Any BTDT keeping spouse on health insurance but not being together?

[Anonymous]

Been married 20+ years, one teen. Want to live apart from spouse due to dead marriage once teen is out of the house in a couple of years. No major marriage issues such as big fights, abuse, affairs, etc. — just growing apart, no emotional investment, don’t want to try to save the marriage. At the point where I’d rather start over alone, not sure if I would ever marry again.

Finances have always been separate except for joint account for household bills. My health insurance is much, much less than his, and I would like to keep him on because he is my child’s father, I do care about him in a non-romantic way due to shared history, etc., plus he earns half as much as I do.

Any advice about keeping him on my health insurance?

How about a legal agreement so that he cannot access my assets such as pension, TSAs, etc. even if we stay married (a post-nuptial agreement? does such a thing exist?)?

Anyone stay married for practical reasons but live separate lives?

Any other advice/suggestions from those who have BTDT?

Thanks in advance

[Anonymous]

Just get a divorce and make it clean. If he needed nursing home care/ran out of money the government would come after you as you are still married. He wants the divorce. Its not your responsibility to provide for his health insurance. That's part of being grown up and choosing to divorce/separate. Change your beneficiary to your kid on all your accounts. My parents stayed married for 10 years for the health insurance reason. They each started dating and it was a hot mess. Just do a clean break.

[Anonymous]

What does he want? If you separate and only to keep him on your health insurance and he loses access to the higher standard of living your income provides, why wouldn’t he file for divorce and get more? Talk to a lawyer and get advice on what would a divorce look like in your situation. I find it unlikely that he’ll be satisfied with being cut loose with your health insurance when he can get his share of the marital assets, retirement, etc. Through a divorce. You need to have an idea where he’s coming from and get some legal advice.

[Anonymous]

I have been on my STBxH healthy insurance.. We have been separated 4 years. I can't remember all the legal stuff now, it was years ago.

He will keep me on until our kids are off and then he will switch to a single person option. At that time I will switch to a self only healthy care plan.

It's stupid to waste money if you don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Bumping

[Anonymous]

He can always cobra.

[Anonymous]

Clean, equitable split. Once he has half the marital assets, he can budget to pay his own health insurance.

You can also pay short-term alimony while he gets his financial life together (finding a higher-paying job, etc), if you are truly concerned.

[Anonymous]

I have a cousin who is still married in order to be on her husband’s insurance. They both live with someone else! I’m not close enough to her to know how this is working out but it has been going on for years. Is it legal? Seems like insurance fraud to me but maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Yes, a post-nup is an option.

When I met my husband he was still legally married to his (now ex-)wife. They'd been separated 5 years with no intention of getting back together. Sole reason for not divorcing was so she could be on the health insurance.

He's kind hearted. But he also didn't have appropriate boundaries with her. I wish during their separation she'd taken steps to become independent (find a job with insurance, which she could have if she were more together). She didn't.

When we became serious he told her he was finalizing the divorce in six months. He wished he'd done it sooner and just had a clean split earlier.

[Anonymous]

There’s no reason to do it under ACA. Too many other options, including Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a cousin who is still married in order to be on her husband’s insurance. They both live with someone else! I’m not close enough to her to know how this is working out but it has been going on for years. Is it legal? Seems like insurance fraud to me but maybe not.

Nope. It's insurance shrewd, but not a fraud.

[Anonymous]

Why would he want this arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would he want this arrangement?

Health insurance would be so much cheaper if he stayed on my plan (my county employee plan vs. his company’s astronomical insurance plan).

In a few years I plan to retire and will have to pay a much larger percentage of my health plan, but it would still be a lot less than what he would have to pay for his own company’s insurance with worse benefits. We are in our early 50’s. I earn about 110K, he earns about half that.

Of course, if he wanted to forego this arrangement and remarry down the line, that would be fine. I guess I just like the idea that I could possibly continue to provide good health coverage at a reasonable cost for the father of my child, which is something I always assumed I would do before realizing I don’t want to share a household with him anymore and eventually desire a separate life.

As far as him pursuing alimony and assets in the case of divorce, I like to think he’d take the high road and be embarrassed to pursue these since he has no real claim to them (I’ve always been the one who’s paid more, parented more, etc., and my assets have always been own), plus there’s a cultural element that I think would discourage him from doing this. If we were to just separate so he could stay on my health insurance, I would have him sign a post-nuptial agreement to hopefully protect my assets and set other financial boundaries.

Hoping maybe mediation would help us come to a satisfactory arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been on my STBxH healthy insurance.. We have been separated 4 years. I can't remember all the legal stuff now, it was years ago.

He will keep me on until our kids are off and then he will switch to a single person option. At that time I will switch to a self only healthy care plan.

It's stupid to waste money if you don't have to.

If he is your soon-to-be-ex, you can't stay on his insurance once he actually is your ex.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whose parents lived in separate states or countries for decades but never officially divorced. They eventually divorced because wife wanted to remarry.

I had a friend who couldn’t marry her fiancé because he had gotten married young and it ended but never officially divorced. They had a wedding and have 2 kids now. I am not sure if they ever legally got married. I only see her at big events like baby showers and weddings.