Narcissistic mother rewriting history

Anonymous
I challenge my bpd mother on her history rewrites. Stating it factually just doesn’t work. I say something like “this conversation is heading towards crazy town, and I’m not joining along” or “I think you’ve had a break with reality. Please see a doctor” and end the conversation. Get up and walk away if she’s right in front of you. Just leave. It’s the only thing that helps.

You need to have an honest talk with your husband about how she’s treated you. Tell him not to encourage her, even if he thinks it will placate her. It won’t, ever. It just adds fuel to the fire. Get him a book on bpd.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am worried that you chose a husband who is replicating your mother’s behavior by not believing you and making you doubt your own reality. Therapy stat, please, OP.


Second this recommendation. Your mother is a problem, but your husband is the bigger problem in your life right now. They're both gaslighting you, but you live with him which means you're more exposed to his emotional abuse.

You really do need the help of a skilled therapist yesterday.
Anonymous
She sounds like a narcissist to me. Being able to charm someone else, rewrite the narrative to make them look grand and you look crazy is part of a narcissists playbook. She wants to isolate you and have you question yourself so she can insert her own reality that makes her look the way she wants.

I agree with others though that you need to get your husband not to walk into her trap. He should be able to see it and its concerning that you can't.

Narcissists can really make you think that you must be crazy and leave you wondering how you ended up in this situation with her.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a narcissist to me. Being able to charm someone else, rewrite the narrative to make them look grand and you look crazy is part of a narcissists playbook. She wants to isolate you and have you question yourself so she can insert her own reality that makes her look the way she wants.

I agree with others though that you need to get your husband not to walk into her trap. He should be able to see it and its concerning that you can't.

Narcissists can really make you think that you must be crazy and leave you wondering how you ended up in this situation with her.


+1

OP, go no contact with mom for a bit. Tell your husband no contact. If DH doesn’t listen you’ll know everything you need to about your marriage.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom isn’t narcissistic but borderline which includes a much broader spectrum of crazy behaviors. In your mom’s case, there’s several elements which indicate borderline personality disorder. Splitting which basically means that you are seen as either either all good or all bad. Emotional manipulation By not speaking with you For several days to punish you until you beg her. And the gaslighting which basically refers to her denying the truth. I just figured out this myself over the weekend Because I grew up with my mother who is very similar to yours. For years, I thought she had depression and anger management issues but I could never explain the mind games. On some level, living with a borderline parent Reminds me of an abusive intimate partner relationship Because the borderline parents will say things like “oh if you were a good child I wouldn’t have had to hit you” and there are Moments of clarity in which the parent can appear genuine and loving. So you the victim live for those moments when the borderline is “normal”. If you want to get in touch, here’s my throwaway email: nerina.p2010 at gmail.com. Anyone else who wants to commiserate, you’re welcome to email me too.


This. Many have said narcissist but many BPD cases have comorbidity with narcissism. Narcissism is quite consistent but borderlines live in chronic irrationality.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a narcissist to me. Being able to charm someone else, rewrite the narrative to make them look grand and you look crazy is part of a narcissists playbook. She wants to isolate you and have you question yourself so she can insert her own reality that makes her look the way she wants.

I agree with others though that you need to get your husband not to walk into her trap. He should be able to see it and its concerning that you can't.

Narcissists can really make you think that you must be crazy and leave you wondering how you ended up in this situation with her.


I agree with most of this (paragraphs 1 & 2 are spot on), but one big issue is that the husband doesn't believe OP. OP's husband should trust what OP says, no matter how charming OP's mom is. But instead he just invalidates what OP is telling him and disregards what OP says her mom has done to her. This is a huge red flag and honestly I don't see how OP could consider staying married to him once she starts seeing things clearly.

OP, please get solo counseling, just you and the therapist. Don't do marriage counseling or you're just opening it up for your husband to gaslight you AND the therapist and set you back even further. Plus it seems like a waste of time and money to try to repair your marriage. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and are still going through. ***HUGS***
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom isn’t narcissistic but borderline which includes a much broader spectrum of crazy behaviors. In your mom’s case, there’s several elements which indicate borderline personality disorder. Splitting which basically means that you are seen as either either all good or all bad. Emotional manipulation By not speaking with you For several days to punish you until you beg her. And the gaslighting which basically refers to her denying the truth. I just figured out this myself over the weekend Because I grew up with my mother who is very similar to yours. For years, I thought she had depression and anger management issues but I could never explain the mind games. On some level, living with a borderline parent Reminds me of an abusive intimate partner relationship Because the borderline parents will say things like “oh if you were a good child I wouldn’t have had to hit you” and there are Moments of clarity in which the parent can appear genuine and loving. So you the victim live for those moments when the borderline is “normal”. If you want to get in touch, here’s my throwaway email: nerina.p2010 at gmail.com. Anyone else who wants to commiserate, you’re welcome to email me too.


This. Many have said narcissist but many BPD cases have comorbidity with narcissism. Narcissism is quite consistent but borderlines live in chronic irrationality.


It's frustrating how so many people can't seem to tell the difference between borderlines and narcs: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201406/the-borderlinenarcissistic-mother
Anonymous
To be fair, there are borderlines who have narcissistic traits.

But honestly, the diagnosis isn’t important. A lay person isn’t qualified to diagnose anyway. All that matters is whether OP can tolerate the behavior and whether the mother consistently violates reasonable norms and requests. If the behavior is intolerable and the mother is a boundary violator, then there is a limited set of solutions —reduced or no contact, very strict boundaries if there is contact, and therapy.

OP, keep in mind also that DCUM is often an infotainment website. This is a hard place to get good advice about difficult topics.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:To be fair, there are borderlines who have narcissistic traits.

But honestly, the diagnosis isn’t important. A lay person isn’t qualified to diagnose anyway. All that matters is whether OP can tolerate the behavior and whether the mother consistently violates reasonable norms and requests. If the behavior is intolerable and the mother is a boundary violator, then there is a limited set of solutions —reduced or no contact, very strict boundaries if there is contact, and therapy.

OP, keep in mind also that DCUM is often an infotainment website. This is a hard place to get good advice about difficult topics.


NP here. My mom is borderline AND a narc. She thinks nothing of trotting me out like some horse and pony show to meet her 'friends', and if I don't comply she starts saying I don't care about her and that her friends aren't important to me. It's obvious to me that she's setting all these 'tests' to confirm my loyalty to her or whatever BS parameter she has in her mind. The level of badgering from her over decades has worn me down so much I've decided not to see her next time I'm in town although she has Stage 4 cancer. Boundaries don't work with borderlines because they cannot appreciate anyone else's point of view. They cannot put themselves in YOUR shoes and they don't care or don't think about the distress they are causing to YOU. It's eff-ed up and it is what it is. I've told my mom to "RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES" and her only response is to glare at me and pout like a child before deflecting ("No, if only you had...."). Maybe some adult children set themselves up to be martyrs and take the bad behavior but not me.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a narcissist to me. Being able to charm someone else, rewrite the narrative to make them look grand and you look crazy is part of a narcissists playbook. She wants to isolate you and have you question yourself so she can insert her own reality that makes her look the way she wants.

I agree with others though that you need to get your husband not to walk into her trap. He should be able to see it and its concerning that you can't.

Narcissists can really make you think that you must be crazy and leave you wondering how you ended up in this situation with her.


I agree with most of this (paragraphs 1 & 2 are spot on), but one big issue is that the husband doesn't believe OP. OP's husband should trust what OP says, no matter how charming OP's mom is. But instead he just invalidates what OP is telling him and disregards what OP says her mom has done to her. This is a huge red flag and honestly I don't see how OP could consider staying married to him once she starts seeing things clearly.

OP, please get solo counseling, just you and the therapist. Don't do marriage counseling or you're just opening it up for your husband to gaslight you AND the therapist and set you back even further. Plus it seems like a waste of time and money to try to repair your marriage. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and are still going through. ***HUGS***


I essentially married my narc mother. Be careful with what you share with your dh until you have worked through a lot of this yourself. Anything you tell him is ammunition. Dh and I did couples counseling and it was a disaster. There are some youtube videos with good advice on living/dealing with narcissists. I like Michele Lee Nieves.
Anonymous
OP here. I appreciate all of your feedback. I agree with all of you that therapy is a must.

Although I obviously can't diagnose her, those who suggested she is BPD are likely correct. I did not previously understand the differences between BPD and narcissim, but this sounds much more like her personality and situation. It's heartbreaking for those of us that have experienced this kind of parenting, and I appreciate the fact that I can now learn more about the parent/child dynamic within these types of relationships. I hope for all of you that have a parent like this find your own strength as well.


Anonymous
I have a narcissistic mother who rewrites history but my husband would NEVER believe her over me. Your husband problem is much, MUCH bigger than your mother problem.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP at least you were beautiful.
I was not. I was smart and musically very accomplished from
A young age ( dud the premieres of compositions starting in my early teens). My mother would take me shopping and buy the ugliest clothes because I was on the heavy side. She would tell me stuff like “ why would people attend your concerts when they always have to close their eyes”?
My dad was nice to me when she was not around but physically abusive to me otherwise ... to please her.

She broke up every good relationship I had. I have not talked to her for a long time, but she still gossips about me and belittles me when she sees my children.
As for rewriting history, she always remembers bits and pieces of reality— never the whole story— in order to justify her terrible attitude towards me.
My husband ( dead marriage) likes her too because they are very similar. I wish I could divorce but I simply can’t because of financial issues ( I work, he does not).


What?

You let your mother around your kids so she can say horrible things about you? And you're the breadwinner but you won't leave your awful husband? You need serious help.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP at least you were beautiful.
I was not. I was smart and musically very accomplished from
A young age ( dud the premieres of compositions starting in my early teens). My mother would take me shopping and buy the ugliest clothes because I was on the heavy side. She would tell me stuff like “ why would people attend your concerts when they always have to close their eyes”?
My dad was nice to me when she was not around but physically abusive to me otherwise ... to please her.

She broke up every good relationship I had. I have not talked to her for a long time, but she still gossips about me and belittles me when she sees my children.
As for rewriting history, she always remembers bits and pieces of reality— never the whole story— in order to justify her terrible attitude towards me.
My husband ( dead marriage) likes her too because they are very similar. I wish I could divorce but I simply can’t because of financial issues ( I work, he does not).


What?

You let your mother around your kids so she can say horrible things about you? And you're the breadwinner but you won't leave your awful husband? You need serious help.


Sounds like the PP wouldn't like to pay him alimony if they divorce. It's not that unusual ...why do you think so many men stay married until after retirement so that their wives can't get their pension/assets/child support payments (kids will then be over 18)?
Anonymous
She will never change. Cutting contact was the only way I was able to find peace and move on from the resentment and negativity.
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