creeped out by teen swim coach's interest in DS

[Anonymous]

our community has young teens mentor the newest members of the swim team -- a generally sweet arrangement that is treasured in our community.

this was our family's first year on the team and as time went on, we became increasingly uncomfortable with the 13-year-old coach's behavior towards DS, 5. He insisted on getting a hug from DS at the end of every practice and instead of bending over, to hug around arms/shoulders, would essentially shove DS's face at his crotch region while wearing a speedo -- saying "I'm not gonna let you leave without a hug. I demand a hug. You need to work on your hugging. Now hug me... good boy."

They were never alone together and practice occurs in an open pool with parents and others watching, but DH and I started to get very uncomfortable with physical level of things. We started telling the kid that a high-five alone was fine etc and to respect our son's desire for space, not hugging.

Then the kid tells me he wants to have DS over to his house to hang out as a "reward" for his hard work this season -- seriously WTF is wrong with this kid. I blew him off. Then season ends, breathe sigh of relief and run into kid again at pool and the kid AND HIS MOTHER approach us about having our 5-year-old over. Obviously we won't allow this to happen but I honestly don't know how to handle because I don't want my son exposed to this kid again next year at the pool. I also don't want to complain to the head coach and smear a teenager's reputation when I just feel he is creepy and don't have any concrete evidence of inappropriate behavior.

how should we handle?

[Anonymous]

Find another team

[Anonymous]

He was his assigned buddy?

[Anonymous]

Remember that the 13 year old is a kid too, and needs some guidance. Not sure how to get it to him.

[Anonymous]

Yep they were assigned to work together. Mom of teen said he'd request to work with DS again next summer -- that is the last thing we want to happen but I don't want to abandon community swim team over this.

[Anonymous]

Do you know anyone close to the mom. She needs to know how her teen is being perceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep they were assigned to work together. Mom of teen said he'd request to work with DS again next summer -- that is the last thing we want to happen but I don't want to abandon community swim team over this.

Just say that you want your kid to have a different buddy.

[Anonymous]

Tell the people in charge you'd like your son to have a different buddy/mentor next year.

Tell the mom "That's so sweet - thank you for the invite, but DS isn't ready for playdates with teenagers yet. I'm sure we'll see you around!" AND ThEN WALK AWAY.

Tell your son it's okay to say "No, I don't want to hug you." TO ANYONE HE WANTS.

[Anonymous]

I'd mention your concerns to the coach. It will happen with another kid eventually. You can do it kindly. Hopefully they will address it with the kid/parent.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I would say something, gently, to the mom. I would want to know if it was my kid.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell the head coach. And please do. I have 2 young sons and this would disturb me as well.

When you talk to the head coach, you can come at it from the perspective of, "We are being very solid with DS about this messaging, that he's not to go near someone's private area, and I don't want the issue being confusing for him if he thinks it's okay sometimes and not other times. Nobody should be going near his private area and he shouldn't be needing to touch someone else's either. Certainly not people from his swim team or his coaches." etc etc. And you should also make it clear that you'd be willing to leave over this, and also that you've discussed it with other moms who have agreed that they would not like it either. Don't let them downplay your concerns.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a socially awkward kid to me and I think talking to the coach or the parents would be overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell the head coach. And please do. I have 2 young sons and this would disturb me as well.

When you talk to the head coach, you can come at it from the perspective of, "We are being very solid with DS about this messaging, that he's not to go near someone's private area, and I don't want the issue being confusing for him if he thinks it's okay sometimes and not other times. Nobody should be going near his private area and he shouldn't be needing to touch someone else's either. Certainly not people from his swim team or his coaches." etc etc. And you should also make it clear that you'd be willing to leave over this, and also that you've discussed it with other moms who have agreed that they would not like it either. Don't let them downplay your concerns.

P.S. I would also say, from what you wrote, that my guess is that the boy is socially awkward in general, doesn't relate to people well or have many friends, and that this is the reason the mom in particular is jumping on the chance to have a "friend" for the boy to have a playdate with. So I'd try to have a bit of compassion when talking to people about it, but yeah, it's definitely inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like a socially awkward kid to me and I think talking to the coach or the parents would be overreacting.

It kind of seems like you are underreacting. She could approach the head coach with lots of caveats, e.g., tell him that maybe she is overreacting and that she m owe older kid is just a kid and likely means no harm at all, but...

The coach needs to know before he is assigned as a mentor next year.

[Anonymous]

I’d request not to be paired with him next year. I’d also tell the coach to work with that young teen on appropriate behavior with others.

FWIW, the swim coach molested my sister in the pool surrounded by parents and other people. You can’t see what hands are doing underwater. Keep that in mind.