In death my parents killed family connections
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Anonymous
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Dad died 1.5 years ago, Mom 3 years ago. Estate was set up pretty straight forward, 6 way split w/siblings has become ugly score settling vendetta since parents assigned awful BIL as executor. My sister is 2nd wife and while its on her-he did bait & switch of yes to kids then no after 4 years stringing her on afterwards. He’s always been an a-hole. Except for sending mandated checks to his son from 1st marriage stopped contact as he was insulted kid when 8 didn’t send Father’s Day card.
From not providing ANY information-i.e., we had to find actual will on our own (parents had told us their intent) to changing locks and selling my Dad’s house without giving anyone notice-BIL seems to have gone out of his way to be as cold hearted as possible. While I don’t hold my sister blameless, for instance, I live close by my parent’s home and did a lot of care for my Dad so, even if sad, would have been nice to have a time to ‘say good bye’ to home truly for last time. We had one day after funeral to go to house to pick up personal stuff never knowing it was last time (so no photos or momentos that had emotional value only - like my Mom’s cookbooks.) Turns out there was one codicil to will that could have been read both ways. BIL dropped it just before we had to sign agreement to ‘accept’ accounting so for last 3 weeks its pitted one group of siblings against others. (The $$$, while way more than we’d expected, will not be life changing for any of us as its divided by 6.) The way BIL handled was SO awful attorney HE hired admonished him and threatened to quit. I guess just a vent but I really feel nothing but hurt and resentment that my parents allowed this awful man to become the conduit of their last acts. Whatever they intended their legacy I’m at the point I want nothing to do with any sibling save one and just hope our kids/all the cousins can find a way back to each other. |
Anonymous
| While true that your parents made a mistake picking him, what happens from now on is up to you and your siblings and it should not be driven by money at all. |
Anonymous
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It’s just money and things. It’s not worth losing relationships. I’m sure your parents did what they thought would be best. Being executor is a sucky job and a thankless one.
On a personal note, I experienced a bad estate distribution after my parents’ death. One of my siblings owed a drug debt and took everything that was sellable to pay it. It sucked for so many reasons. But my family has always been close and as awful as it was, we didn’t let it tear us apart. Your feelings are raw now because it’s so recent. I hope you can find peace. |
Anonymous
| The executor MUST follow the wishes of the will. Get a lawyer. |
Anonymous
| I think this is not uncommon. Even in close families, people get very weird about inheritances and wills. Perfectly nice siblings all of a sudden become money-grubbers and hoarders, and everyone gets upset over slights and start fighting over "mementos" they had never cared about before. |
Anonymous
The ugly that came out these last 3 weeks wasn’t money. Things were said that accused one sister of trying to influence attorney to read codicil one way (it was a financial gift to one church that had a similar name to another but parents had relationship w/both.) Truly no personal benefit to any of us BIL implied her correction was just made to make him look bad. Complicated but as I noted above-BIL actually had hidden a document that supported my sister but it got ugly before. |
Anonymous
| Op, my DH's mother did this with her will. Destroyed the family, no one talks to one another any longer and it is just so so sad. Wills are not for the dead and people really should view them through the eyes of the survivors. That being said, don't let your parent's stupidity (sorry for saying that) dictate the person your want to be and are, keep the family ties strong. This is how you win. |
Anonymous
+1 It’s terrible the bad behavior that dealing with estate distribution brings. When my moms parents died, a couple of people (driven by in-law spouses) were just so greedy. Taking momentos and such before anyone else had a chance. My mom made us promise not to fight over things, and she asked us if there were things each of us wanted and made sure we all knew who got what. When she passed that was mostly uneventful. Now my dad has my sister and I as co-executors. I just KNOW one of my brothers is going to question everything. I’m kind of dreading dealing with it, but honestly I’d rather do it than have him in charge. Sorry you’re dealing with all this. After everything settles, maybe try to mend the relationships. |
Anonymous
+ 1 Isn't it obvious? Get the lawyer. |
Anonymous
+1 - this happened when my DH's parents died. |
Anonymous
OP here. There is no need to get a lawyer and not point of my post. My vent was that by their naïveté my parents and their thinking familiarity with finance for what is a stupidly simple estate was most important. By choosing BIL they set in place a fracturing of the family. BIL's action seemed from get go intent on destroying what had been a least a pleasant connection among us siblings by purposefully withholding information and presenting things in ways to cause the most acrimony. Getting a lawyer #1 would turn this into a fight I have zero desire to engage in and I don't know to what purpose. Which ever church ends up getting the bequest is not that huge of a deal - especially as my parents had relationship with both. None of 'kids' are churchy people but none of us object either of the two getting the money. That one brother is sure it was meant for one church is upset that because one of his kids goes to the elementary my parents intended it to go there and a sister was sure is was meant for other to celebrate the SJ stance one of the pastors at the other took. |
Anonymous
| This is a good lesson in making sure that we all be responsible in our estate planning, and careful with our executor choices. |
Anonymous
| So your BIL had a financial background, and that's why your parents chose him? I get that your BIL is being a pain, but it's really odd to blame your parents for his behavior (and that of you and your siblings). People are generally awful with respect to inheritances. It really brings out the worst in a lot of people. Your parents may have been naive, but it seems like they wanted to divide things equally among their kids, and they chose someone they thought had some relevant experience. You guys are the people letting it divide YOU. |
Anonymous
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Aside from the bad BIL, what have the other siblings done to be cut out from your life?
You all need some cooling off period, but don't say or do anything you might regret later. |