Learning to be a mom friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, don't bother. Find other friends. This type of mom doesn't want to be your friend.

Agree. Maybe not that they don’t want to be your friend- but you are in two different worlds. They mostly see each other at day time things. You are working. I doubt they meet up in the evenings often. Probably once in a blue moon. I SAH and so do most of my friends. There is one mom I’m fond of, I don’t know that I’d call her a great friend, but I enjoy her company. She works full time and I met her through an extracurricular activity our kids were in together and they happen to be classmates at the same school which I wasn’t aware of (since she never does pick up).

They only way we socialize together is if they have all of us over for dinner or us them. Which we try to do every couple months. Otherwise, I would never run into her except for if our kids were signed up for the same thing by coincidence. To meet up with any working mom outside of typical work hours means I either bring the whole family or leave the whole at home. Both are harder to do and take more effort and coordination.

Keep your work friends close. There are usually a good number or working moms that attend evening extracurricular sports and activity. I would put more effort into meeting the moms at these things.

I don't understand, why can't you and your son meet up with her and her son? Why does your whole family have to come?

Because for her and her son to meet up with me and mine, it has to be either in the evenings or on weekends (since she works) which means we are both leaving our spouses and other children at home. Who wants to split up family time like that? And my husband isn’t reliable to be home at any given evening and weekend. I usually have to arrange for a babysitter if I’m not taking all the children with me.

NP, but I'm happy to split up family time occasionally if it means I get to spend time with a woman whose company I really enjoy and otherwise wouldn't see. What's the big deal? It does us all good to mix it up at times.

I do know SAHM whose husbands do almost no childcare, and that's a barrier, OP. There are lots of SAHM in our neighborhood, too, who naturally connect during the day and it's hard to break in. It's a bummer, but I'm slowly connecting with other moms who work and whose kids are friends with mine at school. I've also met friends through my favorite workout, and will catch up with them after class or schedule a playdate or whatever. It's not the kind of neighborhood I had growing up (where all the moms were friends and all SAH), but I'll take it over the trade-offs that come with not working.

[Anonymous]

^^so I guess my point is to focus more on friends than mom friends. I easily make female friends in various settings, in part because I focus on the women whose company I genuinely enjoy and am proactive about getting together with them. That's easier to do when you're picky.

[Anonymous]

Building off the last poster, do you have time for an activity/hobby for yourself, outside of kids and family stuff? That might be the place to make some friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean this disingenuously, but what about being yourself? I like people that are themselves...

That being said, the fact that you feel vacationing with family is “not exciting”, it’s kind of telling.

If you feel like that, or don’t feel like you can be yourself with them, then these aren’t the mom friends for you. What would you tell your middle school daughter? To be someone else to get friends?

Haha, I am naturally self-deprecating, hence my comment about vacations -- but I'm really not sure my tales about the adventures in the suburbs of Milwaukee will be spell-biding, compared to European, pacific islands, and NE beach trips.

I'm fine being myself, but grousing about how bad commutes have gotten or my company's restructuring doesn't really engage them, so I'm looking to meet them halfway.

As far as "not the friends for me", let me say these are all really kind ladies, they are always friends when I see them, they do a lot at my DD's school, and most importantly, my DD's closest friends are all their kids. So having a good relationship with the moms is part of being a mom myself, and from what I can tell most playdates seem to be scheduled adhoc when they get together.

If I could find my tribe, that would be great but there are very few girls at all in our school's SACC -- the vast majority of our school at least in DD grade at SAHMs or very very part-time. There is no group of WOHM as far as I can find, at least none with daughers!

I am a stay at home mom and my closest mom friends are working moms. I dont think it should matter if you work or not. Most of my socializing with moms happens on Friday nights or weekends during sports or get togethers. During the week Im not hanging out with other stay at homes aside from the occasional times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean this disingenuously, but what about being yourself? I like people that are themselves...

That being said, the fact that you feel vacationing with family is “not exciting”, it’s kind of telling.

If you feel like that, or don’t feel like you can be yourself with them, then these aren’t the mom friends for you. What would you tell your middle school daughter? To be someone else to get friends?

Haha, I am naturally self-deprecating, hence my comment about vacations -- but I'm really not sure my tales about the adventures in the suburbs of Milwaukee will be spell-biding, compared to European, pacific islands, and NE beach trips.

I'm fine being myself, but grousing about how bad commutes have gotten or my company's restructuring doesn't really engage them, so I'm looking to meet them halfway.

As far as "not the friends for me", let me say these are all really kind ladies, they are always friends when I see them, they do a lot at my DD's school, and most importantly, my DD's closest friends are all their kids. So having a good relationship with the moms is part of being a mom myself, and from what I can tell most playdates seem to be scheduled adhoc when they get together.

If I could find my tribe, that would be great but there are very few girls at all in our school's SACC -- the vast majority of our school at least in DD grade at SAHMs or very very part-time. There is no group of WOHM as far as I can find, at least none with daughers!

I am a stay at home mom and my closest mom friends are working moms. I dont think it should matter if you work or not. Most of my socializing with moms happens on Friday nights or weekends during sports or get togethers. During the week Im not hanging out with other stay at homes aside from the occasional times.

How did you friendships start? This is the type of relationship I am trying to foster.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM now but I used to be a working mom. I often get along better with the working moms.

Most of the friends we made were when my oldest was a toddler and starting preschool. That child is now 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM now but I used to be a working mom. I often get along better with the working moms.

Most of the friends we made were when my oldest was a toddler and starting preschool. That child is now 10.

Our preschool was full of commuters, so we actually didn’t make any lasting friendships since when preschool ended we never ran into them at school or parks etc.