Houseguests that invite themselves- family meals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with 1204. For me, it’s easier to just accommodate than get irritated and resentful. I might feel initially cranky about it, but I’d rather be the house where people feel welcome, than have to go to everyone else all the time.

So, I buy some basic breakfast items, stock some lunch items, and as I’m making dinner for our family anyway, it’s not really that far of a stretch to make a few extra chicken breasts, another rack of ribs, and some extra salad (or whatever). I might need to quickly throw together a grocery order for pickup, but it’s not really that huge of a burden to feed and make people feel welcome.

This is me. I just can't live my life being cranky and resentful, and I am much happier when family stay with us rather than at a hotel. I really don't see the problem. I would give them a heads up that you won't be available to take a day off and tour or play with them any of the days so they'll be on their own during the daytime. But it doesn't seem like much to have some extra breakfast stuff in the house and then to cook a bit more for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Something similar happened to us: DH's nephew announced he would be gracing us with his presence, and DH agreed and didn't think of double-checking dates with me. So now we're stuck with the nephew, but I did warn him that we would not be available at the beginning of his stay, when we're having our stressful event.

You can say: "We'd love to host you, but your visit comes at a stressful work time, so unfortunately we cannot have you over at those dates. We can help you find a hotel, and will certainly make time for a dinner together."

I hope that if I ever said something like that to a member of our family (yes, I'm one of those who believes that my husband's kin are mine, too) that my husband would tell me I was being rude and uncharitable. I can't imagine the circumstances where we couldn't have visitors in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One family meal and leaving things for breakfast is PLENTY generous.

+1. Do what you are realistically able to do without being resentful. If that 1 meal is ordered pizza, so be it. If you’re able to shop in advance and stock the fridge with breakfast items, wonderful. If not, then so be it. At least have some coffee and tea. They can do the shopping. But be genuinely happy to see them, tell them how happy you are for their visit and to feel at home.... (if they are the type you could say that to, without them going overboard).

+2 Back when we were first starting out, we lived in a very small house. We gave our parents (his or mine) our bedroom, and I slept on a mat in the kitchen while my husband used a sleeping bag on the back porch. We were thrilled they were visiting. One dinner that my dad still remarks on was chopped up hot dogs, Kraft mac & cheese, and sliced apples and bananas because that is what our 2 year old wanted and her grandparents (who made the meal because we were working) were thrilled to accommodate.

[Anonymous]

I’m staying with family coming up. On our first day, I’m planning on heading to the grocery store for breakfast and snack stuff.

Now if they cook a great hot meal one morning and they invite us to join in (and we haven’t left yet), we would love to hang out.

I’m glad they’re there for us. I am willing to get a hotel, but mil asked for us. And honestly it will save us so much money, which is very helpful for us as we try to work on student loans.

Thanks, family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One family meal and leaving things for breakfast is PLENTY generous.

Exactly! Close the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

It isnt clear, but Op, have you told them this is super crazy busy for you and dh right now? Otherwise, you'll come across as rude.

Having said that, are your house guests capable of entertaining themselves, especially with small kids in tow, while you and dh are working all day/long hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a grown up, it's time to learn to say no.
I would never host family that invite themselves like that, they're very rude.

Or at least say “ you can stay, but you are on your own since it is a busy time for us.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My house is always open for guests. They get fed what we eat and they have full access to my fridge and pantry. If they give me advance notice I will stock up through Peapod, Amazon Prime etc on whatever they want. Very few guests expect us to entertain them because they are here for business or for their own vacation. I don't have a problem in giving them a set of keys and my third car. I will order in pizza is they have come unexpectedly and I am unable to cook something. Most of the time my freezer is full of cooked meals that just have to be defrosted and eaten.

Awesome, I’ll send my in laws over every April for the month. They like nuts, berries, yogurt and big dinners. TIA!

LOL. mine need some money for their flights over to your house. they don't want to touch their $5M estate and prefer to have others pay for them. they like american airlines, call us when you book their flights, can't wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You allow them to behave this way, so why would it change or stop?

Stop it gently NOW before you get yourself burned out and inconvenienced into a really bad mood or bad incident.

"Barbara, Ted, we love seeing you and having you stay over. But we really need you to talk the dates through with us before you make plans. With the kids in soccer now and Bill and I both working, it's just not realistic for us to do spur-of-the-moment visits. We need to be able to plan and prepare. Thanks for understanding."

+1

You REALLY have to say something today, even if it's for next time. "... you need to run the dates past us. We are extremely busy those days and will have to leave things for you to fend for your selves for this trip. In the future we will need to talk about dates in advance."

Nope. Some day YOU will be the MIL. Imagine your future DIL writing you this kind of note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You allow them to behave this way, so why would it change or stop?

Stop it gently NOW before you get yourself burned out and inconvenienced into a really bad mood or bad incident.

"Barbara, Ted, we love seeing you and having you stay over. But we really need you to talk the dates through with us before you make plans. With the kids in soccer now and Bill and I both working, it's just not realistic for us to do spur-of-the-moment visits. We need to be able to plan and prepare. Thanks for understanding."

+1

You REALLY have to say something today, even if it's for next time. "... you need to run the dates past us. We are extremely busy those days and will have to leave things for you to fend for your selves for this trip. In the future we will need to talk about dates in advance."

Nope. Some day YOU will be the MIL. Imagine your future DIL writing you this kind of note.

NP. If you are the kind of MIL who invites herself to stay over without checking with son and DIL first, then you deserve to get this kind of note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You allow them to behave this way, so why would it change or stop?

Stop it gently NOW before you get yourself burned out and inconvenienced into a really bad mood or bad incident.

"Barbara, Ted, we love seeing you and having you stay over. But we really need you to talk the dates through with us before you make plans. With the kids in soccer now and Bill and I both working, it's just not realistic for us to do spur-of-the-moment visits. We need to be able to plan and prepare. Thanks for understanding."

+1

You REALLY have to say something today, even if it's for next time. "... you need to run the dates past us. We are extremely busy those days and will have to leave things for you to fend for your selves for this trip. In the future we will need to talk about dates in advance."

Nope. Some day YOU will be the MIL. Imagine your future DIL writing you this kind of note.

NP. If you are the kind of MIL who invites herself to stay over without checking with son and DIL first, then you deserve to get this kind of note.

+1! Anyone not paying rent/living full time in the home is a GUEST. Even family members, even parents, are GUESTS. You may not enter someone's home without their express permission. Thrusting yourself upon your hosts is rude in the extreme.

If you are the type of MIL who thinks she can show up and announce that she is staying overnight/several days? GTFO. You deserve to be held at arms length. Learn some respect, learn some basic manners, and MAYBE you'll deserve a second chance at family closeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My house is always open for guests. They get fed what we eat and they have full access to my fridge and pantry. If they give me advance notice I will stock up through Peapod, Amazon Prime etc on whatever they want. Very few guests expect us to entertain them because they are here for business or for their own vacation. I don't have a problem in giving them a set of keys and my third car. I will order in pizza is they have come unexpectedly and I am unable to cook something. Most of the time my freezer is full of cooked meals that just have to be defrosted and eaten.

Awesome, I’ll send my in laws over every April for the month. They like nuts, berries, yogurt and big dinners. TIA!

LOL. mine need some money for their flights over to your house. they don't want to touch their $5M estate and prefer to have others pay for them. they like american airlines, call us when you book their flights, can't wait.

Keep laying down, and guess what? People will treat you like a doormat. Again. Some more. Zero sympathy for you spineless doormat-martyrs out there. You don't get to complain about your CHOICE to allow this dynamic to continue. You wrote the permission slip, honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My house is always open for guests. They get fed what we eat and they have full access to my fridge and pantry. If they give me advance notice I will stock up through Peapod, Amazon Prime etc on whatever they want. Very few guests expect us to entertain them because they are here for business or for their own vacation. I don't have a problem in giving them a set of keys and my third car. I will order in pizza is they have come unexpectedly and I am unable to cook something. Most of the time my freezer is full of cooked meals that just have to be defrosted and eaten.

Awesome, I’ll send my in laws over every April for the month. They like nuts, berries, yogurt and big dinners. TIA!

LOL. mine need some money for their flights over to your house. they don't want to touch their $5M estate and prefer to have others pay for them. they like american airlines, call us when you book their flights, can't wait.

Keep laying down, and guess what? People will treat you like a doormat. Again. Some more. Zero sympathy for you spineless doormat-martyrs out there. You don't get to complain about your CHOICE to allow this dynamic to continue. You wrote the permission slip, honey.

This is this is such a weird conversation. Completely inflated. Settle down folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One family meal and leaving things for breakfast is PLENTY generous.

+1. Do what you are realistically able to do without being resentful. If that 1 meal is ordered pizza, so be it. If you’re able to shop in advance and stock the fridge with breakfast items, wonderful. If not, then so be it. At least have some coffee and tea. They can do the shopping. But be genuinely happy to see them, tell them how happy you are for their visit and to feel at home.... (if they are the type you could say that to, without them going overboard).

+2 Back when we were first starting out, we lived in a very small house. We gave our parents (his or mine) our bedroom, and I slept on a mat in the kitchen while my husband used a sleeping bag on the back porch. We were thrilled they were visiting. One dinner that my dad still remarks on was chopped up hot dogs, Kraft mac & cheese, and sliced apples and bananas because that is what our 2 year old wanted and her grandparents (who made the meal because we were working) were thrilled to accommodate.

I can’t imagine as a parent allowing my grown child and spouse to sleep on the floor while I take their bed. Never in a million years. I would get a hotel and then my spouse and I would provide dinners for them every night while we were there so that our visit would not be an imposition on them.