Anyone else feel like they’re failing at parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do. My 3 yo and 6 mo have been sick with a bad virus for a week. I should have done a better job of keeping the lo from his big brother. Hearing him wheeze is awful. Maybe I should have made ds 1 wash his hands more often after pre school or the grocery store. I haven’t slept decently in 4 days and dh and I are snapping at each other. I am heavily relying on Daniel tiger since I got sick too. There is so much more that is beyond my control with parenting than anything else I’ve done. It’s very hard to adjust to that. I suppose a certain amount of worry/guilt is what makes us decent parents.

Kids get sick, sh*t happens. It’s terrible to watch them suffer.

As a parent whose baby was admitted to the hospital with bronchiolitis, I just wanted to make sure you know what retractions look like on a baby that is having trouble breathing. If in doubt, get medical help! He’s fine now, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

No, I don’t feel this way. I’m doing fine and so are you. Your child will learn to swim, if not this summer, then over the winter, or next year. Maybe he’ll learn to ride a bike, maybe he won’t. He’s 8, automatic politeness is a process and will come over time. Your kid won’t be perfect but neither are you and it doesn’t mean your parents failed. Just do the best you can consistently and it will all be fine enough. You are putting far too much pressure on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Objectively I know I’m not. I tend to be a glass half empty type of person and I’m working on that in therapy. My kid (8) is generally great, but I keep focusing on what I could have done better. He’s not great at using manners consistently, he doesn’t know how to swim well enough to pass the swim test yet or ride a 2 wheel bike. I know as a parent I should have pushed those things harder (swim & bike—we model and discuss using manners a lot), but there are just some things that have to be lower on the priority totem pole given time and resources.

Today is a beautiful day but DS doesn’t want to go to the pool because all of his friends have their swim bands and he doesn’t and he doesn’t want to practice in front of them understandably. We’ve had a private swim instructor lined up but she’s been unreliable and it’s been tough to find someone else at this point in the summer. We’ve just totally failed on the bike thing though, and DS hasn’t pushed it because it’s hard for him. We need to get him to do things that are hard for him and learn to overcome difficulties. I just don’t want him to feel left out or left behind due to us not pushing him to learn to do these things.

I’m probably just in a mood, but I feel like others around me have this parenting thing down better than I (we) do. I’m sure that everyone probably feels that way occasionally but I feel it pretty often. I just don’t want to mess it up, especially since we only have one.

It gets better. The other day, I told my husband I wish I'd known what my DD was going to be like at 16 back when she was in 3rd grade and it was a struggle every single day to get her to do her summer work. This summer she's been doing it all on her own. She still doesn't love it, but she's doing it. I spent literally years wondering if she'd ever get to the point of accepting that there were some things she needed to do and she just needled to buckle down and get it over with. It took her a while, but she's there. Finally.

I agree with other PP's that if it's possible for you to take your son to another pool, just for lessons, that might help. It is so hard being odd man out, I feel for your son. And in this situation, I'd do what I could to work with his limitations.

And I have a story for you on the bike riding. My DD was learning how to ride a 2 wheeler when she was 4. We took the pedals and the training wheels off the bike she used when she was 2-4, turning it into a balance bike. It worked great for her. Our next door neighbors kids, 6 and 9, couldn't ride two wheelers either. They borrowed the balance bike and both of them learned how to ride 2 wheelers that summer. They looked a little bit ridiculous on that tiny little bike meant for a preschooler, but it was comfortable and not scary and they could zoom all over the place on it, and once they had balance on it translating it to a regular bike was natural.

I have an only child, too. And it is so easy to focus intently on where we failing, or where we're super worried about our kid. We only have the one. If you can, pick out some things your son does well so you can redirect your focus to that. My DD may have been impossible in 3rd (and 4th, and 5th, and 6th, and...) grade when it came to her summer homework, but she practiced piano without prompting. I'd just tell myself she has the ability to work at something when she sees value in it, so I needed to hope she'd be able to make the transition to work at something when she didn't see value in it. And it helped me make sure to let her know I saw her working at her piano pieces since I tended to spend too much time worrying and not enough time appreciating.

[Anonymous]

We just got back from the park and my 7 yo nephew was totally humiliated bc he cannot ride a bike or scooter. Poor kid had a meltdown bc my 4 yo (who is in no way advanced at gross motor) lapped him on the scooter while my nephew cranked on those training wheels. My nephew is totally capable of riding a bike. It’s just my lazy ass brother has not helped him in any way. He just sat on a bench while my nephew struggled. My nephew is now at home happily making Lego creations. He is a sweet and smart kid but he’s an indoor cat. I think you should put your kid in a camp for bike riding. And I call BS on the private swim. There are swim schools all over this town that do privates.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We went to the pool today and DS played with his friends and had fun. Some stayed behind in the shallow end with him which was nice. He didn't want to practice treading water or swimming with us. It's more of a confidence thing for him and he's afraid to actually take the test. The kids who have passed aren't necessarily stronger swimmers than he is, they were just more motivated to take the test. DS is afraid of trying things if he thinks he might fail. Same with the bike. That's one of the things we're really trying to help him with because it's a life skill he needs (trying even when things are hard). A lot of things like math and reading have come really easy to him but the physical stuff is harder so he kind of psyches himself out and tells himself he doesn't really care and when he gets that way it's hard to snap him out of it.

I think I'm just concerned he'll get left behind socially if he doesn't know how to do things that most kids his age know how to do. There are packs of kids riding bikes around the neighborhood and I just don't want DS to miss out on fun like that because we didn't push him hard enough to learn to do it. But we also don't want to push him too hard so it's a tough balance. I know I'm overthinking it. I just have this picture in my mind of him being left out and left behind and it breaks my heart. It's not reality yet, but it will be soon if we don't get on these things. I know it is legitimately hard for him because he doesn't have great core strength and had some gross motor delays. We did PT for a while and I have him on the waitlist for a few other providers in the area who don't have any current openings.

I just kind of feel like other people have a better sense of what to prioritize at certain ages and I have missed the memo on stuff like that. Parenting is such a big freaking responsibility that you don't really understand until you're in the thick of it.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think he's inherited a bit of your anxiety and you both worry a lot about failing. It's great that you're in therapy! One step at a time.

[Anonymous]

Meh, my kids cleaned and watched tv all day. We ate Wendy’s for dinner. You’re fine.

[Anonymous]

You are over thinking swimming and biking - they aren’t things kids generally just pick up. Swimming happened for my kids because I stuck them in Tom Dolan swim school when they were 18 months - it’s time to sign him up - the pool and social are 100x more fun when he can join in without hesitation. My kids learned to ride a bike because I taught them and bribed them heavily with a prize- they were both scared and cried but we muddled thru and both were riding within an hour. They would never have gotten there without the lessons or effort from us - if he’s anxiety ridden on the bike riding, take you out of the equation and send him to one of the classes - he isn’t going to freak out when surrounded by 20 other kids who also can’t ride and are scared - make it happen captain!

[Anonymous]

Omg OP. Internalize this- “my kid can do hard things”. You don’t believe it and neither does he. Sign him up for some classes, say “you got this” and chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really feeling not cut out for parenting recently. We are just back from the vacation from hell. My 18-month-old acts like a demon-possessed baby terrorist. I’m so impatient with my four-year-old who is very sweet and smart but incredibly attention-seeking and becoming more defiant as 5 creeps closer. I feel like I can’t give either of them the kind of mom they need and deserve. I feel like it’s my fault my toddler is so difficult (and speech-delayed, to boot).

I’m messing it up every day. I try to tell myself other kids have had it much worse and come out the other side successfully, but it doesn’t stop the guilt. I just want to tap out.

I’m sorry I have no advice, only commiseration...but if it makes you feel better you’re probably doing it better than I am!

Hey girl, I’m right there with you — kids slightly older but that feeling of not being enough for the older since I’m trying to keep the younger one alive is familiar. Vacation is a misnomer. It should be called, trying to relax while burning out bc I was on empty before this whole packing for several people and trying to tend to their needs while on the road thing went down. What gets to me is the feeling that it’s only going to get harder as they get older and more complicated, not easier. I know I need a break and reset. I just don’t know how to get it. My kids are great, I wish I could be worthy of them.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you sound like you really lack confidence. You don’t need a swim teacher or a lot of help with the bike. Just do it! Go to a different pool and HANDLE IT. Also go take him out on the bike and say things like “you can do this!” repeatedly. Pep talks and confidence!!

[Anonymous]

I don't know anyone who is 100% secure in their parenting skills. The ones who say they have it all figured out just have too much ego involved to say otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is a work in progress including parents. For something so important, it sure feels like we all have to just "wing it" a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP.

My son is 5 and he has been super fearful of the water all his life. It started turning around for us this winter when we went to Florida and he finally got comfortable enough to just stand in the pool holding onto the side. After that I took him and my younger son every weekend to the local public indoor pool by ourselves to just play in the water for recreational swim, and I signed him up for swim lessons. We also joined our neighborhood swim team and he joined the pre-team. We go to the pool almost every day after work and as much as we can on the weekends. He can now swim about 10 strokes in a row by himself. He still needs a lot of work but he has made great strides in learning how to swim. He also can’t ride a bike without training wheels so that is next on our list. It sucks because my husband is pretty f’ing lazy and will always find a reason why he can’t go outside and play with our kids, so I am basically on my own in teaching them these things. I did some google searches and it looks like the National Park Service has a learn to ride bike program that I am going to check out.

I think it would be really helpful if you take your son to the pool as much as humanly possible and get in the water with him to get him practice his swimming. I agree you may need to go to a different pool so he doesn’t know anyone so he won’t be embarrassed or intimidated. It is a big undertaking but both you and he can do it.

[Anonymous]

oh wait, me too! DS, 5, (currently featured in the "i am not happy to see you Mama" thread), generally refuses to use manners, beats the living sh*t out of his brother, father and me and currently has a rare bacterial skin infection from swimming in tainted water that will take 4 months of treatment with dual antibiotics to complete.

Other kid is much sweeter, but that's in jeopardy because his mentor/idol is his big brother. Separately, He won't put his face in the water to try to swim, and also won't spend the night in his own bed -- literally ever -- and is 3.5 y/o. Also yesterday he unveiled a hidden bag of peanut butter cups (no clue on origin) that was stored under his dresser for god knows how long and DH and I had no clue even existed. #winning.