majority of couples. The lightning analogy is for BAD events.

[Anonymous]

I would ask her what role she would like you to take in the process. I would buy the book Taking control of your Fertility and educate yourself about TTC, but then I would follow her lead. Do not “mansplain” fertility or her body to her. If she wants you to be involved by helping her take her temp daily, ask her how that should go. Figure out what her love language is and pre-plan some things you can do to ease the disappointment and re-connect as a couple each month you don’t conceive. One of the hardest parts of my long fertility journey to IVF was that sex became a scheduled chore. It was important to take time to have sex just for fun and to talk about things other than TTC and children.

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds really unstable. Mentally and emotionally. Getting pregnant isn’t a big deal at all. Maybe you need to baby her a little and step in to figure out what she’s been reading. It must be some strange stuff.

The DCUM comments like “if I see a woman get pregnant after 35 then I just know she’s had IVF, no matter what she tells me” are written by insecure idiots who are miserable and are desperate to believe that other people must be miserable too. They are not based on reality.

Maybe just take her to a doctor to explain things properly to her. You can go with her as a kind of pre-ttc couples event. Then you can make sure she gets some good info.

[Anonymous]

First, you have no idea whether there will be trouble, so it's a bit premature to worry about how to handle the emotional aspects.

Second, it's not your job to keep her positive. Don't try to change or handle or manage her emotions. Listen to her if she's bothered by something before telling her why she shouldn't be bothered.

[Anonymous]

I think that it's pretty uncommon for people to have trouble. Most people get pregnant right away. That's the way it's supposed to work.

[Anonymous]

You really can't.

The good news is that your in laws' success means absolutely squat when it comes to you guys. A 35 year old woman conceiving quickly is not "lightning striking". A 45 years old, sure... but 35? Most of my friends had kids around that age and only a couple had trouble getting pregnant.

I had my kids at 36 and 38, by the way. No IVF.