Extremely joyful kids with anxiety

[Anonymous]

Is this a thing?

I know three kids who are delightful. They smile more they laugh quicker. They seem like such sunny kids. All three of them I had thought were just the most joyful kids. All three of them I’ve been told struggle with anxiety at home in private. Specifically, they all have had transient tics and compulsive behaviors linked to anxiety. You would never know it!

I ask because my 4yo is fitting into this pattern.

[Anonymous]

Of corse. Having anxiety doesn’t mean you’re outwardly displaying your anxiety 24/7.

[Anonymous]

But I do see kids exhibiting signs of anxiety in public. The kid who chews his blankie in preschool or the little girl who won’t speak up in front of class.

These kids I know who seem to struggle in private are the most outwardly happy kids I know. Before I knew their struggles I really marveled at how sunny their personalities were.

I’m curious if there is a connection between outwardly happy and inwardly miserable. If it is common for really publicly happy kids to struggle so much only in private.

My older child is on the quiet side. She’s guards her emotions in public and is level-headed in public and at home. It’s hard to tell if she’s happy. She’s not quick to laugh in public or at home. But she’s also not quick to cry at home or get worked up about things.

My 4yo is such a happy kid and shows it out in public. But at home she is really struggling all the time.

[Anonymous]

I was this kid. I projected happy, positive and sunny because I was convinced that’s what people wanted, and was convinced that people would hate me if they actually knew me. I got such positive response to the happy behavior that it played into my thinking, that it was better to be fake positive than real me. The real me was probably a normal kid, but I worried so much about sticking out or being different that I couldn’t be myself. This continued as an adult, I was a people pleaser that couldn’t even tell you what I really wanted because I had shoved down the real me for so long. I’ve been in therapy now and am learning to speak up for myself and that the people I love won’t run from me if I express a not shiny happy feeling.

[Anonymous]

Some of the most outgoing And popular people are the most anxious. Myself included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But I do see kids exhibiting signs of anxiety in public. The kid who chews his blankie in preschool or the little girl who won’t speak up in front of class.

These kids I know who seem to struggle in private are the most outwardly happy kids I know. Before I knew their struggles I really marveled at how sunny their personalities were.

I’m curious if there is a connection between outwardly happy and inwardly miserable. If it is common for really publicly happy kids to struggle so much only in private.

My older child is on the quiet side. She’s guards her emotions in public and is level-headed in public and at home. It’s hard to tell if she’s happy. She’s not quick to laugh in public or at home. But she’s also not quick to cry at home or get worked up about things.

My 4yo is such a happy kid and shows it out in public. But at home she is really struggling all the time.

People are complicated, even very young people. Also, anxiety is an emotion and, as with all emotions, you don't feel it constantly. My child fits this description, as well, but he is not miserable on the inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was this kid. I projected happy, positive and sunny because I was convinced that’s what people wanted, and was convinced that people would hate me if they actually knew me. I got such positive response to the happy behavior that it played into my thinking, that it was better to be fake positive than real me. The real me was probably a normal kid, but I worried so much about sticking out or being different that I couldn’t be myself. This continued as an adult, I was a people pleaser that couldn’t even tell you what I really wanted because I had shoved down the real me for so long. I’ve been in therapy now and am learning to speak up for myself and that the people I love won’t run from me if I express a not shiny happy feeling.

Op: this is breaking my heart.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if we still love her and is preoccupied with being cute and pretty. She is also concerned we will like another child more than her. Gosh. I don’t think she’s putting on an act yet. I think she is this happy and sunny. But I can totally see this happening in the future because everyone comments on her personality and disposition all the time.

Both my older dd and I are introverted and shy but extremely level-headed and sure of ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was this kid. I projected happy, positive and sunny because I was convinced that’s what people wanted, and was convinced that people would hate me if they actually knew me. I got such positive response to the happy behavior that it played into my thinking, that it was better to be fake positive than real me. The real me was probably a normal kid, but I worried so much about sticking out or being different that I couldn’t be myself. This continued as an adult, I was a people pleaser that couldn’t even tell you what I really wanted because I had shoved down the real me for so long. I’ve been in therapy now and am learning to speak up for myself and that the people I love won’t run from me if I express a not shiny happy feeling.

Op: this is breaking my heart.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if we still love her and is preoccupied with being cute and pretty. She is also concerned we will like another child more than her. Gosh. I don’t think she’s putting on an act yet. I think she is this happy and sunny. But I can totally see this happening in the future because everyone comments on her personality and disposition all the time.

Both my older dd and I are introverted and shy but extremely level-headed and sure of ourselves.

I wouldn't read too much into it at 4. They go through weird phases of needing reassurance on basic stuff. My 5.5 year old is ebullient and outgoing. Somewhat a mystery to us because DH and I are as you describe -- introverted, somewhat reserved, but level-headed and sure of ourselves. DS wakes up every morning wanting to know if he can meet new people that day. He talks to everyone. He is exhaustingly happy all the time. Sometimes I have to tell him he can't talk for 5 minutes because I need a break from the constant chatter.

He does have some anxiety, I think. He can be very rigid and rule-following. His teachers have been working on training him out of it, and likewise at home we try to give him opportunities to be spontaneous and to talk through strategies for not getting upset when the plan changes. I sympathize with him because I am the same way. There is always a plan and if the plan goes awry, it makes me twitchy. And I am definitely an anxious person.

It's very interesting to watch him and my younger child, who is 2.5. She is much more moody (though usually happy enough) and changeable, but also far more flexible than he is. She doesn't get upset when the plan changes. It's amazing how much of personality seems to be hardwired.

[Anonymous]

One thing that was a surprise to me was that social anxiety and other sorts of anxiety can exist without each other. My son has no social fear - strangers are friends he hasn't met - but is timid about everything else, while my daughter is both exceedingly shy and scoffs at danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that was a surprise to me was that social anxiety and other sorts of anxiety can exist without each other. My son has no social fear - strangers are friends he hasn't met - but is timid about everything else, while my daughter is both exceedingly shy and scoffs at danger.

Yes. I didn’t think a child who is so outgoing and at ease in group settings could be so anxious. And what that looks like.

Meanwhile my kid with social anxiety anxiety is the most level headed soul. Nothing makes her anxious. Nothing. She’s like a rock. Nothing ever phases her. She’s the most easy going kid too. She rolls with anything and never makes a big fuss. She’s just socially a bit slow and shy.

[Anonymous]

Look hard enough and you will classify everyone as having a problem

[Anonymous]

I'm a very cheerful person (and am genuinely pretty happy--it's not just external) who also suffers from anxiety. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. My anxiety feels like a physical thing and can occasionally be short-term debilitating but it isn't constant or even frequent.

My DD is similar--sunshiney personality plus occasional crushing anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a very cheerful person (and am genuinely pretty happy--it's not just external) who also suffers from anxiety. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. My anxiety feels like a physical thing and can occasionally be short-term debilitating but it isn't constant or even frequent.

My DD is similar--sunshiney personality plus occasional crushing anxiety.

NO. This is the same for me and my DS.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like myself and my DS.

Very happy go lucky children who developed extreme anxiety. We are also both on the spectrum. Maybe it is a thing?

[Anonymous]

There are different types of anxiety and related disorders--think phobias (animal phobias, etc.), separation anxiety, panic disorder, social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder (excessive worriers), etc. Some are more likely to be accompanied by depressive disorders than others, but none are in and of themselves characterized by depressed mood.