DD mentioned party that friend went invited to. How to proceed.

[Anonymous]

DD is part of a group of four friends, all starting middle school this year. One friend, Amy has been best friends with other friend Sara for the past few years. All four friends went to the same elementary school until this past year when Sara switched schools. Amy is having her birthday party in a few weeks and didn’t invite Sara. She made it very clear on the invitation that only two friends were invited. She didn’t invite Sara because Sara is going to a different middle school than the other girls. So today my DD is hanging out with Sara and mentions that she will see her at the birthday. Sara says she didn’t get an invitation and my DD assures her that she probably will. After the play date Sara’s mom calls Amy’s mom to ask about the party and you can imagine how things went from there. I hate drama and feel absolutely terrible about this. There are so many hurt feelings as a result of this. I’ve talked to Amy’s mom and she has been very kind and gracious about my DD mistake. My DD is shy, quiet and doesn’t have too many friends. She is in absolute tears over this. She assumed Sara was invited because Sara and Amy were best friends. Honestly it’s usually my DD who gets left out, and she is used to it and knows it’s just part of life. I’m fairly antisocial myself and am unsure how DD and I should proceed at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Title should say friend wasn’t invited to.

[Anonymous]

Teach her that one doesn't assume people are invited to anything. She made a mistake, it happens. Just chalk it up to life experience. She probably won't make that mistake again.

[Anonymous]

Has your dd apologized to Sarah? That’s really all she can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is part of a group of four friends, all starting middle school this year. One friend, Amy has been best friends with other friend Sara for the past few years. All four friends went to the same elementary school until this past year when Sara switched schools. Amy is having her birthday party in a few weeks and didn’t invite Sara. She made it very clear on the invitation that only two friends were invited. She didn’t invite Sara because Sara is going to a different middle school than the other girls. So today my DD is hanging out with Sara and mentions that she will see her at the birthday. Sara says she didn’t get an invitation and my DD assures her that she probably will. After the play date Sara’s mom calls Amy’s mom to ask about the party and you can imagine how things went from there. I hate drama and feel absolutely terrible about this. There are so many hurt feelings as a result of this. I’ve talked to Amy’s mom and she has been very kind and gracious about my DD mistake. My DD is shy, quiet and doesn’t have too many friends. She is in absolute tears over this. She assumed Sara was invited because Sara and Amy were best friends. Honestly it’s usually my DD who gets left out, and she is used to it and knows it’s just part of life. I’m fairly antisocial myself and am unsure how DD and I should proceed at this point.

Not much you can do now. It sucks but now your dd can't mention any party just in case this happens again.

[Anonymous]

It’s ridiculous that Amy didn’t invite her best friend Sara, just bc she switched middle schools. Amy sounds like a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is part of a group of four friends, all starting middle school this year. One friend, Amy has been best friends with other friend Sara for the past few years. All four friends went to the same elementary school until this past year when Sara switched schools. Amy is having her birthday party in a few weeks and didn’t invite Sara. She made it very clear on the invitation that only two friends were invited. She didn’t invite Sara because Sara is going to a different middle school than the other girls. So today my DD is hanging out with Sara and mentions that she will see her at the birthday. Sara says she didn’t get an invitation and my DD assures her that she probably will. After the play date Sara’s mom calls Amy’s mom to ask about the party and you can imagine how things went from there. I hate drama and feel absolutely terrible about this. There are so many hurt feelings as a result of this. I’ve talked to Amy’s mom and she has been very kind and gracious about my DD mistake. My DD is shy, quiet and doesn’t have too many friends. She is in absolute tears over this. She assumed Sara was invited because Sara and Amy were best friends. Honestly it’s usually my DD who gets left out, and she is used to it and knows it’s just part of life. I’m fairly antisocial myself and am unsure how DD and I should proceed at this point.

How was this made clear? How did your daughter miss this?

[Anonymous]

Just tell her it's okay to feel terrible about it even though it was just a mistake, because it's okay to feel bad about hurting someone's feelings even if it was an accident.

Mentor her through apologizing to the non-invited girl and the party girl in an honest and thoughtful way (maybe a note if she's really upset so she can write down and edit).

Talk through a) how to avoid talking about invitation events and b) prepare a few phrases for what to say if you accidentally do it again (e.g. instead of "I'm sure you'll be invited," she could plan to say "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned a party that I'm not hosting. I don't know what her plans are.")

And make sure she knows that everyone makes a faux pas sometimes and she just has to be as honest and kind to everyone involved as she can (including herself!) and soldier through it. Next time she'll know better.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for the great advice.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go overboard. Tell your DD that everyone - even yourself - makes social mistakes like this once in a while and she doesn’t need to beat herself up over the mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t go overboard. Tell your DD that everyone - even yourself - makes social mistakes like this once in a while and she doesn’t need to beat herself up over the mistake.

This! Seriously. It’s NBD. I would feel like writing a note would be overboard and would make it into more of an issue than it is.

Maybe an apology but that’s about it. Happens all the time, even with adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your dd apologized to Sarah? That’s really all she can do.

But apologize about what? Mentioning a party she was going to? I feel like women are sometimes taught to over-apologize. It’s not the end of the world to mention that you’re going to a party. It’s also not terrible of the host to only want to invite certain people.

I don’t get the feeling that OP’s daughter had bad intentions. It was an honest mistake. Also, friendships change. Nobody’s fault. And writing a note is definite overkill.

[Anonymous]

OP - You said the invitation made it clear that there were only two people invited. Did you share this with your daughter? She should be taught not to assume people were invited to something just b/c she was, however, in situations like this, it is wise to give her a heads up.

[Anonymous]

She could give up her spot at the party to the other girl assuming it was a hard cap of two people.

[Anonymous]

I would of told my daughter to boycott the party. What a mean girl not to invite her whole group. It's like she put the burden on the invitees rather than take responsibility for her exclusiveness.