Only child is lonely

[Anonymous]

We host as many play dates as we can, but he's a lonely kid who craves SO MUCH social interaction. He's lonely and frustrated. The kids on our block are all much older and honestly not the kind of kids I'd want him to run around with, so no easy playmates there. My husband and I spend as much time with him possible doing fun activities and going about town, as well as weekend hikes, trips to visit family across country, etc. He is more than able to entertain himself (reading, playing in the yard with our dog, etc.), but he's really wanting more play time with other kids. Obviously, I need to take time for myself, for housework, for work, etc. and I do that. He's expressed jealousy because all his friends have siblings. I could only have one child despite several rounds of IVF trying for another...I would have LOVED to have a houseful of kids and this feels so horrid knowing he's lonely. As we come upon summer, my anxiety over his loneliness is just getting worse. I mean, I'm a pretty fun mom and pretty good at hanging out, but I'm certainly not a good replacement for another 9-year-old boy to explore and do random fun crap with

We are actually considering a move to be closer to my husband's family because he would at least have a few older cousins nearby. It is in an area that I can't stand, but maybe it is worth it?

Ideas?

[Anonymous]

I have an extroverted only also. No amount of social interaction satiates her; it’s just her personality.

I could plan a play date in the morning, she could play all afternoon with neighbor friends, and she would still want someone to interact with her and claim “loneliness” until bedtime. It’s exhausting. But I’ve come to accept that there isn’t anything I can do to change her personality.

[Anonymous]

Soon if not already, he should be old enough to bike to friends' houses that are farther afield.

Our generation of parents with cell phones has inadvertently taken away some of our children's agency in planning their social lives. At age 9, I was often using our land line phone to call friends and make plans. Maybe hand your kid your phone and let him call his friend's parent or babysitter to set up more play dates.

[Anonymous]

What about his classmates? Ca they join for playdates? Also, if you haven't already, look at various Little Leagues. Until our only DS joined one too, he was lonely as well. Now every weekend it's something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Soon if not already, he should be old enough to bike to friends' houses that are farther afield.

Our generation of parents with cell phones has inadvertently taken away some of our children's agency in planning their social lives. At age 9, I was often using our land line phone to call friends and make plans. Maybe hand your kid your phone and let him call his friend's parent or babysitter to set up more play dates.

This.

Our only (8) rides her bike or walks to neighbors houses and knocks on the door the old fashioned way.

[Anonymous]

A pet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soon if not already, he should be old enough to bike to friends' houses that are farther afield.

Our generation of parents with cell phones has inadvertently taken away some of our children's agency in planning their social lives. At age 9, I was often using our land line phone to call friends and make plans. Maybe hand your kid your phone and let him call his friend's parent or babysitter to set up more play dates.

This.

Our only (8) rides her bike or walks to neighbors houses and knocks on the door the old fashioned way.

+1 same.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, even a sibling wouldn't help your child. I have 2 boys and while they do play together sometimes, my older son is like your son and needs a lot of social interaction. He can not entertain himself for 5 minutes. He can come home from a busy social activity and ask "ok what are we doing now. Will you go for a bike ride with me" and so on. So I don't have a solution for you, but I would not move to accommodate him or feel badly about not having more kids, because even with cousins or sibling he would likely still feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Put him in lots of fun activities including sleep away summer camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soon if not already, he should be old enough to bike to friends' houses that are farther afield.

Our generation of parents with cell phones has inadvertently taken away some of our children's agency in planning their social lives. At age 9, I was often using our land line phone to call friends and make plans. Maybe hand your kid your phone and let him call his friend's parent or babysitter to set up more play dates.

This.

Our only (8) rides her bike or walks to neighbors houses and knocks on the door the old fashioned way.

What would you do if this weren't an option? For example: a busy urban neighborhood where kids are not out biking and knocking on doors? Or a neighborhood that's all apartments, kid goes to private school, no friends live nearby?

[Anonymous]

Well, maybe take a bit of solace in this. I've got two kids, 7 and 9. One is an introvert and one is an extrovert. I'm not going to deny that they are good playmates for each other, because they are. But the introvert needs a lot of time to himself and it drives the extrovert CRAZY. She has a built in playmate who won't play with her half the time because he wants to read or listen to music or whatever else BY HIMSELF. It sounds like you are doing a great job of giving her lots of social opportunities. Recognize you are doing your best and give yourself a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe take a bit of solace in this. I've got two kids, 7 and 9. One is an introvert and one is an extrovert. I'm not going to deny that they are good playmates for each other, because they are. But the introvert needs a lot of time to himself and it drives the extrovert CRAZY. She has a built in playmate who won't play with her half the time because he wants to read or listen to music or whatever else BY HIMSELF. It sounds like you are doing a great job of giving her lots of social opportunities. Recognize you are doing your best and give yourself a break.

This is me too! Drives my DD crazy when her brother just calmly says "i don't feel like playing with you right now." She just can't understand that at all. They also have very different interests, so I still get kids moping over to me complaining they want a playdate.

[Anonymous]

I have one extrovert and one introvert also. Even though I work our of a home office and am able to handle my 7 year old extrovert coming home on the bus, he asked to be put into extended day. Even though the extra expense hurts a bit, he's so much happier playing with the other kids after school then he would be at home. Maybe try extended day? This doesn't help during the summer, though.

We're lucky in that we have similar aged boys on our block and one is an extrovert as well.

[Anonymous]

I have an extraverted only child and don't think moving to be near older cousins is a good solution – especially if it is somewhere you don't like.

It isn't worth it. There's no guarantee that the cousins want to be the designated playmate for your child and it is unfair to set up the expectation that they would be.

My kid has cousin who is 3 years older and they get along great at 8 and 11, but in a few years, a 15 year old girl isn't going to want to hang out with a 12 year old boy on a regular basis.

We plan lots of playdates, fill the summer with camps, play on 2 sports teams and beyond that *shrug* I run out of time and energy.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child who is an introvert and also have an only child who is the result of IVF. But she is an extrovert. She is now in high-school. Entertaining her was practically a full-time job when she was younger and I found it exhausting. Our neighborhood has playgroups and our neighbors have kids of a similar age. She played with all of them, including ones that were years younger. Every weekend was spent on elaborate, activity-packed "adventures." Every day she asked me, "What are we doing today?" It was never enough for her. It is just something that has to be endured when you have an only who is extroverted. Don't feel guilty for not having given her siblings. It is what it is. You just have to get through it. There's no instant fix.