DD mentioned party that friend went invited to. How to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your dd apologized to Sarah? That’s really all she can do.

But apologize about what? Mentioning a party she was going to? I feel like women are sometimes taught to over-apologize. It’s not the end of the world to mention that you’re going to a party. It’s also not terrible of the host to only want to invite certain people.

I don’t get the feeling that OP’s daughter had bad intentions. It was an honest mistake. Also, friendships change. Nobody’s fault. And writing a note is definite overkill.

The apology is for assuming she’d be invited and even saying she would be. It’s not a big deal but it warrants an apology. The note is just a crutch in case DD feels paralyzed about the apology or worried she won’t say it right in the moment. It could also be just a scripting exercise for a conversation.

[Anonymous]

These girls are middle school age and have known each other for years.

Believe me, Sara knows when her best friend's birthday is. It is weird that Amy didn't invite Sara to the party. It's also weird that Sara hadn't asked her best friend what her birthday plans were.

Your daughter made a reasonable assumption that Sara was invited. It's a shame that Amy excluded Sara like that, it sounds as though those two girls need to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your dd apologized to Sarah? That’s really all she can do.

It is all she should have to do. She isn't responsible for the decision of the other friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would of told my daughter to boycott the party. What a mean girl not to invite her whole group. It's like she put the burden on the invitees rather than take responsibility for her exclusiveness.

I hope you manage to take a step back before high school comes around. Girls change friendships and people don't always get invited to things. You can't always take some ridiculous high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ridiculous that Amy didn’t invite her best friend Sara, just bc she switched middle schools. Amy sounds like a mean girl.

This.

[Anonymous]

With three people total, this isn't even a party? Why is it even being called a party?

[Anonymous]

It was definitely wrong of your daughter to bring it up (I taught my daughter at 6 years old to never talk to other friends about parties, because not everyone is always invited, and she gets it - why haven't you taught your daughter this yet??).

BUT why isn't anyone here talking about how rude it was of Sara's mom to call Amy's mom to ask why she wasn't invited?? This is middle school, land of mean girls. Sara's mom should have consoled Sara and explained how now that they're not in the same school, friendships change, she probably wasn't invited, no big deal, we'll do something fun or invite Amy over for a birthday play date, or something like that. I would *never* call another parent and ask why my daughter wasn't invited to something. That's so rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was definitely wrong of your daughter to bring it up (I taught my daughter at 6 years old to never talk to other friends about parties, because not everyone is always invited, and she gets it - why haven't you taught your daughter this yet??).

BUT why isn't anyone here talking about how rude it was of Sara's mom to call Amy's mom to ask why she wasn't invited?? This is middle school, land of mean girls. Sara's mom should have consoled Sara and explained how now that they're not in the same school, friendships change, she probably wasn't invited, no big deal, we'll do something fun or invite Amy over for a birthday play date, or something like that. I would *never* call another parent and ask why my daughter wasn't invited to something. That's so rude.

Maybe because the OP didn't ask about it?

We also don't know the context. It isn't out of line for parents to get involved at that age, and perhaps the mom was appropriate about finding out if her daughter needed to really back off or if this was a friendship that could be salvaged. We don't know, so perhaps we can't conjecture.

[Anonymous]

This is all the adults’ fault:

Amy’s mom shouldn’t have let Any exclude Sara

OP should’ve taught her daughter long ago never to mention parties if you aren’t 100% sure the other person HAS BEEN invited. Bringing up a party with “I’m sure you’ll get your invite” makes no sense. Everyone is invited at the same time. If Sara didn’t have an invite, one wasn’t coming.

Sara’s mom needed to not call the other moms and make a big deal about this. If someone doesn’t invite you to their party, you have to cope with that, not call people to get a pity invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all the adults’ fault:

Amy’s mom shouldn’t have let Any exclude Sara

OP should’ve taught her daughter long ago never to mention parties if you aren’t 100% sure the other person HAS BEEN invited. Bringing up a party with “I’m sure you’ll get your invite” makes no sense. Everyone is invited at the same time. If Sara didn’t have an invite, one wasn’t coming.

Sara’s mom needed to not call the other moms and make a big deal about this. If someone doesn’t invite you to their party, you have to cope with that, not call people to get a pity invite.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all the adults’ fault:

Amy’s mom shouldn’t have let Any exclude Sara

OP should’ve taught her daughter long ago never to mention parties if you aren’t 100% sure the other person HAS BEEN invited. Bringing up a party with “I’m sure you’ll get your invite” makes no sense. Everyone is invited at the same time. If Sara didn’t have an invite, one wasn’t coming.

Sara’s mom needed to not call the other moms and make a big deal about this. If someone doesn’t invite you to their party, you have to cope with that, not call people to get a pity invite.

THIS.

I highly recommend the book Untangled for this age. Really good descriptions of developmental stages of girls and how moms need to let them learn to navigate things with increasing independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ridiculous that Amy didn’t invite her best friend Sara, just bc she switched middle schools. Amy sounds like a mean girl.

+1. You learn this behavior from your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was definitely wrong of your daughter to bring it up (I taught my daughter at 6 years old to never talk to other friends about parties, because not everyone is always invited, and she gets it - why haven't you taught your daughter this yet??).

BUT why isn't anyone here talking about how rude it was of Sara's mom to call Amy's mom to ask why she wasn't invited?? This is middle school, land of mean girls. Sara's mom should have consoled Sara and explained how now that they're not in the same school, friendships change, she probably wasn't invited, no big deal, we'll do something fun or invite Amy over for a birthday play date, or something like that. I would *never* call another parent and ask why my daughter wasn't invited to something. That's so rude.

Pat yourself on the back pp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was definitely wrong of your daughter to bring it up (I taught my daughter at 6 years old to never talk to other friends about parties, because not everyone is always invited, and she gets it - why haven't you taught your daughter this yet??).

BUT why isn't anyone here talking about how rude it was of Sara's mom to call Amy's mom to ask why she wasn't invited?? This is middle school, land of mean girls. Sara's mom should have consoled Sara and explained how now that they're not in the same school, friendships change, she probably wasn't invited, no big deal, we'll do something fun or invite Amy over for a birthday play date, or something like that. I would *never* call another parent and ask why my daughter wasn't invited to something. That's so rude.

If these kids are really best friends (or have been historically), it seems totally plausible that (1) she thought it was an actual oversight/they somehow didn't get the invite or (2) that she thought the story Sara heard from Amy didn't make a lot of sense and thought she was better off getting out ahead of this. If she asked about this on DCUM, people would totally be like "reach out to Amy's mom in a non-judgmental way just to get the right info." I'm not saying Sara's mom did it the *right* way, I have no idea what she said... but I don't think the idea of calling over when we're dealing w/ 10-11 year olds (I'm assuming these are probably 5th graders from the OP's description) is weird at all.

[Anonymous]

How are these moms so involved with this? My son is a rising 5th grader, and if he mentioned this situation to me, I'd be sympathizing with him that it hurts not to get an invite, not calling someone else's mom to figure out what was going on. Or I'd tell DS to talk to his friend.