weird, controlling vibe from one of DD's friends

[Anonymous]

Girls are 13/14, incoming 8th graders. One of her friends is really mean to DD, frequently talks about her, says stuff like "I was with Larla and Imogen today and they were both talking about how bad you put makeup on", is sarcastic, etc. but then will yell at DD and send her text bombs about what a terrible friend she is if she hangs out with other people, "I don't know what I did to deserve you treating me this bad", "I guess we're just not friends like I thought we were."

I want DD to drop this friend. No one should have to wake up to 10 text messages about what a terrible person they are just because they dared hang out with a different group of friends. But she won't, because she doesn't want to be "mean" (Well who would "Sarah" hang out with then?"). Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I would sit my child down and explain in the fullest possible way about these types of frenemies, and tell her that they are harming her. I would give her some time to separate from these friends all on her own, but I would check in every now and then.

[Anonymous]

This is why I didn't teach my kids to give tons of chances. Three strikes and you're out. And it's okay to be mean to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girls are 13/14, incoming 8th graders. One of her friends is really mean to DD, frequently talks about her, says stuff like "I was with Larla and Imogen today and they were both talking about how bad you put makeup on", is sarcastic, etc. but then will yell at DD and send her text bombs about what a terrible friend she is if she hangs out with other people, "I don't know what I did to deserve you treating me this bad", "I guess we're just not friends like I thought we were."

I want DD to drop this friend. No one should have to wake up to 10 text messages about what a terrible person they are just because they dared hang out with a different group of friends. But she won't, because she doesn't want to be "mean" (Well who would "Sarah" hang out with then?"). Any advice?

Mum of grade 9 DD here. these years are tough.

If it were me, I'd probe why your DD doesn't want to be "mean", because that's really the issue here imo. Ask open ended questions and try and suspend judgement. Ideally, you want your DD to come to the conclusion these girls aren't her friends herself. Then, if she does, be ready with strategies/ideas for her about how to deal with them/remove herself from them.

good luck...

[Anonymous]

previous PP here...also, it helps to point out that she's not responsible for making other people happy.

[Anonymous]

Just some functional advice for symptoms, not the disease:

With respect to the texting, your DD has to teach the controlling friend (CF) the rules about how they will text together. That sounds kind of weird, but we teach each other how to communicate with each other all the time. And how not to communicate with each other. This is done by example. Pick what makes sense and stick to it. Here is one example:

You and DD decide that since it's no fun to wake up to 10 texts, you will teach CF to not do this. BTW CF's late night dramatic texts are no fun either, so let's work on that as well.

First, DD makes offhand comment to CF that mom takes the phone away at 8pm, and DD doesn't look at it before school.

From that moment onward, DD does not reply to any text that comes in after 8pm. CF will be super-pissed at first (google "extinction phase") and try and text her after 8pm, and the next morning, but DD must hold her ground and not text back.

When DF confronts DD about it at school, DD just says, casually, "oh, did you send that text after 8? I can't text after 8. I don't look at my phone before school. oops, I didn't see it."

CF will learn to stop trying after 8pm and before school. Reminder though, it will get worse before it gets better, due to extinction phase of behavior (akin to kicking the vending machine when it doesn't give you the coke. Lots of kicks, then person quits kicking and walks away. DD will be the vending machine. She will get kicked some, but if she doesn't give up the coke, CF will quit)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just some functional advice for symptoms, not the disease:

With respect to the texting, your DD has to teach the controlling friend (CF) the rules about how they will text together. That sounds kind of weird, but we teach each other how to communicate with each other all the time. And how not to communicate with each other. This is done by example. Pick what makes sense and stick to it. Here is one example:

You and DD decide that since it's no fun to wake up to 10 texts, you will teach CF to not do this. BTW CF's late night dramatic texts are no fun either, so let's work on that as well.

First, DD makes offhand comment to CF that mom takes the phone away at 8pm, and DD doesn't look at it before school.

From that moment onward, DD does not reply to any text that comes in after 8pm. CF will be super-pissed at first (google "extinction phase") and try and text her after 8pm, and the next morning, but DD must hold her ground and not text back.

When DF confronts DD about it at school, DD just says, casually, "oh, did you send that text after 8? I can't text after 8. I don't look at my phone before school. oops, I didn't see it."

CF will learn to stop trying after 8pm and before school. Reminder though, it will get worse before it gets better, due to extinction phase of behavior (akin to kicking the vending machine when it doesn't give you the coke. Lots of kicks, then person quits kicking and walks away. DD will be the vending machine. She will get kicked some, but if she doesn't give up the coke, CF will quit)

A simpler, easier idea is to not give your high schooler their own smartphone to begin with. You can avoid all this drama.

[Anonymous]

to 20:00, yes of course, but sounds like that ship has sailed. You have to work with what you've got, not some fantasy situation.

[Anonymous]

First world problems

[Anonymous]

We all avoid drama. My kids would run from that. Start talking about staying out of the orbits of people like that. Nothing is gained by engaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First world problems

Bad friends are an international problem, especially for teens

[Anonymous]

I would talk to her about what makes a good friend. Ask if she is a good friend. Ask who are her good friends. If she mentions the bad one say, really, because I thought good friends do xxx and don't make you feel bad for XXX. Then discuss strategies for dealing with the bad friend...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First world problems

What? Girls all over the world do this. In all cultures. I have family members in a third world country. Hell, chickens have a social hierarchy for the females and try to control other chickens’ behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I didn't teach my kids to give tons of chances. Three strikes and you're out. And it's okay to be mean to protect yourself.

I have to agree. Friends should treat you with respect. Yes, people make mistakes, but if it is a constant thing, you need to put some space between you and that person. Skip the drama. Not good for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just some functional advice for symptoms, not the disease:

With respect to the texting, your DD has to teach the controlling friend (CF) the rules about how they will text together. That sounds kind of weird, but we teach each other how to communicate with each other all the time. And how not to communicate with each other. This is done by example. Pick what makes sense and stick to it. Here is one example:

You and DD decide that since it's no fun to wake up to 10 texts, you will teach CF to not do this. BTW CF's late night dramatic texts are no fun either, so let's work on that as well.

First, DD makes offhand comment to CF that mom takes the phone away at 8pm, and DD doesn't look at it before school.

From that moment onward, DD does not reply to any text that comes in after 8pm. CF will be super-pissed at first (google "extinction phase") and try and text her after 8pm, and the next morning, but DD must hold her ground and not text back.

When DF confronts DD about it at school, DD just says, casually, "oh, did you send that text after 8? I can't text after 8. I don't look at my phone before school. oops, I didn't see it."

CF will learn to stop trying after 8pm and before school. Reminder though, it will get worse before it gets better, due to extinction phase of behavior (akin to kicking the vending machine when it doesn't give you the coke. Lots of kicks, then person quits kicking and walks away. DD will be the vending machine. She will get kicked some, but if she doesn't give up the coke, CF will quit)

A simpler, easier idea is to not give your high schooler their own smartphone to begin with. You can avoid all this drama.

NP but I believe it's useful to learn the ins and outs of smartphones while still living in my home where I can navigate this. I don't want my child going off to college having never learned how to interact on phones, how to regulate social media use, etc. It's like sending a kid off to college who can't do her own laundry or make an omelet.