A reckoning.. what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm finding it difficult to challenge the uneven distribution of household labor.

You have to fight for it, basically. You have to be direct, both in discussions about the theoretical and practical aspects. Have you talked with him about what your ideals as a couple are? Do you both believe you should be splitting housework evenly? And if so, are you also directly addressing in the practical aspects?

It sucks, but men and women are just socialized to do chores differently, and it is very easy for the most well intentioned men to lapse into letting someone else do the work for them. And vice versa -- women are socialized into taking care of people and it's hard to speak up and say "hey, you agreed that you would be responsible for changing the sheets, it's been three weeks already."

Yup. 20 years of marriage, teenage children, and boy did we fight in those early years of childhood. My husband was really clear that he did not want to be the sole breadwinner which was fine with me, but what wasn't fine was me doing all the at home work too. Those were unpleasant times. Basically, I learned that my husband would willingly and cheerfully do anything with or for the kids. Once I figured this out, I outsourced a zillion kid related chores to him - shoes, hair cuts, sports practices, etc. For years, he went to the gym every Sat and Sunday morning with kids. They played at the gym childcare, he worked out and then fed them lunch. I slept. Once school started, he took over the entire morning routine. Cooked hot breakfast daily, drove carpool, and dealt with all the things the kids forgot (reading log signatures, permission forms, etc.). It gets easier as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do it unless you are willing to do ALL the household responsibilities. That becomes the default.

This does not match the SAHMs I know unless the DH has a crazy hours job.

[Anonymous]

Outsource the home stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Any tips for effective marital communication strategies for talking about domestic responsibilities? I think I do want to keep working in some capacity.

I'm going to answer this question. For me, it has had to be extremely direct and basically a "this will not work for me" type of conversation. I honestly think the only way to get some men to participate in these types of activities is to be extremely clear what you will and will not accept in your relationship and what your expectations are (and work together to come up with a plan). You could start with - here is where I think we are, let's talk about how we got here, here's where I hope we'll be. Explore what he sees as his role, find areas he thinks he could take the lead, and then you have to stick with it and you have to hold him accountable until you all get in a rhythm. It shouldn't have to be this way, but due to how we raise boys for many of them, unless you push it just won't happen. It sounds like your husband is a good man, so approach it with the understanding that he means well like you said - but that doesn't make it okay. And it has to be crystal clear that in your relationship, it's not okay. That it leaves you feeling badly and exhausted and since he's caring - he will care about that. Most couples I know that have equal share, it's an agreed upon expectation in their relationship and marriage that they work on together. And the wife isn't afraid to call her husband on it as needed "things are feeling unbalanced again - let's check in and come up with a plan." I'm not saying be mean. But I'm also dang serious about this issue because to me it's essential for raising the type of son I want to raise. It requires continual re-calibration because society will keep drifting it back (school always only calling Mom for example).

Having specific things split up is what works best for us. Husband does laundry, he knows that's his job and that I am NOT going to be micromanaging it - reminding him, etc. Husband also does all prep sunday nights for meals that week. We grocery shop together. I do deep cleans of the house. I prepare and serve dinner because he gets home about dinner time, he cleans up. If one of us starts to feel like it's getting uneven we check-in.