Narcissistic mother rewriting history

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have experience with a narcissistic mother or parent trying to rewrite history, now that you are an adult? I have come so far from cowering under her cruelty as a child, and know that one of the narcissist’s tools is to make you question your own reality. My memories are clear but she is so skilled at the manipulation that I l no longer know what’s real. My husband is charmed by her and doesn’t believe me, and vocally sides with her.

Please help. I’m desperate.

[Anonymous]

Why do you still have contact with her? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

What kind of history is she rewriting?

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband to back off! You lived your childhood, he did NOT!

[Anonymous]

To the person who asked why I still speak to her, I don’t even know where to start. When I was a child, she ran very hot and cold. I was a smart child
and she thought I was beautiful, so she took great pride in those things. But she had a mean streak that was unbearable. If I did something to offend her, she would call me terrible names, worthless brat, spoiled, greasy hair, Veruca Salt was her favorite. In elementary school she’d take me shopping and if I didn’t like an outfit she thought looked good on me, she wouldn’t speak to me for several days. Each time I’d end up begging for her forgiveness after days of silent treatment and one word answers. This would please her and then everything would be fine again. My father was abusive. I can’t bear to put into words what transpired, but she became aware several years after I finished college. She now likes to tell me that she understands why I was such an awful daughter to her growing up, because it was what my father was doing to me and I took it out on her. No realization that they both were contributors in different ways.

Over the years as I’ve had my own personal and professional successes the hurt has dissipated but is still there under the surface. I am no longer in contact with my father for obvious reasons but don’t want to lose my entire family. I now have, based on an event that just transpired. When I muster the courage and, quite frankly, the anger to call her out on what she’s doing, she responds by condescendingly apologizing for being less successful than me and low class, which I further call her out on for being nonsense (it truly is nonsense; I never think of her this way).

As with so many of these posts seeking family advice, this barely scratches the surface. I could use some words from your experiences that things get better on the other side. I’m feeling so lost.

[Anonymous]

Divorce your husband asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have experience with a narcissistic mother or parent trying to rewrite history, now that you are an adult? I have come so far from cowering under her cruelty as a child, and know that one of the narcissist’s tools is to make you question your own reality. My memories are clear but she is so skilled at the manipulation that I l no longer know what’s real. My husband is charmed by her and doesn’t believe me, and vocally sides with her.

Please help. I’m desperate.

Yes! And it never ends. I just choose not to participate as something that I can’t win.
Find other people to act as your ‘family’ and stop looking to mom for - anything.

[Anonymous]

From experience with a narcissistic mother, it does no good to confront them. However, if you want to do it, just for YOUR sake, then go ahead. But please know that you will not get anything from her.

Also, you need to have a serious talk with your husband, something is off there.

[Anonymous]

Minimal contact and therapy. It's the only way to have peace.

If not, just like old scars when weather changes, it hurts for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom isn’t narcissistic but borderline which includes a much broader spectrum of crazy behaviors. In your mom’s case, there’s several elements which indicate borderline personality disorder. Splitting which basically means that you are seen as either either all good or all bad. Emotional manipulation By not speaking with you For several days to punish you until you beg her. And the gaslighting which basically refers to her denying the truth. I just figured out this myself over the weekend Because I grew up with my mother who is very similar to yours. For years, I thought she had depression and anger management issues but I could never explain the mind games. On some level, living with a borderline parent Reminds me of an abusive intimate partner relationship Because the borderline parents will say things like “oh if you were a good child I wouldn’t have had to hit you” and there are Moments of clarity in which the parent can appear genuine and loving. So you the victim live for those moments when the borderline is “normal”. If you want to get in touch, here’s my throwaway email: nerina.p2010 at gmail.com. Anyone else who wants to commiserate, you’re welcome to email me too.

[Anonymous]

Eh, old people will sometimes embellish stories or exaggerate anecdotes. It isnt that uncommon. You should hear some of the war stories and the like grandpa tells the kids; it gets better everytime (and yes, he repeats himself).

Having said that, is your mom starting to have memory slip ups so she just fills in what (and how) she wants to remember it? Also, her perspective is way different than yours (especially if they are stories from your childhood).

Can you give examples? Your post is vague and generalized and it is hard to discern how much you should read into it.

[Anonymous]

OP at least you were beautiful.
I was not. I was smart and musically very accomplished from
A young age ( dud the premieres of compositions starting in my early teens). My mother would take me shopping and buy the ugliest clothes because I was on the heavy side. She would tell me stuff like “ why would people attend your concerts when they always have to close their eyes”?
My dad was nice to me when she was not around but physically abusive to me otherwise ... to please her.

She broke up every good relationship I had. I have not talked to her for a long time, but she still gossips about me and belittles me when she sees my children.
As for rewriting history, she always remembers bits and pieces of reality— never the whole story— in order to justify her terrible attitude towards me.
My husband ( dead marriage) likes her too because they are very similar. I wish I could divorce but I simply can’t because of financial issues ( I work, he does not).

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. Have you been to therapy? This could help you acknowledge her behavior and figure out what to do going forward. First step is to limit contact with your mother AND tell your DH that his job is to support you. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

My mom has PTSD from my dad abusing her and BPD. She does this. It has been very hurtful, but now I simply refuse to discuss the past with her.

[Anonymous]

Rewriting history is how your mom copes with herself. She has to recast stories so she’s much less awful than reality or her mind can’t tolerate herself.

And, yeah, stay away from her and fix the husband problem.

Either this is a troll, or you deserve a lot more assistance and therapy than dcum can provide.