Houseguests that invite themselves- family meals?

[Anonymous]

We have some family coming into town that expect to stay with us. Normally that would be great except they did not check dates with us ahead of time. We are working every day they are in town, and the time they selected is during a super stressful schedule. I feel obliged to host and trying to work up gracious hospitality, but it’s not quite happening. What’s the norm for family that treats you like a BnB? Are we expected to provide meals and snacks for their small children? Is one family meal and leaving things for them to make breakfast enough?


And yeah, it’s in-law family members. lol and I really like them but the timing is wrong.

[Anonymous]

One family meal and leaving things for breakfast is PLENTY generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have some family coming into town that expect to stay with us. Normally that would be great except they did not check dates with us ahead of time. We are working every day they are in town, and the time they selected is during a super stressful schedule. I feel obliged to host and trying to work up gracious hospitality, but it’s not quite happening. What’s the norm for family that treats you like a BnB? Are we expected to provide meals and snacks for their small children? Is one family meal and leaving things for them to make breakfast enough?


And yeah, it’s in-law family members. lol and I really like them but the timing is wrong.

It's family. I treat all my family the same. I'd buy extra stuff, show them where everything is, tell them (sincerely) to please help themselves to anything, let me know if they need anything, and that's it.

[Anonymous]

My MIL will come and stay with us on occasion and then one morning will announce that SIL and her 2 kids are coming to stay that night. Makes me so angry because it is so dang rude. When this happens, I tell DH he is in charge of dinner and sleeping arragnedments. Not my family, not my problem. I am, of course, gracious when they arrive, and we of course feed them somehow. Sometimes we cook, and sometimes we order out. Of course neither MIL nor SIL offers to pick up the tab. But, again, DH's family, so he can figure it all out and make the last minute arrangements.

[Anonymous]

You're a grown up, it's time to learn to say no.
I would never host family that invite themselves like that, they're very rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have some family coming into town that expect to stay with us. Normally that would be great except they did not check dates with us ahead of time. We are working every day they are in town, and the time they selected is during a super stressful schedule. I feel obliged to host and trying to work up gracious hospitality, but it’s not quite happening. What’s the norm for family that treats you like a BnB? Are we expected to provide meals and snacks for their small children? Is one family meal and leaving things for them to make breakfast enough?


And yeah, it’s in-law family members. lol and I really like them but the timing is wrong.

It's family. I treat all my family the same. I'd buy extra stuff, show them where everything is, tell them (sincerely) to please help themselves to anything, let me know if they need anything, and that's it.

This is my MO too. I currently have my SIL and her son staying here, self-invited. I try to plan one meal, courtesy of the crock pot, or grill. My husband and SIL have also been cooking, so it's not much different than usual, just an extra amount. I'm not letting them interfere with the daily routine. After working hours, slightly, but I still go to bed at the same time, and continue on with work obligations.

[Anonymous]

You allow them to behave this way, so why would it change or stop?

Stop it gently NOW before you get yourself burned out and inconvenienced into a really bad mood or bad incident.

"Barbara, Ted, we love seeing you and having you stay over. But we really need you to talk the dates through with us before you make plans. With the kids in soccer now and Bill and I both working, it's just not realistic for us to do spur-of-the-moment visits. We need to be able to plan and prepare. Thanks for understanding."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have some family coming into town that expect to stay with us. Normally that would be great except they did not check dates with us ahead of time. We are working every day they are in town, and the time they selected is during a super stressful schedule. I feel obliged to host and trying to work up gracious hospitality, but it’s not quite happening. What’s the norm for family that treats you like a BnB? Are we expected to provide meals and snacks for their small children? Is one family meal and leaving things for them to make breakfast enough?


And yeah, it’s in-law family members. lol and I really like them but the timing is wrong.

Why are YOU on the hook to cook, clean, entertain, etc.? You can open your door, but if they want clean sheets and towels and home-cooked meals, why are YOU on the hook, and not DH? Let your husband host his family. If there are any questions or complaints, tell them that if they want the Maison Sue experience, they need to check and plan with you first, because this time wasn't a good time for a visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One family meal and leaving things for breakfast is PLENTY generous.

This is all I would do too. I’d be very clear that I have to carry on with my schedule as normal but they should enjoy their time here and help themselves. I’d also try to get up and out of the house early so there would be any frustrating delays, like kitchen, bathroom conflicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a grown up, it's time to learn to say no.
I would never host family that invite themselves like that, they're very rude.

“Of course we always love to see you. However, this is a particularly crazy time for us both at work, and we will be in survival mode. If you just need a place to stay, sure, but you won’t see much of us and will need to be pretty on your own for meals.”

OR

“This just isn’t a good time, and we won’t have the bandwidth to host that week.”

[Anonymous]

If your working...why aren't they cooking for you?

[Anonymous]

I’m with 1204. For me, it’s easier to just accommodate than get irritated and resentful. I might feel initially cranky about it, but I’d rather be the house where people feel welcome, than have to go to everyone else all the time.

So, I buy some basic breakfast items, stock some lunch items, and as I’m making dinner for our family anyway, it’s not really that far of a stretch to make a few extra chicken breasts, another rack of ribs, and some extra salad (or whatever). I might need to quickly throw together a grocery order for pickup, but it’s not really that huge of a burden to feed and make people feel welcome.

[Anonymous]

I mean obviously if you don’t want them to stay with you, say no.

But if you’re just trying to figure out how to be a gracious host while super busy, ask them what they like for breakfast well in advance and stock the fridge so they can help themselves. Make sure you have a labeled set of keys for them and tell them to use the kitchen whenever they like. Uber has eliminated your obligation to transport your guests anywhere. Tell them roughly what time you will be coming and going and suggest “how does a pizza feast at 8pm sound for dinner on Tues?” or whenever is the first night. Then order pizza (or sushi, or whatever) and while it’s coming, set the table and light some candles or something to make it fun. That’s plenty and it will be fun and delicious! Cooking is not required to be a good host. You have a job.

Set up the guest room as far in advance as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You allow them to behave this way, so why would it change or stop?

Stop it gently NOW before you get yourself burned out and inconvenienced into a really bad mood or bad incident.

"Barbara, Ted, we love seeing you and having you stay over. But we really need you to talk the dates through with us before you make plans. With the kids in soccer now and Bill and I both working, it's just not realistic for us to do spur-of-the-moment visits. We need to be able to plan and prepare. Thanks for understanding."

+1

You REALLY have to say something today, even if it's for next time. "... you need to run the dates past us. We are extremely busy those days and will have to leave things for you to fend for your selves for this trip. In the future we will need to talk about dates in advance."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One family meal and leaving things for breakfast is PLENTY generous.

This is all I would do too. I’d be very clear that I have to carry on with my schedule as normal but they should enjoy their time here and help themselves. I’d also try to get up and out of the house early so there would be any frustrating delays, like kitchen, bathroom conflicts.

Thank you, both. Helpful!