Splitting up kid sick days when one parent has more leave

[Anonymous]

We talk it out. Yesterday we split the day. He had afternoon stuff that was important and I got my day wrapped up by noon. This is usually how we handle it.

[Anonymous]

I am a teacher so for me to take a day is a huge hassle, especially last minute of a kid wakes up sick. I have to put in for a sub, hope one picks it up, write and disperse lesson plans, alert my kids via Google classroom. My husband is an executive who can work from home if he has to. The office runs on his schedule; if he’s not in, that’s now a phone conference meeting. Unless he is out of town, he takes all the sick days because it has less overall impact on his job and he hasn’t no limit to days he can use. Your husband should be on board with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the number of days you each have is ONE factor in that determination. If I had more sick leave than my husband but I had a trial the next day, he's the one who has to take the day off because I just can't. I think you ought to discuss this more holistically with your husband rather than with the tunnel vision that I think you have. He may be resentful of the fact that you're not giving any credence to the nature of his job or what he has going on right now. My husband and I don't have a plan because it always depends on the moment and who has what going on. I think you may be picking a fight hypothetically because there are other factors that matter. Can you agree to discuss as the issue arises? If not, look into getting a nanny. Then you don't have a sick leave issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what he does for work.

DH has never taken a sick day in his life. I have taken every sick day and snow day, basically all the surprise day offs. I also did all school events. DH did do many teacher work days and breaks.

I’m now a SAHM and DH earns a seven figure income.

Me too. Although mine only makes mid six-figures. This is how you end up as a SAHM when you never planned on it, OP.
And when you bring up quitting your job with your husband, he acts shocked and surprised that you are even considering it.

I hope that you figure out a way to work this out, OP, an get your husband to take some responsibility whatever you end up doing. He can’t act like he has a SAHW when he doesn’t. He needs to recognize that he is pushing you out of the workforce, and the two of you need to decide whether or not that is best for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what he does for work.

DH has never taken a sick day in his life. I have taken every sick day and snow day, basically all the surprise day offs. I also did all school events. DH did do many teacher work days and breaks.

I’m now a SAHM and DH earns a seven figure income.

I get the sense that OP's DH is beginning to realize that this is the winning combination for him. He is certainly acting like someone who would prefer a SAHP.

[Anonymous]

What are you struggling with agreeing about?

If it's "DH takes all sick leave until we have an equal amount" then I don't blame him for struggling. If it's "DH takes on more of the responsibility, but we still adjust based on job and personal needs" then I don't understand the struggling.

Some jobs are more flexible than others. That has to be taken into account.
Some work culture is more flexible than others. That has to be taken into account.

When you're in the red, I'd work as if you have no leave available. Because you don't. If he has no leave available and you have no leave available, then you discuss who can go into the red. But he shouldn't be sitting on a week of leave while you have none, unless there is something about your jobs or workplaces that require this.

I don't think you need equal amounts of leave available. I do think it's important that you are able to save up vacation for vacation, assuming he is able to do similar.

He may need to be reminder that you burned your allowances down to 0 when you had the baby. The baby's new, there's adjustment.

[Anonymous]

Your can't parent by keeping score. If he has the days off he takes off. My DH just had to take 3 days off in a row for a sick kid because I was super crazy busy and work and couldn't help out. Technically I get more leave than he does but it wasn't a possibility that week. I generally take more days off when school is closed for a random non-holiday day but we've never added them up. That's just life as a parent.

[Anonymous]

I would just calmly talk out all the options. You could take unpaid leave. You could use up all your days and be in danger of losing your job. You could use up your few days, leaving him to deal with all the colds your baby will probably get during winter. Or he may have a job where taking leave is impossible. In that case, you can talk about hiring a nanny for days you need coverage. My guess is that he just hasn't thought this through.

[Anonymous]

Fortunately my husband does most of the sick days, since he has more leave available. but there have been a couple of days when he couldn't, but my husband is truly an equal partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fortunately my husband does most of the sick days, since he has more leave available. but there have been a couple of days when he couldn't, but my husband is truly an equal partner.

Are you guys equal earners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what he does for work.

DH has never taken a sick day in his life. I have taken every sick day and snow day, basically all the surprise day offs. I also did all school events. DH did do many teacher work days and breaks.

I’m now a SAHM and DH earns a seven figure income.

I get the sense that OP's DH is beginning to realize that this is the winning combination for him. He is certainly acting like someone who would prefer a SAHP.

Yes. People are always saying how important it is to have your husband on board to be a SAHM. But it is even more important to have him 100% supportive of you being a WOHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just calmly talk out all the options. You could take unpaid leave. You could use up all your days and be in danger of losing your job. You could use up your few days, leaving him to deal with all the colds your baby will probably get during winter. Or he may have a job where taking leave is impossible. In that case, you can talk about hiring a nanny for days you need coverage. My guess is that he just hasn't thought this through.

As a Fed its very hard to take unpaid leave, you can't just take it, you need pre-approval and most managers won't approve it for a one day sick kid thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fortunately my husband does most of the sick days, since he has more leave available. but there have been a couple of days when he couldn't, but my husband is truly an equal partner.

You can have a "truly equal partner" and divide various parts of your family life up in a gazillion different ways. You certainly are not clones of each other with mirrored schedules and responsibilities, so what does "truly equal" really mean? The key to making a family work is communication, respect, balance, presence, cooperation, flexibility, and trust, with a splash of selflessness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fortunately my husband does most of the sick days, since he has more leave available. but there have been a couple of days when he couldn't, but my husband is truly an equal partner.

You can have a "truly equal partner" and divide various parts of your family life up in a gazillion different ways. You certainly are not clones of each other with mirrored schedules and responsibilities, so what does "truly equal" really mean? The key to making a family work is communication, respect, balance, presence, cooperation, flexibility, and trust, with a splash of selflessness.

NP. That's literally what PP said. She considers her husband an equal partner but he does MORE sick days than she does. I'm guessing her point is that they both contribute, in their own ways, such that it feels like they have an equal balance. You need to chill out with your yelling and your quotation marks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is he saving up all of those days for? If you don't have leave it's not like you can vacation together.

I think he envisions cashing them out when he leaves his job (although he has no plans to leave at the moment).

Kind of ridiculous. Is the pay from an unused sick day worth the stress and time away from your family anyway? Use them judiciously, yes, but use them.