weird, controlling vibe from one of DD's friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just some functional advice for symptoms, not the disease:

With respect to the texting, your DD has to teach the controlling friend (CF) the rules about how they will text together. That sounds kind of weird, but we teach each other how to communicate with each other all the time. And how not to communicate with each other. This is done by example. Pick what makes sense and stick to it. Here is one example:

You and DD decide that since it's no fun to wake up to 10 texts, you will teach CF to not do this. BTW CF's late night dramatic texts are no fun either, so let's work on that as well.

First, DD makes offhand comment to CF that mom takes the phone away at 8pm, and DD doesn't look at it before school.

From that moment onward, DD does not reply to any text that comes in after 8pm. CF will be super-pissed at first (google "extinction phase") and try and text her after 8pm, and the next morning, but DD must hold her ground and not text back.

When DF confronts DD about it at school, DD just says, casually, "oh, did you send that text after 8? I can't text after 8. I don't look at my phone before school. oops, I didn't see it."

CF will learn to stop trying after 8pm and before school. Reminder though, it will get worse before it gets better, due to extinction phase of behavior (akin to kicking the vending machine when it doesn't give you the coke. Lots of kicks, then person quits kicking and walks away. DD will be the vending machine. She will get kicked some, but if she doesn't give up the coke, CF will quit)

A simpler, easier idea is to not give your high schooler their own smartphone to begin with. You can avoid all this drama.

dp I don't think not giving your kid a phone or getting rid of it is the answer. Like it or not phones connect our kids with their friends. There are some kids who don't have phones and they also miss out on fun activities because friends can't get in touch with them. They never use the land line ( at least mine doesn't and she is 16)

To the op: my dd has a friend for the past two years like your dd's "friend". Playing games ( different) but, still mind games. Finally, she did something over Thanksgiving that was unforgivable and my dd distanced herself and now they are no longer friends. So, keep talking to your dd but, hopefully your dd will wake up and distance herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just some functional advice for symptoms, not the disease:

With respect to the texting, your DD has to teach the controlling friend (CF) the rules about how they will text together. That sounds kind of weird, but we teach each other how to communicate with each other all the time. And how not to communicate with each other. This is done by example. Pick what makes sense and stick to it. Here is one example:

You and DD decide that since it's no fun to wake up to 10 texts, you will teach CF to not do this. BTW CF's late night dramatic texts are no fun either, so let's work on that as well.

First, DD makes offhand comment to CF that mom takes the phone away at 8pm, and DD doesn't look at it before school.

From that moment onward, DD does not reply to any text that comes in after 8pm. CF will be super-pissed at first (google "extinction phase") and try and text her after 8pm, and the next morning, but DD must hold her ground and not text back.

When DF confronts DD about it at school, DD just says, casually, "oh, did you send that text after 8? I can't text after 8. I don't look at my phone before school. oops, I didn't see it."

CF will learn to stop trying after 8pm and before school. Reminder though, it will get worse before it gets better, due to extinction phase of behavior (akin to kicking the vending machine when it doesn't give you the coke. Lots of kicks, then person quits kicking and walks away. DD will be the vending machine. She will get kicked some, but if she doesn't give up the coke, CF will quit)

A simpler, easier idea is to not give your high schooler their own smartphone to begin with. You can avoid all this drama.

NP but I believe it's useful to learn the ins and outs of smartphones while still living in my home where I can navigate this. I don't want my child going off to college having never learned how to interact on phones, how to regulate social media use, etc. It's like sending a kid off to college who can't do her own laundry or make an omelet.

You can’t be serious?! Learning to interact on a phone is now a prerequisite for college? OMG. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just some functional advice for symptoms, not the disease:

With respect to the texting, your DD has to teach the controlling friend (CF) the rules about how they will text together. That sounds kind of weird, but we teach each other how to communicate with each other all the time. And how not to communicate with each other. This is done by example. Pick what makes sense and stick to it. Here is one example:

You and DD decide that since it's no fun to wake up to 10 texts, you will teach CF to not do this. BTW CF's late night dramatic texts are no fun either, so let's work on that as well.

First, DD makes offhand comment to CF that mom takes the phone away at 8pm, and DD doesn't look at it before school.

From that moment onward, DD does not reply to any text that comes in after 8pm. CF will be super-pissed at first (google "extinction phase") and try and text her after 8pm, and the next morning, but DD must hold her ground and not text back.

When DF confronts DD about it at school, DD just says, casually, "oh, did you send that text after 8? I can't text after 8. I don't look at my phone before school. oops, I didn't see it."

CF will learn to stop trying after 8pm and before school. Reminder though, it will get worse before it gets better, due to extinction phase of behavior (akin to kicking the vending machine when it doesn't give you the coke. Lots of kicks, then person quits kicking and walks away. DD will be the vending machine. She will get kicked some, but if she doesn't give up the coke, CF will quit)

A simpler, easier idea is to not give your high schooler their own smartphone to begin with. You can avoid all this drama.

NP but I believe it's useful to learn the ins and outs of smartphones while still living in my home where I can navigate this. I don't want my child going off to college having never learned how to interact on phones, how to regulate social media use, etc. It's like sending a kid off to college who can't do her own laundry or make an omelet.

You can’t be serious?! Learning to interact on a phone is now a prerequisite for college? OMG. LOL.

DP, Yep. That is there primary connection to fellow students and friends. There are no landlines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First world problems

Where do YOU live that "first world problems" don't affect you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First world problems

Interpersonal issues only occur in the first world? Really?

[Anonymous]

Your DD is at the upper age for these books, but I've really liked the AG Smart Girls Guides for my own DD on friendship stuff. This one is quite good:
https://www.americangirl.com/shop/ag/advice-library/smart-girls-guide-friendship-troubles-f4670

And this one looks relevant:
https://www.americangirl.com/shop/ag/advice-library/smart-girls-guide-drama-ckk10

For my own DD, it helps her to read stuff on her own as well as for us to talk about it so she's getting the same positive messaging from more than one source.