A reckoning.. what would you do?

[Anonymous]

DH has a great job, which is taking us to another city. I have an ok job, and I'm leaving the job to move to this new city. I like the job enough and get paid well, but I'm not as passionate about my profession as DH. We have a 13-month old DD. I like being in the workplace, but sometimes I wish I could dial it back because I feel like I do the greater share of domestic chores. I do all the feeding, laundry, household maintenance, baby administration, childcare coordination.

I can't decide whether I should be looking for a new full-time role, a part-time role, or try to be a SAHM?

Concerns about going back to work - as above, I'm finding it difficult to challenge the uneven distribution of household labor and I think this will be even harder in a new role with less flexibility. Also it would be nice to spend more time with DD and getting her settled in.

Concerns about staying at home - financial stress for the family. Boredom. Setting the standard for many years to come with me doing all the domestic work, which will make it even harder to go back to work when the time is right.

Even writing this down has helped me to realize that I need to find a new way to talk to DH. He's a wonderful father and my best friend. The kindest and funniest person I know. But it's so hard to get him to see what needs to be done for a household. I feel like I have to take the lead on everything - from feeding the baby to fixing the dishwasher.

Any tips for effective marital communication strategies for talking about domestic responsibilities? I think I do want to keep working in some capacity.

[Anonymous]

At the very least, make sure your housing cost doesn't preclude you from making choices, the choices you mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, if you feel like that keep a foot in the door at minimum. All the women I know who quit are overwhelmed at home now by being default everything. It really changes the dynamic of the marriage. I think it would be preferable even to do PT and put every penny into help with laundry, cooking, etc. — soon (very soon, believe me) your child will be in preschool/kindergarten and you can scale up your work then. In the meantime you are investing in your own work experience and contributing to retirement. Also, technically half the money for whatever you outsource comes from your partner’s paycheck since he is half responsible.

These worksheets on division of parenting and domestic responsibilities might be a good starting point:

http://herestheplanbook.com/dividing-household-responsibilities

[Anonymous]

You don’t work because you are “attached” to your job - you work because of the financial stability and equality. I would not quit for any longer than you need to for the transition. scaling down paid work so you can do more housework? Just, no. and don’t have another kid.

[Anonymous]

Try SAH for 6 months and see what you think. I am never bored.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you have a lot going on.

As long as you can financially swing it, why not try staying at home the first few months after the move?

If you don't like it, you can always search for part time or full time work.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT stop working. You will regret the freedom it gives you.

[Anonymous]

It can be difficult to get back into the workforce once you leave. Six months wouldn’t matter but it would be better to start looking before you move.

I wasn’t happy being home. I loved the time with my baby but I was so lonely and felt like I was a different person. It wasn’t for me. I found a great nanny and went back to work after eight months. It wasn’t easy in my industry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT stop working. You will regret the freedom it gives you.

This. And then there is spending years upon years of being responsible for cleaning the house and grocery shopping when you could pay someone while you do interesting things with your life.

I loved being gone with my kids during maternity leaves. But by week 12 I was done with being the domestic goddess.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home for 3-4 months after a cross country move to get the kids and household settled. I had a 6 month old at the time of the move. It was great to be with the baby, but I always intended to go back to a PT position. I ended up finding a great PT (20 hrs/wk) job and it was a really nice balance. As much as I was sad to leave the baby, I realized once I started that I am a better mom (more patient, happier) when I work. It’s also really nice to contribute financially and be comfortable - I don’t worry about having a cleaner come twice a month, buying new clothes for myself, going out to eat, etc.

Fwiw, I eventually transitioned into a FT position and have continued to be happy. It’s a more flexible and better job than the one I left in DC.

[Anonymous]

Do not quit. Staying at home with one 13 month old is very lonely. Also go peep the relationship forum and how many women get caught ass out when their husband wants a divorce and they have no job to fall back on and no financial independence or source of income. Don’t do that to yourself.

[Anonymous]

? so sad. The world's saddest story played on thecworldxy smallest violin. Poor OP because she's the only woman ever to have all the domestic and child related responsibilities! No other woman in the history of mankind has ever had it as rough as OP. I am so sorry for her that I am squeezing out 1/32 of a tear from each eye.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it unless you are willing to do ALL the household responsibilities. That becomes the default.

[Anonymous]

Concerns about staying at home - financial stress for the family. Boredom. Setting the standard for many years to come with me doing all the domestic work, which will make it even harder to go back to work when the time is right.

All of this is spot on. I stayed at home for awhile after an overseas move, then worked P/T, etc. and we always had help b/c we were overseas. Now it's all on me by default.

I'd make or propose a deal with your husband - you take off about 6 months to get everything settled in the new location, but you plan to work/look for a job. And once you get that job the two of you will sit down and discuss who takes over what in the administration of the household.

I would never stop working entirely. I watched my mother carry our family on a teacher's salary when my father struggled to get a job after a layoff during the recession in the '80's. I also want my own retirement, savings, etc. I loved having a break when I did have them, but I want and need to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm finding it difficult to challenge the uneven distribution of household labor.

You have to fight for it, basically. You have to be direct, both in discussions about the theoretical and practical aspects. Have you talked with him about what your ideals as a couple are? Do you both believe you should be splitting housework evenly? And if so, are you also directly addressing in the practical aspects?

It sucks, but men and women are just socialized to do chores differently, and it is very easy for the most well intentioned men to lapse into letting someone else do the work for them. And vice versa -- women are socialized into taking care of people and it's hard to speak up and say "hey, you agreed that you would be responsible for changing the sheets, it's been three weeks already."