Splitting up kid sick days when one parent has more leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fortunately my husband does most of the sick days, since he has more leave available. but there have been a couple of days when he couldn't, but my husband is truly an equal partner.

Are you guys equal earners?

I make a little more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it evenly, we do it based on what we have going on that day. If we both can make it work, then we switch off, but I end up taking more days just by the fact that I travel less. It would seem your husband would want you to have more leave so you can take a vacation at some point, maybe ask if he can take the lead until you have at least 5 vacation days? I think its unreasonable for him to take all of them.

Op here, I agree that it’s unreasonable for him to take all of the sick days; it’s just that switching off equally as we did before doesn’t really seem fair either, especially since I need to take some sick leave for my own health needs. (My husband does, too, of course, but he is less strapped for sick time.)

He should agree to be the default for sick days until you are on a more equal footing. That's just fair and common sense.

Of course, if he has the quarterly shareholder meeting or yearly conference that day, an exception can be made, but it's ludicrous for you to go into a deficit for normal workdays for him.

Also bring up the issue if someone gets a prolonged or serious illness. How long can you go without your paycheck before you suffer financially?

[Anonymous]

Is your husband normally this obtuse and unreasonable about pretty obvious things?
I will tell you what i tell my kids "Fair isn't always equal". Fair is each person getting what he/she needs when they need it.
You need him to take on more of the sick time right now while you build your balance back up. This is totally a no brainer for anyone who feels a marriage is a partnership and not a tit for tat roommate situation.

[Anonymous]

I too don't understand why your husband is doing this. As others have said, he's going to find himself taking ALL the sick days when you have no more leave.

I do almost all of the sick days (there are many fewer days now that my kids are in late elementary school) because I telework and my husband doesn't, with a very inflexible job. What he does, then, is take almost all of the days that are known well in advance, like spring break, the two weeks of winter holidays, and the three weeks during the summer when there is no camp.

[Anonymous]

10:40 - that's pretty much what we do. My ex works for a govt contractor, so he gets some of the holidays off that I don't. So he takes those. Other than that, we'll go through the teacher work day schedule and determine who has flexibility that day (more often me), and if our daughter is sick on a day I have her that morning, I will generally keep her at home that day. If she's sick on a day he has her that morning, he'll keep her or drop her off, depending on who has flexibility that day.

[Anonymous]

I think you should have some overall principals that your agree to and let that help guide decisions. Like:

-No one goes in the red unless unusual circumstances/ emergency
-No one uses vacation days if other has sick days left
-No one should have to miss work on critical days (talked about in advance - work trips, workshops being run by one of you, etc.)
-It shouldn't be on any one person's shoulders (eg your husband shouldn't be responsible for all of the sick days)
-You come up with some kind of equitable way to plan ahead (block out critical days and other person is 'on deck' for those days, count up days of sick leave and figure out way to allocate them (you take 1, DH takes next 2, you take next, etc.)
-have a back up plan for days when kid isn't super sick (back-up nanny service, grandparent help, etc.)

Having a rational conversation when it's not 6 in the morning and you're fighting over who should stay home is probably a better way to get to real options you can consider

[Anonymous]

At my old job I had sick leave and my husband didn't (only PTO) so I did all the kids' sick days unless I had an important work thing that day. I changed jobs and now we both only have PTO so we decide based on who is busier that at work that day.

Luckily our kids aren't sick that much. I hate not having separate sick leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is he saving up all of those days for? If you don't have leave it's not like you can vacation together.

I think he envisions cashing them out when he leaves his job (although he has no plans to leave at the moment).

Yeah, no, that's a joint family financial decision you two need to make jointly together, not for him to just hoard them because he personally likes the idea of cashing them out.

You two should talk things over and figure out what's right for your family, but it seems to me like what makes most sense is that he takes significantly more than half, but not all, of the sick days right now, but the ratio adjusts back towards 50-50 as your leave builds back up over time.