Do you demand to know why someone is not interested in doing things with you?

[Anonymous]

About a year ago we would do things with another couple but we have been declining invitations and avoiding them for the past several months. They are about 5-10 years older than us and are part of our extended family but nothing like a close sibling or parent etc. We originally thought they were fun and they were super excited to do things with us. We realized that they are crazy and have really inappropriate behaviors. We have simply been avoiding contact and told them we would see them at a family event sometime in the future. We haven't been able to make it to the last family event due to other circumstances and now one of them (the wife) is constantly calling us to do something. We keep declining and she has now started asking us rudely. Now she is demanding that I have coffee with her to discuss our not accepting their invitations. I have said no and we avoid responding to their texts or calls.

I don't have any interest in going into it with her on why we don't like her. My plan is to stay no contact and have an exit strategy for family events if we get cornered. If this doesn't work, is there any tactful and non-dramatic way to tell someone like this that you just don't want to do anything with them?

[Anonymous]

"is there any tactful and non-dramatic way to tell someone like this that you just don't want to do anything with them?"

Not with these people, no. She is being dramatic already.

[Anonymous]

I believe you. But for context, can you give one crazy or inappropriate behavior as an example. That way, we can give a more specific suggestion.

[Anonymous]

OMG, you are going to have to make up a lie and stick to it. I hate people like them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. One example is that we were planning a short mini-vacation to an area that they know so DH asked them if they had any recommendations. They responded excitedly that they were going on a short vacation someplace else with another family member and we should join them. DH said no we're going to the mountains not the beach and just with our immediate family. They went on and on about how we should go with them. Later, she was furious with DH that he didn't agree to go on vacation with her and her husband. It went back and forth between pouty pout face and being angry. It was weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One example is that we were planning a short mini-vacation to an area that they know so DH asked them if they had any recommendations. They responded excitedly that they were going on a short vacation someplace else with another family member and we should join them. DH said no we're going to the mountains not the beach and just with our immediate family. They went on and on about how we should go with them. Later, she was furious with DH that he didn't agree to go on vacation with her and her husband. It went back and forth between pouty pout face and being angry. It was weird.

That is weird.

I might tell her that we feel we can’t keep disappointing them, but we really need more flexibility or freedom.

[Anonymous]

Tell her your marriage is strained and your therapist wants you to focus on each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her your marriage is strained and your therapist wants you to focus on each other

This is an awesome response.

[Anonymous]

I would just keep ghosting her. She does sound like a pain. At a family function, I would be cordial and just say you have been busy and have a lot going on. If she really wants to get into it, I would say there is just nothing else to say and change the subject. I would so not get into it with her! Stick to your story that you have been busy. Then, say excuse me, I have to go see someone. People like this woman are like glue. I am sure she is like this with many other people and that is why she jumps at the chance for a new friendship. Bye, bye.

[Anonymous]

Is there any reason you can't be honest? Why wouldn't you somehow communicate that her behavior is off-putting?

[Anonymous]

I would flat out tell her that you do not like them. No way would I make up a lie about the state of my marriage as a way of getting out of it.

Tell her the truth. Match directness with directness. She's being very in your face with her line of questioning so offer her the same in response. She may not like your answer, but it leaves no room for misinterpretation. She sounds like a bully. I wish I could deliver the news to her for you. I enjoy pushing back.

[Anonymous]

Let them know they have become bossy and controlling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her your marriage is strained and your therapist wants you to focus on each other

This is an awesome response.

I agree this is great. But would she blab her mouth to the whole family?

[Anonymous]

How about a half truth - we just don’t enjoy group get togethers like you do, but we’ll still see you at family events.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like that. We were close growing up, and that familiarity naturally extended to his new wife. After a year or two, my spouse and I couldn't bear being around them--mainly her. She was entitled, rude, and extremely annoying. We cut them back more and more until one day he confronted me and demanded to know why we declined all of their invitations. As politely as I could, I told him that his wife was not someone I'd ever spend time with if not for him. He drew a line in the sand, so we parted ways. I haven't seen or spoken to him in ten years.