Splitting up kid sick days when one parent has more leave

[Anonymous]

DH and I have two kids, 3 and 9 months, and we disagree about how to split up kid sick days. (We both work outside the home.) When we had one kid we typically split up sick days, trading off to stay home when our child was ill. But then I used up all of my sick/annual leave when our second child was born (I’m a fed), and I’m only just getting out of the red when it comes to sick leave. DH also took parental leave, but his company has dedicated parental leave and he didn’t have to use sick or annual leave. At the present moment, he had something like 20 vacation days and 15 sick days in the bank, while I have something like 2 of each. Given the imbalance in our leave totals, I think we should split up sick days a bit differently, but we’re having a hard time agreeing? Anyone btdt?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure it matters in the long run. Once you burn your days, won’t be have to stay home since you can’t?

[Anonymous]

We don't do it evenly, we do it based on what we have going on that day. If we both can make it work, then we switch off, but I end up taking more days just by the fact that I travel less. It would seem your husband would want you to have more leave so you can take a vacation at some point, maybe ask if he can take the lead until you have at least 5 vacation days? I think its unreasonable for him to take all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it evenly, we do it based on what we have going on that day. If we both can make it work, then we switch off, but I end up taking more days just by the fact that I travel less. It would seem your husband would want you to have more leave so you can take a vacation at some point, maybe ask if he can take the lead until you have at least 5 vacation days? I think its unreasonable for him to take all of them.

+1 Whoever can more easily stay home, stays home. Whether it's because one parent has an urgent meeting they can't miss in the office or the other one is low on sick leave, all factors into the "easier."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure it matters in the long run. Once you burn your days, won’t be have to stay home since you can’t?

Good question—I can do a certain amount of advanced annual leave and sick leave, which means my balances go into the red.

[Anonymous]

What is he saving up all of those days for? If you don't have leave it's not like you can vacation together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it evenly, we do it based on what we have going on that day. If we both can make it work, then we switch off, but I end up taking more days just by the fact that I travel less. It would seem your husband would want you to have more leave so you can take a vacation at some point, maybe ask if he can take the lead until you have at least 5 vacation days? I think its unreasonable for him to take all of them.

Op here, I agree that it’s unreasonable for him to take all of the sick days; it’s just that switching off equally as we did before doesn’t really seem fair either, especially since I need to take some sick leave for my own health needs. (My husband does, too, of course, but he is less strapped for sick time.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is he saving up all of those days for? If you don't have leave it's not like you can vacation together.

I think he envisions cashing them out when he leaves his job (although he has no plans to leave at the moment).

[Anonymous]

I’m also a Fed and due to the lack of mat leave I’m in the red after my second child’s birth. Dh has to do all doctors appts and take off when they’re sick. It’s not easy. But what’s the alternative? I lose my job? I can’t use advanced annual leave unless if I were on FMLA and that’s not meant for when my kids have pink eye.

[Anonymous]

I’m also a Fed and due to the lack of mat leave I’m in the red after my second child’s birth. Dh has to do all doctors appts and take off when they’re sick. It’s not easy. But what’s the alternative? I lose my job? I can’t use advanced annual leave unless if I were on FMLA and that’s not meant for when my kids have pink eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it evenly, we do it based on what we have going on that day. If we both can make it work, then we switch off, but I end up taking more days just by the fact that I travel less. It would seem your husband would want you to have more leave so you can take a vacation at some point, maybe ask if he can take the lead until you have at least 5 vacation days? I think its unreasonable for him to take all of them.

+1 Whoever can more easily stay home, stays home. Whether it's because one parent has an urgent meeting they can't miss in the office or the other one is low on sick leave, all factors into the "easier."

And that's largely going to be your DH because he actually has leave to use. What does he not understand about this?

Remind him that you need to save your sick time for the days when you are so sick that you can't work--because you and he will both get sick too. I remember the lovely few days I spent at home with my baby and I both having HFM, for instance.

Mothers largely bear the physical, emotional, and professional cost of having children. In this case, he has a workplace that allows him to help bear that cost. He'd darn well better do it.

[Anonymous]

I have 12 per year, plus a job where telecommuting isn't discouraged when a kid is sick. I found early on that I could typically get in about 4 hours of work with a sick kid at home, so I only had to take 1/2 a sick day and could keep the rest for later. In the first year of my daughter's life, I used every single one of my sick days.

Her dad had no telework option at the time, and less generous sick time, so he would only take days with her when I was starting to run out, or when I absolutely needed to go in, or when I'd been home with her for several days and was getting squirrelly.

Whoever has sick days available and doesn't have anything pressing that day should take the sick days.

[Anonymous]

If he has 15 sick days in the bank he needs to take the majority of the illnesses you have coming to you. If it's a multi-day illness or he has something he absolutely CAN NOT miss, then you can help out. But for a one day "the baby has a fever and can't go to daycare" he needs to take it and figure it out. Just like all women everywhere do ALL THE TIME.

I'd be livid if I had to have these conversations with my DH. He wants to help care for our children, since that's why we had them in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it evenly, we do it based on what we have going on that day. If we both can make it work, then we switch off, but I end up taking more days just by the fact that I travel less. It would seem your husband would want you to have more leave so you can take a vacation at some point, maybe ask if he can take the lead until you have at least 5 vacation days? I think its unreasonable for him to take all of them.

+1 Whoever can more easily stay home, stays home. Whether it's because one parent has an urgent meeting they can't miss in the office or the other one is low on sick leave, all factors into the "easier."

And that's largely going to be your DH because he actually has leave to use. What does he not understand about this?

Remind him that you need to save your sick time for the days when you are so sick that you can't work--because you and he will both get sick too. I remember the lovely few days I spent at home with my baby and I both having HFM, for instance.

Mothers largely bear the physical, emotional, and professional cost of having children. In this case, he has a workplace that allows him to help bear that cost. He'd darn well better do it.

+1 Your DH is being difficult. I wouldn't be happy with that.

[Anonymous]

DH always stays home because he is Fed and gets sick leave. I would have to use up my vacation days.