Learning to be a mom friend

[Anonymous]

So we have been at our DD schools for a couple years now, and I haven't really made any good friends. My DD's closest friends (but probably not BFF level close, she's a bit shy too) seem to have a group which get together as couples every couple months, and I think the moms meet for yoga classes and lunch dates out, during the week and weekends.

I have run into them (often a group of them) a few times when we go to a park after school or at events, and we talk a bit but I always have trouble making conversation.

We both work and have 2 kids, so we can talk about work stuff, or the kids events, but not sure what else makes up mom small talk? When we were there they were talking about a reality tv show I was unfamiliar with and vacation plans, but our vacations are mostly just to visit family rather than anything exciting.

Any topics people could suggest i could bone up to improve my smalltalk, and overall how to build better relationships with the moms of my DD's friends?

[Anonymous]

If you are a WOHM mom and they are SAHMs who regularly get together during the week, there is probably not much you can do to integrate yourself in that group, sorry. It's not anybody's fault, it's just that you are not part of that world.

Your level of smalltalk seems fine, same as mine -- kids, school, school events, vacations.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mean this disingenuously, but what about being yourself? I like people that are themselves...

That being said, the fact that you feel vacationing with family is “not exciting”, it’s kind of telling.

If you feel like that, or don’t feel like you can be yourself with them, then these aren’t the mom friends for you. What would you tell your middle school daughter? To be someone else to get friends?

[Anonymous]

I agree that people like talking about themselves. Right now I ask people what they’re doing during the summer, what their kids are doing during the summer.
I meet people a lot of ways, but one way is through volunteering at various kids activities. I also host things and have kids and families over from time to time.
I assume you’re not doing this but when people brag about their kids it’s a turnoff for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean this disingenuously, but what about being yourself? I like people that are themselves...

That being said, the fact that you feel vacationing with family is “not exciting”, it’s kind of telling.

If you feel like that, or don’t feel like you can be yourself with them, then these aren’t the mom friends for you. What would you tell your middle school daughter? To be someone else to get friends?

Haha, I am naturally self-deprecating, hence my comment about vacations -- but I'm really not sure my tales about the adventures in the suburbs of Milwaukee will be spell-biding, compared to European, pacific islands, and NE beach trips.

I'm fine being myself, but grousing about how bad commutes have gotten or my company's restructuring doesn't really engage them, so I'm looking to meet them halfway.

As far as "not the friends for me", let me say these are all really kind ladies, they are always friends when I see them, they do a lot at my DD's school, and most importantly, my DD's closest friends are all their kids. So having a good relationship with the moms is part of being a mom myself, and from what I can tell most playdates seem to be scheduled adhoc when they get together.

If I could find my tribe, that would be great but there are very few girls at all in our school's SACC -- the vast majority of our school at least in DD grade at SAHMs or very very part-time. There is no group of WOHM as far as I can find, at least none with daughers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean this disingenuously, but what about being yourself? I like people that are themselves...

That being said, the fact that you feel vacationing with family is “not exciting”, it’s kind of telling.

If you feel like that, or don’t feel like you can be yourself with them, then these aren’t the mom friends for you. What would you tell your middle school daughter? To be someone else to get friends?

Agreed. One huge turn off to me are people that are trying too hard, or forcing friendship. Make sure you aren't doing that. Be light and be yourself. Doing that will help you find your people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that people like talking about themselves. Right now I ask people what they’re doing during the summer, what their kids are doing during the summer.
I meet people a lot of ways, but one way is through volunteering at various kids activities. I also host things and have kids and families over from time to time.
I assume you’re not doing this but when people brag about their kids it’s a turnoff for me.

No bragging, and actually don't talk about DD much at all except maybe if there is something troubling at school I want to hear other parents weigh in on (anxiety about SOLs, homework, stuff like that).

I can't volunteer too much, since most activities occur during the work day. We haven't tried hosting, as we live in a condo which is hard to host another whole family (we have tried, it's really really tight). We invite their kids over often and take them to the community pool and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean this disingenuously, but what about being yourself? I like people that are themselves...

That being said, the fact that you feel vacationing with family is “not exciting”, it’s kind of telling.

If you feel like that, or don’t feel like you can be yourself with them, then these aren’t the mom friends for you. What would you tell your middle school daughter? To be someone else to get friends?

Agreed. One huge turn off to me are people that are trying too hard, or forcing friendship. Make sure you aren't doing that. Be light and be yourself. Doing that will help you find your people.

Well, I went two years being myself, just chillin and hoping to run into my tribe. And nothin! Hence looking for ideas, but I see the worry of trying too hard, so will try to balance.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, don't bother. Find other friends. This type of mom doesn't want to be your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, don't bother. Find other friends. This type of mom doesn't want to be your friend.

Agree. Maybe not that they don’t want to be your friend- but you are in two different worlds. They mostly see each other at day time things. You are working. I doubt they meet up in the evenings often. Probably once in a blue moon. I SAH and so do most of my friends. There is one mom I’m fond of, I don’t know that I’d call her a great friend, but I enjoy her company. She works full time and I met her through an extracurricular activity our kids were in together and they happen to be classmates at the same school which I wasn’t aware of (since she never does pick up).

They only way we socialize together is if they have all of us over for dinner or us them. Which we try to do every couple months. Otherwise, I would never run into her except for if our kids were signed up for the same thing by coincidence. To meet up with any working mom outside of typical work hours means I either bring the whole family or leave the whole at home. Both are harder to do and take more effort and coordination.

Keep your work friends close. There are usually a good number or working moms that attend evening extracurricular sports and activity. I would put more effort into meeting the moms at these things.

[Anonymous]

Meh, "mom friends" are overrated. It's great if there's someone you click with, but if not, why force it just so you can get in on all the good playdates? I actually find it makes life easier to separate my own friendships from my kid's.

This way, if she and Larla have a fight, I don't have to worry about whether Larla's mom will snub me at yoga class. And if I get booted from book club for bringing box wine, my daughter's playdate status isn't in jeopardy. And I don't have to sit through an endless dissection of Real Housewives, when I'd rather be crowdsourcing opinions on whether CBS All Access is worth it just for Star Trek Discovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, don't bother. Find other friends. This type of mom doesn't want to be your friend.

Agree. Maybe not that they don’t want to be your friend- but you are in two different worlds. They mostly see each other at day time things. You are working. I doubt they meet up in the evenings often. Probably once in a blue moon. I SAH and so do most of my friends. There is one mom I’m fond of, I don’t know that I’d call her a great friend, but I enjoy her company. She works full time and I met her through an extracurricular activity our kids were in together and they happen to be classmates at the same school which I wasn’t aware of (since she never does pick up).

They only way we socialize together is if they have all of us over for dinner or us them. Which we try to do every couple months. Otherwise, I would never run into her except for if our kids were signed up for the same thing by coincidence. To meet up with any working mom outside of typical work hours means I either bring the whole family or leave the whole at home. Both are harder to do and take more effort and coordination.

Keep your work friends close. There are usually a good number or working moms that attend evening extracurricular sports and activity. I would put more effort into meeting the moms at these things.

This is disheartening.

I go to many of the school activities and sports, but it seems like few of the Wohm Moms attend or participate, and usually those that do participate send the dads who have zero input on social calendar or nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, don't bother. Find other friends. This type of mom doesn't want to be your friend.

Agree. Maybe not that they don’t want to be your friend- but you are in two different worlds. They mostly see each other at day time things. You are working. I doubt they meet up in the evenings often. Probably once in a blue moon. I SAH and so do most of my friends. There is one mom I’m fond of, I don’t know that I’d call her a great friend, but I enjoy her company. She works full time and I met her through an extracurricular activity our kids were in together and they happen to be classmates at the same school which I wasn’t aware of (since she never does pick up).

They only way we socialize together is if they have all of us over for dinner or us them. Which we try to do every couple months. Otherwise, I would never run into her except for if our kids were signed up for the same thing by coincidence. To meet up with any working mom outside of typical work hours means I either bring the whole family or leave the whole at home. Both are harder to do and take more effort and coordination.

Keep your work friends close. There are usually a good number or working moms that attend evening extracurricular sports and activity. I would put more effort into meeting the moms at these things.

I don't understand, why can't you and your son meet up with her and her son? Why does your whole family have to come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, don't bother. Find other friends. This type of mom doesn't want to be your friend.

Agree. Maybe not that they don’t want to be your friend- but you are in two different worlds. They mostly see each other at day time things. You are working. I doubt they meet up in the evenings often. Probably once in a blue moon. I SAH and so do most of my friends. There is one mom I’m fond of, I don’t know that I’d call her a great friend, but I enjoy her company. She works full time and I met her through an extracurricular activity our kids were in together and they happen to be classmates at the same school which I wasn’t aware of (since she never does pick up).

They only way we socialize together is if they have all of us over for dinner or us them. Which we try to do every couple months. Otherwise, I would never run into her except for if our kids were signed up for the same thing by coincidence. To meet up with any working mom outside of typical work hours means I either bring the whole family or leave the whole at home. Both are harder to do and take more effort and coordination.

Keep your work friends close. There are usually a good number or working moms that attend evening extracurricular sports and activity. I would put more effort into meeting the moms at these things.

I'm the "honestly don't bother" poster and yes, this is the vibe I get from many SAHMs at our school. Like PP, they only want to socialize during the daytime, and when they are at evening activities, they are going to stay with their group and are not open to chatting with moms they're not familiar with.

Fortunately, I met most of my friends during the preschool years (when all the moms were working moms so at least we had that in common), so I'm not as stressed about making friends with the other moms in elementary school. I've met a few other moms through my daughter's girl scout troop, but as the girls get older, those are turning more and more into drop offs, so parents aren't sticking around. If you belong to a pool, that's also a potential social opportunity - we just got off our waitlist and while we haven't met anyone new yet, we've said "hi" to some of DD's friends' parents when she's mentioned "Oh, that's Larla, she's in my class".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, don't bother. Find other friends. This type of mom doesn't want to be your friend.

Agree. Maybe not that they don’t want to be your friend- but you are in two different worlds. They mostly see each other at day time things. You are working. I doubt they meet up in the evenings often. Probably once in a blue moon. I SAH and so do most of my friends. There is one mom I’m fond of, I don’t know that I’d call her a great friend, but I enjoy her company. She works full time and I met her through an extracurricular activity our kids were in together and they happen to be classmates at the same school which I wasn’t aware of (since she never does pick up).

They only way we socialize together is if they have all of us over for dinner or us them. Which we try to do every couple months. Otherwise, I would never run into her except for if our kids were signed up for the same thing by coincidence. To meet up with any working mom outside of typical work hours means I either bring the whole family or leave the whole at home. Both are harder to do and take more effort and coordination.

Keep your work friends close. There are usually a good number or working moms that attend evening extracurricular sports and activity. I would put more effort into meeting the moms at these things.

I don't understand, why can't you and your son meet up with her and her son? Why does your whole family have to come?

Because for her and her son to meet up with me and mine, it has to be either in the evenings or on weekends (since she works) which means we are both leaving our spouses and other children at home. Who wants to split up family time like that? And my husband isn’t reliable to be home at any given evening and weekend. I usually have to arrange for a babysitter if I’m not taking all the children with me.