Houseguests that invite themselves- family meals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean obviously if you don’t want them to stay with you, say no.

But if you’re just trying to figure out how to be a gracious host while super busy, ask them what they like for breakfast well in advance and stock the fridge so they can help themselves. Make sure you have a labeled set of keys for them and tell them to use the kitchen whenever they like. Uber has eliminated your obligation to transport your guests anywhere. Tell them roughly what time you will be coming and going and suggest “how does a pizza feast at 8pm sound for dinner on Tues?” or whenever is the first night. Then order pizza (or sushi, or whatever) and while it’s coming, set the table and light some candles or something to make it fun. That’s plenty and it will be fun and delicious! Cooking is not required to be a good host. You have a job.

Set up the guest room as far in advance as you can.

Thank you! This is helpful. I’m usually more available to prep/think ahead and that’s been the difficulty. It’s a one off visit and my husband is very generous with his time with my mom, I’d like to offer his family similar consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a grown up, it's time to learn to say no.
I would never host family that invite themselves like that, they're very rude.

My in laws like to “pull a fast one” every time they plan a trip or we go out with them.
Yeah come for a few days—> they go book 7-20 days here and tell us after they book
Yeah let’s go out to dinner tomorrow —> Oh I thought you guys would pay for everything

[Anonymous]

Airbnb hosts don't cook, clean or entertain their guests, so if the ILs are treating the OP like an Airbnb then OP should treat it like an Airbnb. Give them a set of keys so they can come and go and voila.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a grown up, it's time to learn to say no.
I would never host family that invite themselves like that, they're very rude.

My in laws like to “pull a fast one” every time they plan a trip or we go out with them.
Yeah come for a few days—> they go book 7-20 days here and tell us after they book
Yeah let’s go out to dinner tomorrow —> Oh I thought you guys would pay for everything

Stop saying "yeah come for a few days."

Start saying, "August 12-17 is perfect for us, but I'm afraid we can't do dates outside of those days. If you want to stay in the area longer, we'll help you get settled in the Hampton Inn about 10 minutes away."

Stop saying, "yeah, let's go out to dinner tomorrow." Start saying, "Before we decide on dinner, I wanted to let you know that it will only be in our budget for us to pay for our family this time. Would you rather us order in take-out tonight, or have leftover chicken and sides from last night."

Life is not hard when you communicate, directly.

[Anonymous]

OP, are they coming to the area because they’re doing a vacation, and want to stay at your place instead of a hotel? It’s rude they didn’t check the dates with you first. One family dinner and providing breakfast items and maybe fixings for a dinner or two. You could do pasta one additional night and make extra for them. I assume they’ll cook for everyone one night or pay for take-out or going out for everyone.

How long are they staying? How many kids and what ages?

[Anonymous]

My house is always open for guests. They get fed what we eat and they have full access to my fridge and pantry. If they give me advance notice I will stock up through Peapod, Amazon Prime etc on whatever they want. Very few guests expect us to entertain them because they are here for business or for their own vacation. I don't have a problem in giving them a set of keys and my third car. I will order in pizza is they have come unexpectedly and I am unable to cook something. Most of the time my freezer is full of cooked meals that just have to be defrosted and eaten.

[Anonymous]

I guess part of the issue is I can’t afford to feed another family of four that has barely announced they’re arriving in a few days. And we have very different nutritional preferences.

[Anonymous]

I would buy breakfast and sandwich stuff (cereal/oatmeal, bread, lunch meat, cheese) and plan to just make bigger portions of your normal dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My house is always open for guests. They get fed what we eat and they have full access to my fridge and pantry. If they give me advance notice I will stock up through Peapod, Amazon Prime etc on whatever they want. Very few guests expect us to entertain them because they are here for business or for their own vacation. I don't have a problem in giving them a set of keys and my third car. I will order in pizza is they have come unexpectedly and I am unable to cook something. Most of the time my freezer is full of cooked meals that just have to be defrosted and eaten.

I posted above that the family should run the dates by the hostess. My house is open to guests to, especially with the proximity to Washington DC and airports it does get its fair use however, people always ask me if certain dates work they don’t assume. Do you find your family asks about dates or do they just tell you?

[Anonymous]

Something similar happened to us: DH's nephew announced he would be gracing us with his presence, and DH agreed and didn't think of double-checking dates with me. So now we're stuck with the nephew, but I did warn him that we would not be available at the beginning of his stay, when we're having our stressful event.

You can say: "We'd love to host you, but your visit comes at a stressful work time, so unfortunately we cannot have you over at those dates. We can help you find a hotel, and will certainly make time for a dinner together."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My house is always open for guests. They get fed what we eat and they have full access to my fridge and pantry. If they give me advance notice I will stock up through Peapod, Amazon Prime etc on whatever they want. Very few guests expect us to entertain them because they are here for business or for their own vacation. I don't have a problem in giving them a set of keys and my third car. I will order in pizza is they have come unexpectedly and I am unable to cook something. Most of the time my freezer is full of cooked meals that just have to be defrosted and eaten.

That's wonderful of you, but no one should assume that people are prepared like you. We have no room for prepared meals in our small fridge and freezer, no guest bedroom, and we need to move a kid and his stuff into his sibling's room to accommodate a guest; we need to remind everyone not to make noise after bedtime, because our space is tiny and noise carries; our guests do expect to be chauffeured, because they're not used to driving in this country, and some don't speak English at all. Etc...

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my family. Usually the visitors bring some breakfast food if they want something special. As for dinner, we touch base, but everyone is usually in their own unless we make plans to go out together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One family meal and leaving things for breakfast is PLENTY generous.

+1. Do what you are realistically able to do without being resentful. If that 1 meal is ordered pizza, so be it. If you’re able to shop in advance and stock the fridge with breakfast items, wonderful. If not, then so be it. At least have some coffee and tea. They can do the shopping. But be genuinely happy to see them, tell them how happy you are for their visit and to feel at home.... (if they are the type you could say that to, without them going overboard).

[Anonymous]

Thank you, everyone! I feel much better about this now. Have a better gauge of normal expectations.

The communication tips are great too. With my family we do that more readily. Boundaries can get interesting with different or limited communication styles. AND with folks kind of tone deaf to them. The good check ins and script prompts are appreciated. Know your audience and frame things clearly. Excellent points, all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My house is always open for guests. They get fed what we eat and they have full access to my fridge and pantry. If they give me advance notice I will stock up through Peapod, Amazon Prime etc on whatever they want. Very few guests expect us to entertain them because they are here for business or for their own vacation. I don't have a problem in giving them a set of keys and my third car. I will order in pizza is they have come unexpectedly and I am unable to cook something. Most of the time my freezer is full of cooked meals that just have to be defrosted and eaten.

Awesome, I’ll send my in laws over every April for the month. They like nuts, berries, yogurt and big dinners. TIA!