What age is reasonable to expect good behavior from children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age should you have an expectation that your child CAN AND WILL behave in, say, a store, restaurant,going to bed, etc. I’m not looking for “my 2.5 yo could sit in church quietly” kind of answers please- interested in real answers for when you think it’s developmentally appropriate for children to be able to control themselves and have self regulation during a non- preferred activity.

You sound very detached from your child.
How old is your child now?

He’s 4.5. Today we had planned to see some dinosaurs at a museum and then have lunch, and then head briefly to a church my brother wanted to see. Well, the museum part was easy. But the museum cafe was closed and only the coffee shop was open. And then, the 1 church tour turned into a two church tour, and then my SIL wanted to go to a polish deli across town, and we were in traffic for 40 minutes. Luckily, I was armed with: a sandwich, a water bottle, strawberries, two small oranges, and some misc toys in my purse. I ended up using all of these items. At what age do you feel you can just walk out the door and your child will go with the flow if the plan changes?

[Anonymous]

Sure, it depends on the child. I have two kids and they are very different. Eder started to control himself at age 3. What about my little kid, I found a great article on https://top-mom.com and started potty training

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age should you have an expectation that your child CAN AND WILL behave in, say, a store, restaurant,going to bed, etc. I’m not looking for “my 2.5 yo could sit in church quietly” kind of answers please- interested in real answers for when you think it’s developmentally appropriate for children to be able to control themselves and have self regulation during a non- preferred activity.

You sound very detached from your child.
How old is your child now?

He’s 4.5. Today we had planned to see some dinosaurs at a museum and then have lunch, and then head briefly to a church my brother wanted to see. Well, the museum part was easy. But the museum cafe was closed and only the coffee shop was open. And then, the 1 church tour turned into a two church tour, and then my SIL wanted to go to a polish deli across town, and we were in traffic for 40 minutes. Luckily, I was armed with: a sandwich, a water bottle, strawberries, two small oranges, and some misc toys in my purse. I ended up using all of these items. At what age do you feel you can just walk out the door and your child will go with the flow if the plan changes?

If this had happened to me, I would have needed all those items. Being an adult, I could just say at some point Thanks, I'm done, see you next time.

This is a LOT to expect of a 4 year old, even with support.

[Anonymous]

Constant good behavior 100% of the time? Never OP. At each stage of your child's life there will be behavioral issues. The issues will change with the stage of the child's life. When you resolve one issue, there will be a nice stage for a while where things are calm. Then another issue will pop up.

That's called parenting. It never ends, OP. It's up to you to help your children develop into maturity. YOU. They are not little adults or German Shepherds.

[Anonymous]

Your standards are way, way too high - and you sound terribly unsympathetic.

4.5 is still very young, but plenty of ten year olds (and older) struggle with going with the flow when plans change and things take longer than expected.

My kids are older and I still always have snacks in my bag, an activity or two, etc. You are in for a long journey if at 4.5 you’re upset you can’t just leave the hour with little to no prep work and expect your kid to enjoy a nearly full day outing.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 16 and 12, so while I am not packing snacks and toys anymore, if we are on all day outing and plans change and one says, "hey I'm hungry," we find food. I don't let them get to the hangry point just because they're older and should buck up. That makes people of all ages a cranky mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Honestly, if I don't eat a meal, beware. And I'm almost 40.

+1

I'm not sure what OP is expecting. Adults get tired, cranky, hangry. So do kids.

Oh come in. Assuming you’re in a public place or at work etc. you’re not going to have a screaming meltdown or start crying because you’re hungry or tired. I expect that what she’s asking. I would say around 5 depending on the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work really hard to set my kids up to succeed behavior-wise. I make sure they've peed, they're not hungry or thirsty, not over-tired, etc.

When I forget one of those, their behavior goes to crap. And I consider that my fault.

When I have all of those under control, I am 98% confident I will get good behavior from them by age 3.

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Honestly, if I don't eat a meal, beware. And I'm almost 40.

+1

I'm not sure what OP is expecting. Adults get tired, cranky, hangry. So do kids.

Oh come in. Assuming you’re in a public place or at work etc. you’re not going to have a screaming meltdown or start crying because you’re hungry or tired. I expect that what she’s asking. I would say around 5 depending on the kid.

When touristing, doing the museums and other things, we don't miss lunch. Or the kids and the adults will have meltdowns. OP's DC is normal, not badly behaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age should you have an expectation that your child CAN AND WILL behave in, say, a store, restaurant,going to bed, etc. I’m not looking for “my 2.5 yo could sit in church quietly” kind of answers please- interested in real answers for when you think it’s developmentally appropriate for children to be able to control themselves and have self regulation during a non- preferred activity.

You sound very detached from your child.
How old is your child now?

He’s 4.5. Today we had planned to see some dinosaurs at a museum and then have lunch, and then head briefly to a church my brother wanted to see. Well, the museum part was easy. But the museum cafe was closed and only the coffee shop was open. And then, the 1 church tour turned into a two church tour, and then my SIL wanted to go to a polish deli across town, and we were in traffic for 40 minutes. Luckily, I was armed with: a sandwich, a water bottle, strawberries, two small oranges, and some misc toys in my purse. I ended up using all of these items. At what age do you feel you can just walk out the door and your child will go with the flow if the plan changes?

I am 44 and would have gone nuts in there somewhere, personally. I have an almost 5 and the church tour is not something I would have tried but if we got past the first hour that would have been it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just depends OP. A tired 5 year old can be harder than a 2 year old depending on the circumstances.

My personal experience, I'd say around 4 they can control their impulses pretty well.

Spot on. Until around 4 they are still pretty crazy. But 5-7 is when you also hit the "willful disobedience" phase.

[Anonymous]

I have a 2.5 year old and a just turned 5 year old. Each of them alone can be very well behaved in most situations. Of course the 5 year old has better impulse control. But I will say, together with a buddy (with each other, or another small kid) they can quickly turn into HELLIONS. It's like they feed off the frantic energy and they turn into sassy, giggling maniacs who can be quite naughty VERY quickly.

So if I take one of them to a store, no problem. But with both of them, and me solo, the chances of them getting silly/hyper go up very quickly. So I don't do that if I can help it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age should you have an expectation that your child CAN AND WILL behave in, say, a store, restaurant,going to bed, etc. I’m not looking for “my 2.5 yo could sit in church quietly” kind of answers please- interested in real answers for when you think it’s developmentally appropriate for children to be able to control themselves and have self regulation during a non- preferred activity.

You sound very detached from your child.
How old is your child now?

He’s 4.5. Today we had planned to see some dinosaurs at a museum and then have lunch, and then head briefly to a church my brother wanted to see. Well, the museum part was easy. But the museum cafe was closed and only the coffee shop was open. And then, the 1 church tour turned into a two church tour, and then my SIL wanted to go to a polish deli across town, and we were in traffic for 40 minutes. Luckily, I was armed with: a sandwich, a water bottle, strawberries, two small oranges, and some misc toys in my purse. I ended up using all of these items. At what age do you feel you can just walk out the door and your child will go with the flow if the plan changes?

Wow. You need to simplify. That is WAY too much to expect that a 4.5 year old will behave, let alone behave without significant prep work/supports. You need to set your kids up for success. At 4.5 you should still just be planning on 1 indoor activity, lunch, then nothing else structured for a while. The fact that your 4.5 year old apparently got through that day without a major melt-down (which yeah, sounds hellish to me too as an adult) suggests that they are actually quite well behaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Often, adults cannot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a good way to frame it pp- here’s what I’m asking- if you don’t “set your kids up for success” - say they are out too late or hungry etc- when can they regulate? My 4.5 yo behaves great, but every outing includes a lot of prep from me- the timing, the snack, etc. We had a great day today but I am still heavily orchestrating that success. When can they regulate around their hunger, thirst, tiredness, overstimulation etc?

Often, adults cannot.

Right, and adults have the advantage of knowing they can control their level of stimulation, tiredness, thirst, and hunger, usually. A grown-up can decide to take a break when they want, eat or drink when they want, and decide to go to bed early if they are tired (even if they know that won't be for several hours). A 4.5 year old controls NONE of that. It's asking wayyyy too much to ask a 4.5 year old to self-regulate when the adults have not set up the environment for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age should you have an expectation that your child CAN AND WILL behave in, say, a store, restaurant,going to bed, etc. I’m not looking for “my 2.5 yo could sit in church quietly” kind of answers please- interested in real answers for when you think it’s developmentally appropriate for children to be able to control themselves and have self regulation during a non- preferred activity.

You sound very detached from your child.
How old is your child now?

He’s 4.5. Today we had planned to see some dinosaurs at a museum and then have lunch, and then head briefly to a church my brother wanted to see. Well, the museum part was easy. But the museum cafe was closed and only the coffee shop was open. And then, the 1 church tour turned into a two church tour, and then my SIL wanted to go to a polish deli across town, and we were in traffic for 40 minutes. Luckily, I was armed with: a sandwich, a water bottle, strawberries, two small oranges, and some misc toys in my purse. I ended up using all of these items. At what age do you feel you can just walk out the door and your child will go with the flow if the plan changes?

I would have found lunch after the museum and skipped the church tour entirely. I maybe would have found a play ground or a place to run around nearby while the other adults toured the church. My estimate is that you dragged your 4.5 year old around for at least 4 hours doing things where they had to use a lot of impulse control. Little kids need breaks form being told "come here, stand here, don't touch that, come over here, follow me" if you want them to behave.