What age is reasonable to expect good behavior from children?

[Anonymous]

At what age should you have an expectation that your child CAN AND WILL behave in, say, a store, restaurant,going to bed, etc. I’m not looking for “my 2.5 yo could sit in church quietly” kind of answers please- interested in real answers for when you think it’s developmentally appropriate for children to be able to control themselves and have self regulation during a non- preferred activity.

[Anonymous]

It just depends OP. A tired 5 year old can be harder than a 2 year old depending on the circumstances.

My personal experience, I'd say around 4 they can control their impulses pretty well.

[Anonymous]

There is no general answer to this, it depends on the kid and the context. Something short and engaging, maybe 3. Gradually longer and more taxing over time.

[Anonymous]

The things you mentioned, reliably by 3. Often by 2 though.

The church thing I disagree with on principle. I’d never make my kids sit through something like that.

[Anonymous]

I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

[Anonymous]

Around 3-4 consistently but not always. And only if not hungry, tired, getting sick, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Honestly, if I don't eat a meal, beware. And I'm almost 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

At 20, usually, maybe a year or two earlier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Honestly, if I don't eat a meal, beware. And I'm almost 40.

+1

I'm not sure what OP is expecting. Adults get tired, cranky, hangry. So do kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Honestly, if I don't eat a meal, beware. And I'm almost 40.

+1. I'm a terrible grouch when I don't get a good night's sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Honestly, if I don't eat a meal, beware. And I'm almost 40.

+1

I'm not sure what OP is expecting. Adults get tired, cranky, hangry. So do kids.

Ha yes, but most of us don’t have a meltdown if we are hungry right? Most adults can regulate until their next meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Honestly, if I don't eat a meal, beware. And I'm almost 40.

+1

I'm not sure what OP is expecting. Adults get tired, cranky, hangry. So do kids.

Ha yes, but most of us don’t have a meltdown if we are hungry right? Most adults can regulate until their next meal.

I will be damned if I’m hungry. Wait until the next meal and chic fil a messed up my order. I’m having a full blown meltdown!

But anyways, I don’t truly get what you are asking. For us, we are big on respect. So, I get you are tired, hungry or thirsty but you say it in a nice tone, you don’t demand it, and you don’t scream about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Honestly, if I don't eat a meal, beware. And I'm almost 40.

+1

I'm not sure what OP is expecting. Adults get tired, cranky, hangry. So do kids.

Ha yes, but most of us don’t have a meltdown if we are hungry right? Most adults can regulate until their next meal.

If that’s your goal, Op, to be able to take your kids to a store when they’re hungry or overtired and expect them to automatically self-regulate then the answer is never. Even in my marriage we prep each other for success and know each other’s weaknesses and triggers for bad moods or snap judgments and work around them. I don’t think either of us are particularly difficult people but we all have our triggers that make certain times less than ideal for accomplishing particular tasks. And as adults we get to decide when we’re truly up for something but kids never do and that makes it so much harder for them to consistently perform the way we’d like. So unless you’re talking about a crisis situation I don’t see why this would be your goal. And for those “we have no choice but to do this unpleasant task now” situations, I don’t think it’s general good behavior that you’re looking for but rather when kids are old enough to have the ability to be reasoned with when you explain that you understand they are struggling with XYZ but unfortunately in this rare situation you need them to power through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At what age should you have an expectation that your child CAN AND WILL behave in, say, a store, restaurant,going to bed, etc. I’m not looking for “my 2.5 yo could sit in church quietly” kind of answers please- interested in real answers for when you think it’s developmentally appropriate for children to be able to control themselves and have self regulation during a non- preferred activity.

You sound very detached from your child.
How old is your child now?