How to keep DW in a positive mindset in the event that we have trouble conceiving?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I agree with the suggestions for you both to research TTC. Take control of what you can, like sorting out best times to try, and map out what you'll do if you don't conceive on your own after a certain time period. Doctors advise those under 35 to try for a year before consulting fertility specialists and those over 35 to try first for 6 months. I was similarly nervous about whether my DH and I would conceive--I had so many friends experience infertility--and that helped ease my anxiety.
While most people don't experience infertility, it doesn't mean that it's "easy" for most people to conceive. (Check out the TTC forum!) It took about 6 months to conceive my first child and then we conceived the second child on our first try. That first 6-month period of TTC felt so long to me. It's hard not to feel disappointed each month that it doesn't work. There is an element of chance to conception so you work to control what you can and increase the chance of conception. Also, maybe you both can plan other stuff to look forward to so that TTC isn't your only project, maybe fabulous weekend getaways or take classes together, etc. Good luck! |
Anonymous
|
PP here. I don't think you do anything to make your DW feel positive. You can support her but there's little you can do to change her feelings. I have some pessimistic tendencies and find it more helpful to think through different scenarios so that I have an idea of what I can do in the event of X, Y, or Z.
I don't recommend trying to make her feel more hopeful. Perhaps instead you can challenge her conclusions that you two won't conceive just because her sister did conceive so quickly. You know that her sister's pregnancy has nothing to do with her/your chances of conception. She probably knows that too but would benefit from someone kind and loving to walk through that with her while also acknowledging the uncertainty of TCC. |
Anonymous
|
I got pregnant at 35 without trying at all, and while using birth control. I have quite a few friends who conceived naturally in their mid-to-late 30's. Only a few had infertility issues that made it impossible to have children.
The statistics are likely on your side. But I worry that maybe she is way too invested in this whole "having kids" thing and you are in for a long road, if you guys aren't even trying and she's already this pessimistic. (has she ever been told she might not be very fertile? Does she have anything in her medical history that might make this hard?) |
Anonymous
|
OP here. DW's comment about "lightning doesn't strike twice," is in reference to the fact that SIL got pregnant on their first try (where "lightning striking," is getting pregnant so early in the TTC process).
A couple of other posters addressed that we should use as many available resources as possible (ex. ovulation tests). I think this is a great solution and hopefully she goes for it to. My other concern is more along the lines of how to handle her potential disappointment in relation to her sisters pregnancy. As SIL's pregnancy progresses and becomes more "real," I could see DW becoming disappointed, even after 3-4 months of TTC with no success. What's the best way to approach this? |
Anonymous
| I think the best plan it to hop to it. |
Anonymous
|
We've been there. 20 months TTC, we did 6 IUIs (paid by insurance), moved to IVF this cycle (paid by us) and finally am pregnant (yay). Our infertility was unexplained.
I don't think there is anything my husband could have done to prepare me for infertility specifically. He was always positive and proactive, which was great. But you can't take the grief or the jealousy out of someone's head/heart. It's just there. Probably the one saving grace was that we'd been saving money pretty aggressively during this period of TTC, so when it came time to move to IVF, we could pay for it without hardship. So I guess my advice is to be a nice guy (which it sounds like you have covered) and save some money - the extra cash will just be a fun bonus if you get pregnant easily. Best of luck to you. |
Anonymous
I think your DW will need to figure out how to best manage whatever disappointment, jealousy, etc, she may feel. Her reactions will of course affect you and it sounds like you have genuine concern for her well-being but you can't mitigate her feelings. She may well feel disappointed if you guys are still TTC throughout the sister's pregnancy. If it's not her sister having a baby, then it will be someone else--a colleague, a friend, a neighbor, or maybe the sister will have a second baby before you conceive the first. Once you start TTC, you'll likely notice pregnant women everywhere. You'll need to talk to your DW about how best to support her. Maybe she'll need to stay off social media so that she's not bombarded by announcements and photos of pregnant friends, maybe she'll need help with perspective (not getting pregnant in the first several months doesn't mean you'll never get pregnant). Maybe she could visit the DCUM TTC board and discuss her reactions with others likely feeling the same way. I think it's common to feel that disappointed and jealous when those close to you have a baby while you're not having luck (which may not be the case for you both). If that happens and your DW has significant problems managing those feelings or if they affect her relationship with you and her family, she should probably see a therapist (I mean that kindly). |
Anonymous
| TTC is the first step towards creating humans. She needs to be prepared to feel out of control for a lot of aspects of raising kids. There is no way to predict , unless she or you have an underlying issue, whether or not this will be a difficult task. We unexpectedly had fertility issues and needed assistance, although not IVF. The only thing I can say is try to have fun with it and remind her that help us out there if necessary. |
Anonymous
| Its concerning to me that a childless man married only 2 years is on a relationship forum on a parenting board. Perhaps there is more going on OP? Normal childless men don't frequent DCUM. |
Anonymous
Oh, shut up. |
Anonymous
I'm seriously trying to picture any man I know in real life, prior to the birth of his first child, posting on DCUM. I can't imagine any of them posting on here after they had kids either, but that is besides the point. |
Anonymous
|
Read the book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. The more you know, the better off you'll be. If you do run into problems, you'll both need testing to figure out what's wrong with which one of you. Some people end up experiencing "unexplained" infertility. There are support groups and online chat groups that are helpful for dealing with problems. Paying OOP for treatment is expensive, so save now if possible.
I understand OP's DW's fears. I experienced infertility and had to do IVF. After my experience and her friends' similar experiences, my sister had fears that she would also struggle and did not wait to TTC - she got pregnant immediately upon getting married. I think it's normal to want to start TTC ASAP if you are worried about possible infertility. However, there is no sense in worrying if you aren't trying yet (unless DW is already off birth control pills and not having normal cycles). |