Anyone else feel like they’re failing at parenting?

[Anonymous]

Objectively I know I’m not. I tend to be a glass half empty type of person and I’m working on that in therapy. My kid (8) is generally great, but I keep focusing on what I could have done better. He’s not great at using manners consistently, he doesn’t know how to swim well enough to pass the swim test yet or ride a 2 wheel bike. I know as a parent I should have pushed those things harder (swim & bike—we model and discuss using manners a lot), but there are just some things that have to be lower on the priority totem pole given time and resources.

Today is a beautiful day but DS doesn’t want to go to the pool because all of his friends have their swim bands and he doesn’t and he doesn’t want to practice in front of them understandably. We’ve had a private swim instructor lined up but she’s been unreliable and it’s been tough to find someone else at this point in the summer. We’ve just totally failed on the bike thing though, and DS hasn’t pushed it because it’s hard for him. We need to get him to do things that are hard for him and learn to overcome difficulties. I just don’t want him to feel left out or left behind due to us not pushing him to learn to do these things.

I’m probably just in a mood, but I feel like others around me have this parenting thing down better than I (we) do. I’m sure that everyone probably feels that way occasionally but I feel it pretty often. I just don’t want to mess it up, especially since we only have one.

[Anonymous]

I’m really feeling not cut out for parenting recently. We are just back from the vacation from hell. My 18-month-old acts like a demon-possessed baby terrorist. I’m so impatient with my four-year-old who is very sweet and smart but incredibly attention-seeking and becoming more defiant as 5 creeps closer. I feel like I can’t give either of them the kind of mom they need and deserve. I feel like it’s my fault my toddler is so difficult (and speech-delayed, to boot).

I’m messing it up every day. I try to tell myself other kids have had it much worse and come out the other side successfully, but it doesn’t stop the guilt. I just want to tap out.

I’m sorry I have no advice, only commiseration...but if it makes you feel better you’re probably doing it better than I am!

[Anonymous]

I do. My 3 yo and 6 mo have been sick with a bad virus for a week. I should have done a better job of keeping the lo from his big brother. Hearing him wheeze is awful. Maybe I should have made ds 1 wash his hands more often after pre school or the grocery store. I haven’t slept decently in 4 days and dh and I are snapping at each other. I am heavily relying on Daniel tiger since I got sick too. There is so much more that is beyond my control with parenting than anything else I’ve done. It’s very hard to adjust to that. I suppose a certain amount of worry/guilt is what makes us decent parents.

[Anonymous]

I do. I have a 6 yo DD who has been a total brat all day. It makes me worry about what kind of adult she'll be. I have a hard time reining in my own anger when she's like this, so I know I'm not modeling anything good either.

[Anonymous]

Yeah--I've been questioning my parenting skills lately because my 5yo is in a super defiant, ill-mannered phase. He doesn't listen, he whales on his older sister, he pinches, etc. It seems like nothing I do is working and he used to be a complete sweetheart. I don't remember his sister being like this (though she definitely had the same not listening/defiant streak at this age it wasn't as aggressive). When he acts like that, then his 8yo sister (who is normally pretty well behaved now) retaliates and it's just a downward spiral. I just feel like I'm constantly yelling or redirecting or being frustrated instead of enjoying my kids, and no one is getting enough attention. We just got back from vacation, and I feel like my kids are always the ones acting up in public and it's embarrassing.

For OP--the National Park Service does free learn to bike classes at Jones Point Park and Turkey Run Park. That's how my daughter learned to ride--and there were a mix of ages including adults. Here's the info: https://home.nps.gov/gwmp/planyourvisit/learntoride.htm
It's a one time class on a weekend morning so not a huge time commitment.

[Anonymous]

For swimming, you have to do it a few days a week. Montgomery County has daily summer classes. Doing it once a week for 30 minutes isn't helpful at all. Same with biking. You just need to spend a lot of time doing it. How about taking him to a different pool and working with him on it.

[Anonymous]

Take him to another pool? The only things you listed that I would worry about is his manners. Practice what you preach, and lead by example.

[Anonymous]

If you want to be a better parent, get off DCUM and take your kid for a walk and then out for an ice cream. Chat with him about Pokémon or whatever eight year old boys are interested in these days. Give him a few hours of your undivided attention, free of judgment or criticism of him or yourself. That is what matters.

[Anonymous]

OP--Time to step away from the computer and go out to enjoy this Sunday. Work on managing your own anxiety and depressive outlook with great intention.

Your kid will be fine. He'll be great at some things and have to work at other things. Be okay with that.

You will handle some things really well and other things you'll seem to mess up. Be okay with that.

[Anonymous]

My son was exactly like yours, OP. The swimming and biking things were unsurprising because he also walked late and never crawled. This isn’t terribly helpful but what worked for us was having a second child who was more naturally adept. She passed her swim test a week before he did and she’s two years younger. Ditto on riding the bike.

What really did help him (other than having a fire lit under him by baby sister!) is just time spent doing those things. Take him to a public pool where he doesn’t know anyone and just have him swim back and forth between you guys. DS took lessons but at some point he just needed to be in the pool practicing.

Also, REI teaches biking and they have the method down pat. Sign him up for that. I know several reluctant bikers for whom that worked.

[Anonymous]

From the mom of adult kids - the very fact that you pose the question tells me you are probably a very good mom. You will make mistakes along the way. Some of them very small. Some might be really big. The swimming band thing? Ask yourself if it will even matter in a year. He will learn to ride a bike when he is ready. Trust that your child is unique. You parent the kid you get, not the one you thought you would get. He is his own person with his own strengths and weaknesses. You are there to love him unconditionally.

Also, most eight year olds are inconsistent with manners. He’ll get there. You’re doing great!

[Anonymous]

Me. OP I have totally had a weekend like this.
My two DS are 4 and 6. Most of the boys in the neighborhood are a few years older and none that they really click with. DS6 is still on training wheels and so incredibly slow when biking. DS4 often still needs a nap so outings can be hit or miss depending on his tiredness (cranky) level. I feel a little isolated on weekends since our family isn’t pretty much always by ourselves.

I try to set up playdates, we’ve done camps, travel...but both are literally begging for school to start.

[Anonymous]

PP *is by ourselves

[Anonymous]

Re: the bike thing, not sure where you’re located but Fairfax County Parks has some kind of “bike-riding” class for age 5 and up. I think REI stores might have something like it too. Sometimes kids learn best from people not their parents, and that’s ok.

I can tell you’re a good parent by how you’re worrying about this stuff. My parents had not a single f*ck to give about how I couldn’t swim (still really can’t), and how I taught myself to ride a bike by pedaling in the grass where if I fell I wouldn’t get hurt.

[Anonymous]

My DD just finished the Fairfax County bike camp. It was great, they ride all day for a week so they really get the repetition. Training wheels come off on day 2. DD's not skilled yet but she's comfortable, which she wasn't even with training wheels a week ago.

Swimming, also, took off when we finally paid for private lessons (@ Kids First) plus went in the pool almost every day. Just repetition and attention from a non parent.