Gender Reveal disappointment
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Anonymous
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DH & I have struggled to have children the last few years. We went through in vitro and successfully am now pregnant with a son. Since in vitro is an incredibly controlled process, the gender of the embryos (5 of them) that were viable & healthy were revealed to us and they were 4 male with 1 female. The embryo the doctors transferred this time happened to be male. I am ecstatic about having a son. When I told my Mother, her face kinda fell. She has 2 grandsons already and seems to always place me with having girls. (Just FYI- I have one sister who has the 2 boys who is probably done and 1 brother who just got married & has no kids yet). Her immediate question was "Did you ask them to transfer the girl? Why wouldn't you want to go for it?" I'm really hurt by her response and hate this bizarre category she is putting me in. I regret telling her the information about the embryos in the first place but she badgered me into it. I know she'll love the baby when it comes, but she has this idea in her head that her future granddaughters are coming from me. I would be happy with whatever I got at this point- DH and I have been wanting this for awhile but now that I am fully pregnant with a son we have embraced it and it's been wonderful. We may have a daughter in the future but we may not- and I'm more than ok with all of the above scenarios! Thoughts on how to handle it with my Mother? |
Anonymous
| OP, congratulations on your baby! I am really sorry your mother reacted the way she did - I have a mother who also lacks a filter and has said some hurtful things to me. I would be direct and shut future comments down if she tries to say something again - "mom, we're thrilled to have a son on the way. Your comment was hurtful." End of conversation, walk away if you need to. This is on her to deal with, not you. |
Anonymous
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“I’m sorry you feel that way.” And then change the subject.
Every. Single. Time. You don’t owe her anything. People who haven’t struggled with infertility can say the dumbest things. |
Anonymous
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Let her have her feelings. Imagine that you had really wanted a girl and learned that your baby would be a boy. Might you feel disappointed? And yet, you would love the baby when it was born, right? And if someone attacked you for wanting a girl, you'd (rightly) say that you had a right to your feelings, and that you just needed to process them over time. So extend your mom that same grace. This doesn't have to be a thing unless you make it one.
If she makes any other comments about the gender, just say, "Mom, I'm just thrilled to finally be having a baby. I'm sorry you're disappointed, but I'm not the right person to complain to, because I'm over the moon to be pregnant at all." And then change the subject or end the conversation. The world would be a better place if people didn't feel the need to police each other's feelings. |
Anonymous
| I personally would tell her that she hurt your feelings by not being supportive, especially since she knows all you have been through to get a healthy baby on the way. Then let it go. |
Anonymous
Exactly this. And congrats on your son! Boys are amazing. |
Anonymous
| How did you choose which to implant? |
Anonymous
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Congratulations!
Ignore your mom. That’s her problem, not yours. She had her girls (like who cares anyway?! All children are great!) She has no business of having expectations of you having anything particular. |
Anonymous
We just told the doctor to pick the healthiest one, which happened to be male. |
Anonymous
| Oh good gosh! Your mom wanted a granddaughter. She is human, and your struggles are yours, this is exactly why older people can't put up with their adult kids. Stop the drama. How many times you hurt her feelings in all your years? I bet you a million. She can have any ideas in her head, how are you going to control her head? There comes a time when grown up children are supposed to mature and realize that their parents are older and not their ultimate cheer leader, they are just people like yourself. |
Anonymous
+1. It's not your fault at all, OP, because we all assume that families have the best intentions and will be well-behaved, but my strong recommendation is to not share any medical details with families unless you have to. Play dumb if you have to, or fib. Any time my mom asks a question where my spidey sense tells me she has some kind of preference or ulterior motive, I just say I haven't thought of that yet. |
Anonymous
Np. I'm sorry your mother is not being supportive. Are you planning on having more than one? If so, perhaps you can say the girl is the next one. If not, say im sorry you ate not thrilled that we are having a baby. I know your feelings about it but please dont mention it again as we are happy to have a baby and your comments are hurtful and unnecessary. |
Anonymous
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My own daughter (now in college) recently pointed out to me how all the old people in our family talk in really messed up ways about gender that diminish the value of girls/women and reinforce gender roles. (All her cousins are 8 y.o. to newborn age).
I told her that they are a product of their times. They don't even have the vocabulary or concepts to make gender less important and deal with gender more equal. So, same advice for you.... try to let go of it. When you can say politely things that counter stereotypes do, but it takes a very long time and a lot of mistakes for older people to develop a new understanding of gender. Just say, "mom we tried so long we are happy to have a baby of either gender. I know you wished for a girl, but I know you will enjoy this baby just as much." |
Anonymous
| Very weird. I'd ignore her. It's just so hurtful and you are going to LOVE LOVE LOVE your SON. |
Anonymous
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So many congratulations on your pregnancy! Your mom is probably already regretting saying such a dumb thing. If she brings it up again I'd just say something short and simple like, "We're really excited to have a son and I'm sorry you're not as happy about it as I thought you would be."
My mom had 4 grandsons and no girls when I got pregnant and although she didn't make any noises about specifically wanting a granddaughter, my sister lost her damn mind. ("What do you want for your birthday?" "A NIECE!") It wasn't why I didn't find out the sex, but it made me glad for my choice because I knew that once the baby was born there's no way she would have said anything about wishing it were different, and the dumb stuff she was saying while pregnant was all hypothetical. |